


Trust Thyself (BxB)

by FastAndAdrift



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Apocalypse, Avengers - Freeform, Boys Love - Freeform, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Gay, IronFrost - Freeform, IronStrange, Lemon, Longing, M/M, Magical Realism, Marvel - Freeform, Other, Post-Apocalypse, Slow Build, Smut, Soft Lemon, Thorki - Freeform, alternative reality, explicit - Freeform, mcu - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:01:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 24
Words: 45,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24041773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FastAndAdrift/pseuds/FastAndAdrift
Summary: (I post a chapter every month, so tune in every few weeks for more to come! More when I can afford it!)What I miss most was the look in your eyes.It was your words, the way you walk.The way you soiled the floor followed by meows of pleasure through sweat and desire.What I miss is the way you could fill that emptiness in me.Since then nothing is the same,the world seems to have ceased to exist.Forgive me for loving you.I think that since then I've been able to forget myself, but you never left my thoughts.Forgive me for not being able to move on.●Better in chapters than in summary, I swear!Apocalypse Thorki (main) and another (gay) couple on the side. I'm back with feelings for our incestuous couple from Marvel which is not really one if you think about it.Dark ish themes, Addictions, as well as incest as such. Manipulation and explicit scenes.I'm only responsible for what I write, not what you read ;)
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Loki/Steve Rogers, Jane Foster & Darcy Lewis, Loki & Thor (Marvel), Loki/Steve Rogers, Loki/Thor (Marvel), Tony Stark/Stephen Strange
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	1. After (1:A)

**In the end, sometimes there is a renewal.**

●

The way the midgard- No, the sand, has to stick against the texture of his skin.

He's feeling the ripples of consequence. The pain resonates throughout his entire body, reliving the last few seconds he groans with impotence.

He hears the sound of another body crashing against the ground.

The clear sound of a bone bursting under pressure, and a plaintive groan.

Thor is accompanied by shame, he feels a burning sensation in his stomach.

He feels his energy being drained by the same terrible illness of the culprit.

He recalls that familiar feeling of anger, the anger that fills him with fear, with nameless rage.   
He screams a broken sound in the face of his lack of control over the situation.

His lungs burst into flames with the force of the sound as it leaves him.

His breathing becomes irregular as he loses his breath, his screaming fades into the night.

Seeing white then black, in the space of a single second, while his eyes feels humid.

He lays one hand against the golden sand.

He then emits a painful growl as he removes his body from the landing position he previously had.

No rainbows in sight as he raises his head.

He looks up at the sky, the one that always seems to reflect his soul.

Like a tool, that this time he has no use for knowing how he feels.

The darkness doesn't surprise him at all.

He knows what makes him sad, what blows rage into his stomach.

He just misses them already.

This love is somewhere between the anger born of this pain and the thousands of regrets that don't seem to come to an end.

Those same regrets that add up to the thread at every seconds.

When will it end?

He can hear his brother's wheezing breath.

Thor knows that sound better than anyone.

He can hear the pauses between breaths, the ones that keep his brother from sobbing.

They both seem too surprised by the lack of noise.

Their father's words resonate in his skull.

The anger seems somehow useless.

In the face of his grief that threatens to break out over his brother.

Kneeling before the gods, he turns his gaze to the source of the noise.

Loki is now standing there, motionless, as he looks back at him.

Thor feels his blood just circling when he sees that same face, the rage makes even more sense.

It has become the simplest choice, in the river of his thoughts.

Why had such a vile white face of lies lured him so far from his sense of freedom?

Had it been stolen from him, somewhere between the kisses, and innocent hugs?

The darkness accentuates the youngest's dark gaze, that simple gaze that lights Thor like a candle.

All that luck gone, ruined by his same words that seemed to come out of his mouth like air.

_< <Thor. No, I-_

Thor was exhausted by the rage growing inside him.

Memories of the words of a man who he had once loved him circled back in his skull.

These disgusting lies.

All he wanted to do was take them out, hit him for a fixed problem.

Pull out every word he said, the ones that had known the man was hurt.

Replaced them to make him feel the pain that radiated from his soul.

Those words of love that had robbed him of his future.

Odin's words and then Loki's.

There were no more questions worthy of his mouth.

The answers didn't matter to him.

Odin was not in sight, but Loki could not be closer.

He couldn't deny it, what Loki's innocent face had ignited, that yearning of desire.

He didn't hate not being alone in this macabre landscape.

But he wished he'd been with someone else.

The rage that never left him seemed justified.

He has this honest need to destroy it.

Even Loki couldn't deny it.

This did not leave him innocent.

At least, had he ever been innocent.

Thor had straightened up in the blink of an eye, his fists clenched so tightly his knuckles cracked under pressure.

The youngest's features had quickly turned into betrayal, Thor couldn't say more, his was obscured by his feelings.

Thor had stepped forward, his leather boots digging into the uneven sand.

Loki had observed him as a fairground phenomenon, both horrified and captivated to predict what would happen next.

The night seemed to have barely begun.

His fist had risen, curiously reaching Loki's face with a thud.

Loki hadn't seemed to avoid it, perhaps even agreeing with him that he had earned it.

At least it wasn't what Thor would have wanted, in his wildest dreams.

Loki rarely agreed with him anyway.

He felt something give away, couldn't say what.

_-Oh Thor._

Then he said with a bitter smile, blood had pearled from his lips.  
  


The tone of his voice had been so tangy, a loving yet dark sigh.

The sight of his blood had surprised Thor.

Now human, without everything, nothing.

Every blow was counted, his fingers were already trembling.

He couldn't tell if it was only from fear or anticipation.

Hesitation would devour him, the silence seemed to swallow them.

_-Don't come any closer, or I'll do it again._

Must he warn, while his fist still itches.

Loki watches the perimeter and then spits out the black blood that slowly fills his mouth.

_-Alright._

His gaze seems to be looking for something more interesting to observe, while his doesn't leave Loki's side for a second.  
  


His frail body still seems calm, considering everything that's happened.

But his voice seems cold, wounded, limiting his words to hide it better.

_-Do you see the result of your sin? Do you ignore the silence that seems to engulf us? This is your fault, Loki._

He took a break and then added to it,

_It's always your fault, Loki._

The words flew so fast that he doesn't realize what they created.

His eyes reveal nothing but a slit as the words are cast, his brother seems to be just watching him.

_-I didn't force anything, Thor. I understand your rage-_

he cut him off,

_\- You know nothing of my rage! You weren't meant to be king, you never were._

He can't help but roar his answer, insulted.

He couldn't let it go on, talking about things he had no idea about.

The sentence hadn't had to break any bones, but it had certainly struck harder than his fists could have. Loki's face faded away in a flash, as he seemed to take all the strength from his body not to feed that fire he recognized in them.

 _-Alright_. 

The cold voice had finally made its way through the darkness to reach him.

Wasn't he going to reply?

Did all this barely matter to him?

<< _Did you get what you wanted, viper?_ >>

Argued Thor with disgust on his face,

Even the darkness couldn't hide the moisture in the brown's eyes.

\- _It didnt._ a sob seems to get stuck in his throat despite his cold air,

_I never would have wished for anything like this, anywhere... however far away inside you, you believe me._

Thor sniffs as he realizes that the liquid in his nose threatens to run, but his eyes couldn't be drier, and his throat seems drier than this desert.

- _No, I do not. You were the root of it. You deserve to die_ -

_-Is that your plan? To kill me now._

_-I don't-_

His shoes hit the ground as his brother walked towards him.

- _Do you think you're a saint?_

Loki's voice had whipped the air, insulted.

_-Do you think you were raped, when your own limb was warmed by my body? Tell me Thor, did you hate all those kisses that seemed to last for days? I remember your lazy smiles as I was able to remove all the anxiety and pain from your shoulders with my hands. I don't think so, I know my crimes. You're not one of them. You are not one of my victims._

he had spouted with anger in his pronunciation, pressing down on certain words for the simple pleasure of provoking him,

- _You've got to be kidding me!_

He growls before he replies,

_My greatest crime is that I loved you._

He hears his own words again in a heavy silence.

Then he begins again, realizing that there was nothing that could be done to fix this infernal situation.

_I'm sorry.. I, ate the apple you handed me, Loki._

_I've always feared you, you're just a vile poison that no one can get rid of. I'll never make that mistake again, I'd change it in a heartbeat if I had the chance._

he declared coldly and then ended with a trembling voice,

Loki steps back one foot, attacked by the dreadful feeling that the blonde had finally managed to communicate. His hand raises to bring it close to his chest as if to protect it.

- _Don't do that. I don't deserve to be the sacrifice of your anger. I'm not showing mine to your liking, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. D-Don't do this. He's responsible for- Odin is-_

_-Odin?_

Thor says again,

_Our father?_

_He only did what he had to do, eradicated that disease you insinuated in me. He was more mature than all of us combined Loki, I hated his choice, but he saw that it was impossible to remove it without killing us._

he said persuaded,

 _-Don't hold back, just tell me what you're thinking._

Loki then replies in a sarcastic tone,

- _No, I have nothing to blame myself for other than trusting you._

The blonde starts again slowly with a hand gesture towards the landscape,

- _Don't do that. There's no going back in time if you choose this. It's broken forever. We're not dead, there's still a chance of--_

Start Loki so close to giving up,  
  


_-This is worse, Loki. We're dead, and then we're born again. You'll never know what it feels like to have power and health under your palm again. We will never have that privilege again!_

_It's your fault and I won't forget it._

_And I won't spend the time I have left reminding you of it._

he explained like a condemned man,

_-I don't think you know what you're doing Thor._

Loki replies gawking,

_-I think you're wrong._

Then he adds as he sniffs hard,

Loki raises the bridge of his nose with a painful grimace on his face.

- _You will regret losing your last ally, the one who fell from Asgard to love you. Thor Odinson that I don't notice you shedding tears for me. If you're telling the truth, then you never loved me as...as I did!_

His voice shook,

_You decide to follow through on your anger, this is going to cost you my company._

_Every tear you shed, I'm gonna laugh._

_This is just a... a cruel joke._

_It's a cruel joke._

A dark but broken laughter ran down his throat. Sobs finding comfort in the attempt to control it. He continued only to control the chaos he once hated more than anything else in the world.

_You're just a carbon copy of your father and all those who came before him!_

_Don't ever come looking for me again._

_If you would do such a thing, I consider you warned._

_You won't be able to hold on to that miserable human life he so sweetly spared you when I'm about to take it away from you._

_You thought I was terrible as your lover, wait till you see as rivals_. >> Had he dryly warned without even taking his eyes off him once,

●


	2. After (2:B)

**It's better to be unhappy alone than to be unhappy with someone.**

●

The flashing lights couldn't have been more brave. They continued a rhythm similar to a beating heart, letting shadows emerge in inhuman forms on the streets.Loki couldn't have ignored them better, but even he sometimes observed them.

Daringly so, a lingering eye thirsty for revenge.

Noneless, these beasts weren't his fight, he was cold-blooded. He could feel his blood pulsing through his veins more and more slowly. He was repulsed by the gleaming white skin of the beasts that dared to turn back. The way their eyes stared at him, as if they didn't value him at all.As if he was invisible, another needle in the wind.The vile glassy eyes with the lack of any soul.Loki clutched the fur coat against him, the one he'd picked from the thrift store of the last little ghost village he raided, or maybe the one before.Following them had never had any purpose, they were of no use.

These beasts with limbs as thin as their bones were futile, nourishing of the easiest flesh to obtain. Loki had nothing to envy them and yet...He knows fatigue, which is something that doesn't seem to burden them.He has the sensation that the soles of his boots are crushing the inside of his feet as he uses them, he soon considers stopping to get some food and a place to sleep. And maybe even get some new boots. An ominous noise caught his attention, but none of the monsters' attention. This was no surprise, the beasts were almost deaf, operating on human warmth and smell. Loki took the opportunity to observe.A simple light can be seen from a local bar, a candle or a benevolent fire perhaps. The windows are lined with nailed wood. Loki wonders if 'they' have closed the door for the night as well. Anyone using it wouldn't hate the company, would they?There was a fire, the beasts could smell it, so much so that he could hear their throats gleaming in apprehension. No one who didn't want the attention would have done such a flashy thing that was so apparent..  
He ignores the sound of nails against the concrete, as well as the sound of his boots slamming as he approaches the door with a void to fill. He holds his breath, listening for a new sign of life. He brings his hand close to the handle, only to hear the click that allows him to open it.The door must be pulled hard with a sharp jerk, given its stuck condition.The beasts have escaped under the sudden noise of its opening, Loki is convinced that it won't be for long.The bar looks typical, the same one most towns have been able to offer.More or less the same level of dust and debris.Away from the wealth, close enough to comfort, especially alcohol. In this situation, the calories that vodka or even beer offered were similar to divine intervention. Their distinctive effects were not hated either...

 _< <I do advise you not to finish your night here, I am from now on a public danger. _ Announced a dark, even mournful voice, lifting his arm heavily bandaged with several garrots of cloth slightly soaked with dry blood,

Loki steps forward, one hand against his scarf to lower it from his face. An unrecognizable man, hopefully he had the same assumption about him.

 _-I'm a big boy. I'm also bound to disappoint you, but I follow warmth like a shadow._ He answered like a warning and an apology in a single exhalation,

Loki turns his gaze back to take a wooden board and put it under the same handle to secure the place a little better.Then he moves forward slowly to let his bag slide on the floor while he finds a free stool. The man looks older physically, his beard is slowly starting to become like salt and pepper.He raises his glass to look at him, the brown of his irises is not unpleasant to observe.

- _I wonder, how such a beautiful thing like you managed to survive in a world like this._ he declares before taking a sip of the golden liquid,

Loki licks his lips with praise before observing the storage, he raises himself not without the lack of regrets. Leaving his scarf on the counter, he walks behind it to see the sacred liquor bottles, his legs screaming in agony under the effort.

- _I wonder how a man like you could lose this battle one that he's known to have won for so long. Ten years is no small thing._ he says casually and naively as he takes a drink, making himself look like he's just starting a conversation.

 _-Ten years is an eternity._ Adds the man with a sigh as he readjusts to his seat,

_-Ten years is a heartbeat._

_It's only long if you don't share it with the right person._ ,Replies the youngest unequivocally

He pours gin, choosing his poison carefully. One glass slowly moves forward next to his, he pours some inside.

- _What do you know about time, I could have sworn you were just a kid when all this started._ mocks the man with the smirk on his face,

 _-I was, but not in the way you're suggesting. I am an old soul according to many._ he said politely, bringing the glass to his lips,

Their eyes meet as they taste his choice. They share a look that Loki had always been proud to recognize.This persistent loneliness...

- _There's no shame in letting go. You know, I've had my dark moments too. This is not unique to you_ , he then proceeds to put the half-empty glass on the oak counter, he says casually and naively as he takes a drink, 

- _I'm not giving up. I lost. Finished, finished. The choice has been taken away from me._ Quickly responds the brown with a visibly convinced jaw clench,

- _Death has no dignity, no pride. Yet it affects the whole world. It is no shame to desire it, to change this path, to shorten it. The power to choose one last thing for yourself. Besides, the door was barely secured. I've heard of men who've cut off a limb to avoid the end. You're just sitting here, moping about your fate._ , he states the facts he saw and then takes another sip, 

One thick pause showed enough to cut the stranger's speech off. His point was visibly demonstrated.

- _Are you imposing your desires on me now?_ He replied amused, ignoring the remarks,

\- _I certainly hope so_ , he lets a pause to talk about himself before continuing, _tell me, am I the beautiful thing you could want?_

_-Only if you're on a first-name basis with me._

Their eyes don't seem to leave.

 _-Why not, the night is long. I might as well melt._ He replies with a sweet purr to soothe the playful flirtation,

Loki admits to keeping his face relaxed, not to mention friendly.

 _-You don't seem like the melting type._ The stranger replies by looking at him,

The man already seems warm to him, his lips are bitten and his shiny eyes betray him no less than his rosy nose. The alcohol had done half the work before Loki had even set foot in the room. What a misfortune, this luck.

- _You are quite right._ he whispers the confidence with a sigh,

Loki finishes his glass quickly and then takes the bottle back, but this time no glass needs to slide any closer to fill it. It allows him to take the initiative without remorse.

- _In_ _a world like this, rules are dead. What do you say?_ asks the shameless, almost with an hesitant voice towards the end,

- _I wonder when we started listening to them. Why, if everything was destined to fall?_ Loki answered softly, almost in a taunting way, playing this game that man begins slowly,

- _Tell me, you're not going to answer all my questions with questions, I hope,_ he recalls with amusement,

\- _I'd prefer to keep my mouth shut, but that's not my forte. My words have already done too much damage_. he warns with some melancholy _, I can't promise that my actions won't._

- _I would like to be a victim of this mouth. ,Dares the man with a slight chuckle that seems to go to his head and then he carries on trying, But I can't decide what I want to finish first, you or my drink_. then states the man seriously,

-T _hose who are willing to wait will be rewarded But in your case I don't think time is on your side_. He pointed out to the wounded man tactfully,

- _I found a generator a few hours ago._ _The water should be hot, even better with you in it._ Proposes the stranger with morbid courage,

Loki lets the hollow of his mouth turn into a huge grin.

His body can't resist the tempting offer of a shower as well as the offer to share the warmth of this freezing night.

\- _I am not expecting any less_ , 

He puts his hand on the counter with an intense gaze to reinforce his opinion.

 _I don't want to know anything about who you were, all that matters is now_. >>

He replies both certain and confident,

The man swallows and looks down at his glass, Loki sniffs amused. 

Calling him on his bluff already.

- _I've lived my share, the one that's weighed on my shoulders for so long that I don't remember my last real choice towards happiness_. He exhales as he tries to ignore the ghostly memories that threaten to distract him. _Let the lack of it drive me towards the choice of sharing the night with a stranger who may very well kill me. Even if you were to succeed, you would not be responsible for my death, but for giving me something I never could afford. properly._ he said, stepping forward to put his hand on the man's shoulder,

\- _You dare to say there's no dignity in death, but you seem to have been preparing for this kind of moment. You've been living wanting to die from what I hear, in a world where now we survive, there's nothing unique about that, son. I don't believe in an afterlife, but through your words nothing becomes ours._

 _It's truly a tragedy. Have you ever dared to give yourself the chance to live?_ replies the man who gets up to go around the counter, slightly worried about his well-being for God knows what reason,

He finishes his useless words to get closer to him.Loki sighs with a serious look towards his eyes which are missing several shades of blue.

- _It's not luck, it's satisfaction, it's control._ he replies with the shadow of insolence, The man sniffs amused at his answer, one of his hands slips down his waist.

-I _wasn't that kind of man before. I hope you believe me. In a world like this, with my time running out, we've known each other for months one second at the time._ he replies to reassure him, 

_-I believe in myself, time doesn't mean anything. I mean nothing to you but the flames of your past as well as your present. Don't try to justify this desire. It is nameless, without justification. I want to know nothing about the man who's talking right now, nothing more..._ _as its length buried in the most pleasant of my orifice_ s. Explain Loki nicely, almost as if he were talking to an ignorant child,

- _Well_ , he took a slight pose alternating his gaze between his two eyes, _you seem to have an answer for everything. Is there a subject who succeeded in keeping you quiet?_ He then decides to test him, even play with his knowledge. _Or do you have an answer for that too?_

The man then asks Loki to unbutton his shirt and drop it with his jacket.

 _-You're not listening to me properly. But I couldn't care less._ he says in a more entertained tone, sliding his hands against the infected man's boiling torso with a motion like a vicious predator,

He looks impeccable, viable despite the bandage on his right arm which threatens to slip. He observes how the skin on his body is slightly less tanned than his face as his hand had finished opening his fur jacket.

- _Words are just constraints. Let me take advantage of this warmth you're giving off, I promise you won't regret it_. says Loki, gently backing away,

The man reaches out his hand to him, to lead him to a shower as promised. There was nothing elegant about taking off their own clothes, they stuck to their bodies, clumsy attempts in an almost... relaxing silence. For that instant, he wasn't alone. He was listened to, appreciated, even mocked, he had never loved being insulted more.With only his underwear left, the hoarse voice had broken the silence.

\- _You're immaculate, God only knows what you had to do to stay that way. I don't think you're the type to get your hands dirty, tell me, did you even know the feeling of taking a life? Not from the monsters, but from a fellow being like you and me._

The naked man had come closer, the definition of his legs and biceps was more pronounced than the rest of his body. Something Loki had also experienced, survival in this apocalypse had rare benefits.

Loki could not tell what was more ironic, the mention of a god, or the man's assumptions about him. But none really bothered him, all that mattered was the body in front of his.

 _\- I'm all you want, he began suavely, on two conditions._ he continued softly, naked, he ignored how the man seemed barely taller than he was,

He was only a few centimeters short, his voice was too dry and the curve of his jaw was undefined. His hair was too short, too dark, his eyes too round and his sex pulled to the left.

- _Consider them honored_. states the man before gently approaching

to give kisses in the hollow of his shoulder,

- _From the back only..._

he begins innocent as his hand slides towards the sought-after limb, taking advantage of the pronounced axis,

 _And your name will be Thor._ >> no doubt residing in his voice,

●

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #### Keeping up with the French version, this is chapter 2 like promised.This is way too cheesy and I do as I damn well please. Guess who watched too many soap operas as a kid? -7 May 2020- AD


	3. Before (3:A)

_**You can't change the world, but you can change.** _

●  
  


Thor deflects a foul embrace from Fandral with a fat laugh, because victory didn't always smell good. This time it had a tangy smell, that of bronze, that of blood and sweat. It had the feeling of tiredness and of a day well spent.

He slowly entered the private baths of the kingdom with a relieved sigh, followed by Fandral, who couldn't help but create waves that came crashing against their torso.He watches Sif in the far distance accompanied by Loki, their conversation is of less importance to him as their naked bodies slowly move towards them. The discussion seems lively enough to make Sif's dark curls move on his chest. Unveiling her breast a few more centimeters, for his simple pleasure.  
  


He can't help but notice how Sif's skin is darker, Loki's armour protecting him from the damages of the many suns. He had no tan lines where from the shoulders to Sif's thigh was strewn with them.  
  


Fandral's words seem to escape from his skull and return to Volstagg who is settled deeper in the warm water. The voices seem to draw him out of his observation, he turns to his comrade in arms with a smile. The words repeat in his skull as if they had been pre-recorded.  
  


<< _I wouldn't say no to all-you-can-drink beer and a big fat meal._  
  


- _I wouldn't deprive myself of such delicacy. What do you say, Thor?_

Volstagg continues obviously interested,

- _Your intentions couldn't be clearer my friend_ , Thor replies to Volstagg with an amused grin, _You're only asking me because the meals of my companions are paid for by the kingdom, are they not?_ , Simply teasing him for the sport of it,  
  


 _-I don't deny it either,_ Fandral retorts with an arched eyebrow in his defense.  
  


- _The_ _first one who buys me a drink, I'll give them a secret about women that none of you can guess for yourselves_. sighs Sif as she stoops to enter the boiling water,  
  


- _I'm going to consider myself forgotten for this over-generalization, or else I'm going to get offended by it. You wouldn't do such a thing, push me into that pile of ogres who mistake a no for a yes?_ , Hiss Loki with a pout,  
  


- _I didn't see you get a woman other than by your rank as a Prince. I'm sure you'd have no use for a woman with an ounce of character._ She says to overpower him,  
  


- _You're right, I've had enough of you, for example._ He said as he slid into the remaining space softly,  
  


Hogun, who had been silenced, had to let out an amused snort at the altercation unfolding in front of him.   
  


- _Enough, an ample buffet is already waiting for us, I had a word with a maid when we arrived. There's no need to beg, even if it wouldn't be an unpleasant sight for once_ , said Thor, looking at the band one by one, their laughter burst out as expected afterwards.   
  


The look he shares with Sif gives him ideas for later, even a plan for the whole night if he wasn't exhausted by then.  
  


She looks so familiar, the warmth of years gone by.Fandral's hand on his shoulder brings her to the new subject at high speed.Hogun seems to be lacking any proper appreciation, even so for Loki, he hears Sif criticizing them about an attack.   
  


- _I don't see where you're going with this, thanks to him the dragon's head was much easier to fight through hand to hand combat. It was exactly his spell that allowed Hogun to pierce his mouth with his spear!_ says Thor as he created a wave of his fist piercing the flavored water,  
  


- _Why do I bother to be constructively critical of Loki knowing you're going to defend him as if it were your mission Thor? Why don't you kiss his ass while you're at it_ , replied Sif with a slight irritation,  
  


\- _Sif! Your language_ , he roars with surprise,   
  


<< _No need to be jealous, there's enough Thor for both of us_. >> joke Loki nonchalant,  
  


Fandral bursts out laughing as Volgstagg sniffs amused.Hogun seems to arch an eyebrow at the suggestive remark, not without a slight grin.Thor gently reflects as he looks at Loki's smirk. Content with himself, the god of tricks had simply teased on a subject that was largely impossible, knowing that the thing was even more shocking for Sif. They all seemed to have assumed it, that it was just a joke. Sif's stare at him had frightened him for his plans for the evening.Lost opportunity.He caught himself looking at Loki all over again, realizing that he was the least affected by the life they were leading.  
  


Scars strewn across their bodies like trophies, one more story to tell.But Loki obviously had fewer scars, Thor couldn't determine whether it was just an aesthetic choice or simply his dexterity.  
  


He can't help but wonder what it was like to feel the softness of his brother's skin as he watched it almost shine under the clear water. He seems to turn his gaze on his beloved girlfriend to observe the way her brown hair seems to slide against the gentle waves. The waves leave little to the imagination.  
  


Thor finds himself troubled by the attack of his thoughts in such a friendly moment.Especially to his brother, who seemed to doubt nothing, wearing that vile smile that every story has never been able to describe perfectly. He swore to move on, not to open that drawer of unhealthy thoughts again.

With the hope that he would keep it tightly locked.

**_. _ **   
  


The drawer had a highly volatile key.

He couldn't help but feel good when he saw Loki blushing from the alcohol he had consumed. Their meals were beginning to be quickly digested. The contest of the loudest sound of gas escaping through their mouths, those commonly called burps, had begun in a non-subtle way. The alcohol that went to their heads made the sounds the most hilarious thing in the world, surprisingly Sif had led before she was dethroned by Volstagg who had much more years of experience.

Loki could only take credit for this competition, knowing that he had initiated the first followed by a tender excuse for his rudeness. The one that had been ridiculed by the arrival of the one from Fandral, who had impressed many over its duration.And then to be accompanied by Thor's, who had resounded gravely.

Loki had rolled up his nose in disgust towards this competition, the gaze of his team lingered and he then giggled.  
Thor had been unable to take his eyes off him all evening.

Tonight they remained free.

He had finished putting Sif on her much-needed bed.He allowed himself to close the door with a slight noise and then catch up with Loki.

One who could barely stand, leaning against the wall.

His eyes were watching him in all shapes and sizes, his eyes shining with mischief. Several strands of his hair had left the usual path to encircle his face with rippling waves.Moisture was a good look for his drunken air. Thor offered his arm for Loki to grab it.

He could feel his weight against him as their shoulders touched. Only their light laughter could be heard in the corridor as they crossed their gazes. The night is cool, but Thor couldn't feel any warmer. He can't bring out the image of his brother chatting with Sif earlier. 

He can only imagine him attacking her hard to make her moan. He gets excited at the thought, imagining that seeing someone else , anyone else than himself, use her naked was the cause.

Knowing that Sif and Loki had a relationship between friendship and hatred. The idea of imagining them was becoming more and more powerful, unharnessed.

Thor saw Loki's door approaching too quickly. He feels sadness attacking him. Loki seems to have guessed it.Coincidentally, but oh-so convenient.  
His little brother stops in front of it, using the door as a support.

Loki carries a hand on his biceps without hesitation, Thor is only too delighted.

<< _Thank you... really._ he blows with a slight smile,

The whites of his teeth as well as the small crow's wrinkles in the corners of his eyes make Thor smile more and more.It had been too long, they only felt like strangers usually. Too different, but for that moment...Thor felt that rope, the one that pulled his heart. He doesn't want this moment to end.

- _Is this the end of our togetherness? I've only just found you..._ he confided to the youngest, almost followed by a childish pout, 

Loki sniffs amused, his unconscious finger makes circles against the skin of his arm.Thor can't help but feel the heat radiating from the spot, to compensate for his cold hand.As well as how his stomach seems to turn inside out.

_I must confess that I haven't been the warmest of friends lately_. he observes, almost like a confession.Thor exhales with a slight brow twitch, he doesn't want to see guilt on his face any longer.

- _With your studies, your magic... that I could never understand,_ he adds amused, _And father's orders._

_I don't blame you, Loki._

_I just don't want this feeling of knowing you to disappear again, I've missed your presence._ >> he sighs softly at the thought,

Loki licks his lips pensively, Thor awaits his answer in this warm and intimate silence.

- _I...didn't know...well no, I had forgotten._ He picks up again at the sight of his frown, _I thought we were incompatible, you're the oldest, a generation older than me. Your friends aren't mine, Fandral is the most forthcoming._

He explains it simply,  
 _But Sif only says what everyone else thinks. I can see your effort, but sometimes people slip away from each other. It's rarely voluntary, but it's definitely real._

Thor feels slightly sad that he didn't notice as much.Loki didn't feel at home in his group of friends?Was it real or was Loki imposing this idea on them?He gives him the benefit of the doubt.Knowing that he might talk to them about it later. When the booze had left their bloodstream and they were out of bed for the day.

- _I don't want this for us_ , he says frankly, as he slips a friendly hand on Loki's neck, 

He can smell the alcohol on his breath, as well as his bright green eyes on his.He ignores the thought that seems to reappear so often as he waits for his brother's response.They are so close, that Thor is delighted with the intimacy.The one Loki was allowing him just now.He asks himself, out of curiosity, where Loki would stop him.But the words of an answer take him out of his head for now.

- _Me too. This was an innocent mistake on our part. I want you in my life, whether we have anything in common or not._ Thor lets a smile grow on his mouth, Loki's seems to be imitating him quickly.

Like a disease without borders.

He's so close now, he's wondering how Loki can have forgotten that Thor cares about him. He has to fix this.

- _Yes, I agree_. he blows softly,

Loki slides his hand towards the door handle with a click, a slight shimmer of malice slips into his eyes. Thor understands the signal.

\- _Good night Thor_. He breathes in a polite whisper,

He lets the air slip between them as Loki opens it.

- _Good night Loki._ >> Thor replies slightly disappointed

that it is already the end of their evening,

He always wanted more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've got tips for the way the HTML needs to be used, or anything towards missing spots in the text, don't hesitate to holler at me. I'm still figuring out how to use it. I was always on the other side of AO3 as a reader goes, but I appreciate knowing now that formatting is a thing. Writing in a google doc feels like a piece of cake now.  
> Thank you for reading, I'll keep em coming !


	4. After (4:B)

**_Hell is empty._ **

**_The demons have roamed among us._ **

**_They do so without uttering a word._ **

**_Looking for a second chance,_ **  
**_to live and end it._ **  
  
  


**. **

Loki lays his head on a boiling torso with an easy sigh.The light of the rising sun meets the window openings.He can feel this warmth, the warmth of the body he recognizes as dying.

The smell of lavender attacks his senses as the hoarse voice breaks the silence. Loki knows better than to get attached. He knows better than to talk. 

But time seems to be running out for the other man to express himself.   
  


<< _You didn't lie, I don't regret it._ >> declares the introspective voice,Loki tries to hold back this wave of anger that radiates as he hears it. Too dry, less welcoming than spring, this voice is not from before.

All this won't be ruined by words, not yet.

<< _For once..._ ...he notes it down gently before adding, _Are these the last words you'd like to share?_

His own voice surprises him, softer than he feels. Loki's been listening for this heartbeat that seems to fight time. One part of his body languishes for the end.

He rolls his own pendant between his thumb and forefinger as the nostalgia of the moment attacks him. He doesn't want to talk, he'd rather not be able to.Words become nothing but tactics, a sick game of competition with oneself.

<< _I don't know your name when I know your taste. How odd, I wasn't that kind of man before._ >>Loki sighs again, this time with pity.

The remark seems childish to him, why dwell on such simple details? 

<< _Unfortunately, I've remained the same. There is no shame in a little change_.>> he replies thoughtfully to answer him politely,

Loki allows himself to look up to observe the man's face for one last time. His face is serene, he would be almost proud. 

Offering absolution to a lost soul, offering a last will.It would be so if it was not granted for such selfish reasons.

<< _I wasn't that way.. I would have taken you to a restaurant that serves the best pasta and the oldest of wines. I would've... paraded you around with pride._ , He's looking for his exact words to describe it _, You're like porcelain,_ he gently runs his hand over his slender shoulder, _you're so fragile. Like those bowls found in oriental places. Painted by an expert hand, yet so beautiful. I'm almost afraid to get close to the edge of your body so I don't end up sliced_. >>

Loki smiled sadly at the comparison.

<< _Thank you_. He breathed softly,

He approaches the man gently and with determination, to obtain a

sweet, almost chaste kiss.

The first, as well as the last.He compensates for the gentle kiss that greets him, approaching to control the kiss to the second.

He ignores the strangled sound that comes from that same throat as he rewards it with his presence. 

His pendant gently activates as he withdraws the remaining oxygen from their exchange. The pendant is gently placed in the hollow of the human's torso from his neck string.The calloused hands try to grasp the skin on his back, leaving a shadow of scratches. Loki couldn't care less. 

He lays his hands against the birth of the man's jaw.As the body beneath him grows heavier and his lips become less festive, Loki gently pulls his face back to observe the orange-tinted tanned skin replaced by the bluish tones of asphyxiation.With his eyes closed, he now resembles him much better. 

_-How audacious of you to assume that I wasn't one of the monsters._ >> he murmurs with a sad smile,   
  


He looks at his pendant which shines with a thousand lights its orange waves. He glides gently to its right, taking advantage of the warmth of the sheets. He turns his head towards the window, watching the sunrise in silence.The solitude was back, crawling but unforgettable.This was nothing but an endless cycle.

He nestles gently against the incapacitated body to enjoy seconds of silence. When he finally leaves the place, he slides the corpse out from the front door. He leaves the naked body back against the door. Loki sighs easily as his skin feels as soft as a baby.

A hot shower alone was much more effective in cleaning himself.He takes advantage of his new lace-up boot soles, even though they are heavier than his own. Nothing that practice couldn't solve.The heat of the day and the landscape of the hills give him a good mood for his escapade. He has never loved being able to feel lavender against his body as much as he does at this very moment.   
  


●

A man of below average height dropped hard on his feet, these are now on the ground from the camper van. He ignores the driver who seems bothered to read one of his new books from their morning getaway. 

A bookstore who would have thought this was what it took to shut him up. It's not that the little man hated him while he was talking. But the driver and he loved being right, even if it meant sleeping on the couch before their point was proven.They were just too vindictive.He closes the door behind him without much care, the slamming sound tells the driver where he is anyway.He watches the bar with a sigh.

The building seems intact, other than the windows plastered with wooden planks.As well as a dead body to keep him out. The corpse in front of him is naked, the brown man knows that this is not the work of the dead.But the dead had taken advantage of it during the night, no doubt about it.The dead weren't the cause of his death mainly because there's some blue that starts only from the neck as he wears the serene look on his face.

He can still see the veins of his torso burst under the skin, showing him a rainbow of bruises.The body is... simply chewed, only the skin of his face is intact from random bites, he tries not to giggle nervously at the sight of the limb torn off between his legs. He comes in after pushing the weight back, not without difficulty.The driver doesn't join him until an hour later.

He only seemed to be analyzing the scene while the little man was pouring another drink.The tallest, being also the youngest, pulled a chair near the bar.He noticed the glass sliding down the bar in front of him as he put his book on modern science on the counter.

<< _It's him again, isn't it?_ , asked the smaller one, not without a gentle sigh, He didn't expect a real answer, they already knew it.  
  


The rhetoric does not prevent him from answering, however, he finds only one more opportunity for this paradox. 

<< _The signs do not betray him, but the corpse to feed the beasts does_.>> he declares methodically.  
  


Old age attacked them more and more, their temples became grey where their hair was usually dark.

What is he doing hunting a man for a ghost? The older one lets his conscience catch up with him.

<< _I know you didn't know him that well, but I want...I want you to know that I thank you for doing this for me. Living with me in Derby isn't always so easy._

He said, raising a glass to the doctor, 

<< _Coulson wouldn't want revenge, he'd only want to see you happy Anthony...Happy and I both agree you only want a plan to keep you stable._

 _-That's fine, but we're running out of gas and I miss the center._ ,replies his lover honestly, 

\- _A few more days, I feel him so close_.he said with a frustrated sigh, 

- _Also, thanks to me we have a new generator, I found it in the basement. There's a full tank of hot water left in the tank, interested?_ he adds with an arm against the counter, pointing to an arched eyebrow, 

_\- Why not, the corpse is only out there anyway._ >> the doctor replies with an ounce of sarcasm.

●

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And another one bites the dust!
> 
> Slow but coming, y'all billinguals gals or friends from wattpad know me to be into slow burns but we have the past chapters to help soothe that game of waiting!  
> Also my dumbass found the Rich text option and now I don't need to format every damn bold and italics as if it were coding material. Yay! 
> 
> Anyhow, have a nice day y'all 😋
> 
> -10 Mai 2020-
> 
> -AD-


	5. Before (5:A)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor compartmentalization needs help. Ensues a frustrated SIf and a clueless dork. Smut warning,simply for graphical use of anatomy and sex scene M/F.

**_There is no sinner without a young saint._ **

.

Sif was the perfect companion.Thor felt a smile come over his face as he saw the naked body waving in front of him.Every tremor of pleasure increased his endless pride, every groan flattered him from within. He watched one of his favorite parts of her body go in and then come out of the brunette's with a burning fascination. He can't help but growl passionately as his face twists with pleasure before his eyes. The dark locks can't help but stick against the sweat on her forehead.He listens attentively to the same moaning that seems to every parts warm of his soul.

The purr of his appreciation is heard as a grunt of concentration to accompany the more melodious ones of his companion.

It felt confortable, usual, predictable from the way she would swing her right ankle on his shoulder and the way he would keep it going for longer than he'd want to out of habit. His hands slide curiously towards herchest to appreciate the consistency, to use them under the rough palm of his hands. His thumb titillating the pinkish buds without mercy.A wild thought crossed his mind as he observed the sensitive skin on her chest, the white skin that had not known the damage of the sun...

A smile that he had missed more than he would like to admit crossed his mind.

<< **Thor** ," she grunted frustrated, " **don't slow down or I'll make sure you die suddenly,** " she said so earnestly that Thor centered his hips and resumed the rhythm he'd shown seconds earlier, The idea of Loki's smile and his frail shoulders seems to haunt him.

He tries not to focus on this thought that keeps coming back since he gave it some attention. This old game of thinking too much to a such thing by not thinking about it at all.He looks at the breasts in front of him as a distraction, he observes the goose bumps that have developed under her beaded skin. He swallows as she starts to moan again, to finally sigh as he feels the pleasure reaching his limb again.

He slides his hands towards Sif's hips to bring her closer, giving more concentrated and harder blows. Knowing that this technique could make them come faster, but this time it doesn't seem to be a two-way street. She seems to slowly find her paradise there while he doesn't seem to be able to reach his.

<< **Sif, go back to your knees, I want to be able to see your twisted body under the pleasure**..>> he pleads as he gently withdraws from her body, leaving the sweaty heat,She grunts irritated by the choice, realizing Thor gave her no choice.

<< **That's enough. Lie down and lets get it over with.** " she replies as he feels his arm pulled hard, She lures him to her to push him back against the bed, deciding to straddle him with her body.She passes a thigh over his for satisfaction, Thor can feel her gently impaling herself against him without any hesitation.

He can't think any longer as she begins to roll her hips hard, he only suffers the waves of her hard work.

He cannot deny the sight of her working so hard to milk him. The idea that it was only an object for her to use for her own pleasure as well as climax seems to gently bring her back to her earlier state. That's what it took to end the exchange.They split up quite quickly out of habit.Thor is relieved not to have disappointed her as they part.He had this fear that he wouldn't be able to finish their lovemaking. A fear that had never before betrayed him since ages.

What the hell is going on?

He had already thought about quests, jobs and people while they were having this kind of frolic, why did Loki's thought and his shoulders shake this evening? This was no unusual, wasn't it? Loki had been away for seven years now, not much, and yet Thor couldn't get his return out of his head.

The Loki of before would never have accepted to go drinking with them, or even go back to finish a quest in his group. Loki had been a loner, finishing everything by himself.Thor couldn't ignore the efforts his brother initiated for him.But why did his mind choose this moment to focus on this thing?

It was indecent.

Thor couldn't admit to himself if he became flaccid with the idea of his brother and his smile in bed or if he became accustomed to his midnight frolics with Sif. One was such a gossip in itself it almost made him scared.

He decides to keep his theories to himself when Sif asks him. He only answers that his mind was elsewhere, which was not wrong, she made it as if it were clear, but Thor doesn't know that she makes up for missing any answer from him.

<< **Sif ?** >> he begins as he puts an arm behind his own head, raising his hips to the ceiling with an easy sigh,

- **Yes Thor?** Does she answer both dissatisfied and tired,

He is too lost in thought to pay any attention to it, he responds only more quickly.

- **Why do you think Loki has returned from his classes with the elves so soon? He's three years early.** He said pensively, looking for an honest answer,

The answer he would have received was in honest faith, but almost too much.

- **If I put aside the fact that you must have thought about it while we were sharing a moment?** she said ironically as well as slightly bitterly, **I believe he disobeyed, that they told him to go home and that he is no longer welcome. Considering his bad taste in jokes, it wouldn't come as a surprise.**..>>

Thor frowns slightly, assuming that Loki had made the choice. The ultimate choice to give back some of his time around his family, this possibility offered by Sif was just as likely, as realistic, if not more.

<< **I almost wondered if you were finally getting tired of me, I'm almost glad to know that it's Loki's fault that you're so distracted. And not mine.** she declares with an amused sigh as well as sarcastic sigh.

Thor gently purses his lips as he lets his thoughts distract him.

<< **Hmn..Yes Loki of course..** >> he repeats with certainty as he looks up at the ceiling, under the gaze of an hesitant companion,

Sif was a perfect companion, in fact, she was everything he would have ever wanted in a companion. Yet with the warmth of a woman, the sort of warmth he sometimes seemed to forget, Thor once again knew how to do what he knew best.To take the privileges he was lucky enough to have for granted, something Sif would never dare reproach him to own for fear of losing the golden cushion she had eagerly enjoyed.

She wondered to herself what the others had done to stay in the prince's good graces. Because the price she seemed to pay for it was no longer the same as the one she had been promised.

Accepted the arms that slid around her body, knowing that it was only in good and due form, she sighed easily, dreaming of a tomorrow without borders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .
> 
> Here y'all have a snack before we go to the point of no return ;)
> 
> Also big thanks to @DasweiIchDochnichtto
> 
> who beta me for silly text and formatting mishaps ^^
> 
> -12 May 2020-AD


	6. After (6:A)

** The price for not following the voice of your heart is spending the rest of your life wishing you had.  **

**. **

The hum of the beast was so familiar to him. It roared at the simple reaction of its body.The temporary solution to a pain that was long overdue, maybe it was a loophole. 

This project was more than finished, there was nothing to improve. Or, if there was, it can't be touched anymore.

And it's been so long that the hum of his project has become something distant, nostalgic. He'd been collecting dust in a garage in New Mexico.

What a waste, an opportunity like that. The reflection of the sun's ocher color filled the shape that hits his rearview mirror.

He remembers hating to hear it drown, remembering how his mind went over every step to find the problem. The keys to ignition, that moment of anticipation. An engine, the exhaust, the spark plugs.

Everything could go sour. Something to drive one crazy. 

Assuming he wasn't already, that is. He listens to the hum of electricity as he opens the case of a tape slightly smaller than his palm. He inserts it into this beast who was no longer something to hide from Thor. 

No secrets, total trust.

The tight turns seem to accelerate without even a shred of concern in his face to worry about it. Maybe he should, maybe he shouldn't, care.

Makes him chuckle.

All those hours he's been doing it. To become nothing, to accumulate.

The comforting warmth in his stomach and his foul breath seems enough.

It wouldn't be brilliant to swallow any more on an empty stomach, but he can't really see much further without it.

It's not just liquid courage, but a dark night on his thoughts.

The beast roars as he puts his right foot on the pedal. The combination of the two is refreshing. At last a stake worthy of the gods.

This occasion seems to ignite the flame of his audacity, to give his stupidity a chance. He wonders if he's always been like this, a tendency to have a blast without even caring.

Programmed for a role that now seemed like an overly realistic dream. 

The memories were just that, a suggestion.The more he wanted to remember, the more he could forget.

Memories would be precious, if they didn't make him so bitter. Thinking about a few moments twists his stomach, makes him hitch his breath. He doesn't know that it makes them even more momentary. He only becomes twisted by his doubts, twisted from the truth to a lie that seems as clear as water to him.

Playful music enriches the experience, the rich voice of a woman is set in motion and what he considers jazz bursts out of the neat sound system. Thor compresses the three-speed motor to accelerate without the need for distance.

The roar expands to fill the near-silence of the deserted valley. The echo must be heard for miles around. The car disappears with the miles, with only one direction in mind.

He can't tell if his heart has ever beat so fast as he sees the object in front of him approaching in his field of vision. It only gets bigger as the seconds go by, Thor doesn't dare to believe it.

He sniffs amused when the object is so close, morbidly so. He barely blinks when his belt reacts to the impact, his hands clench tightly against the steering wheel to make his knuckles white. Blood seems to leave his face. He closes his eyes reflexively as the metallic sound of the vehicle is heard as a heavy clapping sound. Its a bent and heavy sound.

He can feel the blood running down his forehead and he can't help but hit the steering wheel with his palm as he raises his head towards the smashed window.He grunts hard, his foot presses on the accelerator to finally hit the ground. 

The tires squeal with effort as the object seems to have cracked only on the edges. But it didn't, his car did. Thor ignores the numbness in his muscles, letting the adrenaline of his accident fuel his rage. His gaze is quickly blurred as the vehicle seems to move no further forward, prevented from moving by anything. He takes the gearshift lever to activate the reverse.

He can hear his bumper sliding against the sand with an unpleasant noise. Irritated by it in any way, he clenches his teeth with a frustrated noise broken in his throat. He doesn't notice how the music stopped playing on the driver's side of the vehicle. The soft voice seems to draw a tear from his distant gaze. He steps back as long as he can, breathing with difficulty, he can already feel the bruise that follows the length that the seat belt must have reached. His torso pinches with each breath. He ignores it, all this has only one purpose. 

The physical pain is temporary, the pain that prevented him from moving forward was eternal.

The second time he reaches it, the shock is even deeper. 

The belt had slipped against his throat, he lacked the breath to cough hard. He watched the smoke coming out of the hood.

A painful grimace slides down his face, his vision is blurred, but this time it's not tears. He can't see further than the damn thing.

He has so many questions, too many. 

His skull lacerates him hard, he can feel his pulse inside.

He closes his eyes with a sigh, his body seems to slowly soften.

The weight of his shoulders seems to become harder to hold against the leather seat. The sun seems hotter and hotter and he can feel the thirst attacking him.

Time seems to have no name as he feels it disappearing. As he gently slides his face down,there are only dried tears and blood on his face, and a steering wheel print against his cheek as he lets his consciousness slide into the darkness.

**_. _ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel that each chapter adds more and more questions. They will be answered in due time of course, I promise :P 
> 
> -12 May 2020-AD-


	7. After (7:A)

**Life, at the price it costs,**

**we're not so sure we want to get out of here alive.**

**.**

**.**

<< **Can we talk about this now?** >> said Darcy's soft voice in a one-on-one attempt, gradually lowering the volume.

Jane sighs harshly as she activates her turn signal, Darcy sniffed in amusement.The suspension of their car seems to be jagged, every pile of sand, rock or pothole seems to provide an unpleasant massage from the front seats.

Not great for an indeterminate road trip in the desert of New Mexico.

The map told them that the next village is only a hundred kilometers away, but it's a long time. Even more so with a zombie as a driver. 

Silence is thick, especially after the events.

<< **You don't need to signal your turn, we're alone on the road, and I bet you breakfast in bed that we'll stay that way**.>> She takes the chance to add to the silence considering the lack of response. Jane sighs as she watches the road, Darcy can't take it anymore.

The same three CD's of Country, post-rock and Lady Gaga's album in a loop won't do the trick anymore to distract her. She can now rewrite the lyrics by hand as if it were an essay.

<< **It was only once, it won't happen again.** declares Jane in the heavy silence, 

Darcy frowns with surprise before retaliating. Jane tries not to let her gaze turn to her best friend for fear of forgetting the road ahead.

This is too important to discuss in the car.

- **I wasn't talking about that. I'm talking about how you only wear hats, even in this moment. Of all the times you disappear after lunch or before bed. I don't think you think I'm stupid.** >> she said before crossing her arms against her chest, offended but ready to negotiate.

Jane shakes her head gently and her knuckles tighten around the steering wheel.

<< **Darcy! Stop It's enough, I don't want to.** She replies honestly,

Darcy straightens up hard, irritated by the answer.

 **-Oh, but yesterday you did? How convenient. You know, I never thought of you as the type to complain, especially when you moan. But now that I'm the one who wants to talk, we can't. Curious timing.** She says with her chest turned towards the discussion, an elbow on the CD compartment chest which is located between the two seats.

Jane clenches her jaw. All this seems to be turning to vinegar, she can feel it, even more knowing that Darcy got it into his head to fix it at this very moment. She can't stop knowing they're going to run out of gas, and it would be a luxury to stop the engine. Even more compelling is that she's driving, there's no escape. She can only react and defend herself.

- **It's not what you think, it's worse. Don't start what you can't finish. I want to talk about it later, you've been hungry all day and you can be grump-**

Darcy lets out a little sound from her stunned throat.

 **-Oh really? See, I'm worried about you and apparently you're making it sound like a flaw. You know, I feel used. I deserve at least the truth. Are you infected?** >>

Jane grunts hard with frustration and irritation. This is so reckless, Darcy's repartee was only the icing on the cake.

<< **No! I wouldn't drive if I was. I would have left you the car and shot myself, the more we talk about it, the more I am tempted.** She says ironically to criticize the situation that is taking place without her consent.

Darcy looks out to calm down for a few seconds, she seems only to boil with rage at the answer. 

- **Oh, and if I were a guy,** she starts in on the condescending tone again to get her to react, **would you have left me hanging the second you came? Or is that best-friend treatment? Because I didn't think you were such a coward in the den. You're sick and it shows, if you're infected it's just worse because there are literally no doctors in the world! I don't blame you for falling asleep while I was brushing my teeth! I blame you for not telling me the real reason we went to the drugstore. Do you understand what I'm saying?** >> she declares quickly before Jane even has a chance to respond, 

  
Jane turns her head to Darcy with a sad look on her face. Why did she need to mix the two subjects at the same time? Yes, they must have had to talk about that one-night stand, whether it was loneliness or just for fun, and all the others ones before that. The unsaid are only more practical, for the lack of response that this apocalypse had brought, her sexuality had not been the first of her worries.

<< **Well okay!** she bursts out under the emotion, her eyebrows are frowned upon and she observes Darcy Lewis's unjustly convinced look, **I have cancer! Do you fucking get it? Leave me alone, damn it! I'm driving I might as well n-** >> she begins to rage at the lack of explanation and perfect answer in her mind, out of all the way she had thoughts of telling her, this was far worse than any of them.

Darcy looks forward while Jane looks back at her.

She seems surprised at the statement. Jane was about to continue, but she was cut off.

<< **Jane! Survivor!** she repeats alarmed,

- **What?** -Then add Jane surprised, **I survive I don't-**

- **No!** -She's arguing hard, **-a survivor! Look!**

She was too right, there's a smoked-out vehicle, wrecked from the front.It was strange considering there was only one road for hours, what are they doing here? 

Jane's speeding to get there on time.

If there's anything she and Jane know, it's that just like in the movies, time is running out to get someone out of a burning car before it explodes. By the time Jane sets foot on the ground, Darcy is already pressed into the unconscious man's belt. A static sound is heard, 

<< **Thor? Thor? Get back to base, the sensor reported an impending explosion!** >>

The walkie-talkie's ringing off the hook, it doesn't seem to wake the man who seems to have a head injury, and all over the him in fact. The sniffing voice is worried and alarmed. 

It has every reason to be.

The car explodes in a shade of red and gold, the heat could almost burn their eyebrows, its so hard that they did manage to get him out of it in time, sharing the weight of the heavy man within the two of them.

The Blond's heels dug parallel lines in sand as he was carried into the back of the camper. 

<< **You're not going to get away with this.** >> said Darcy as she obtained the survival kit from the front of their vehicle. 

The man's body is lying on the floor of their RV, unconscious. His heart beats, so little, that she must constantly contain her own fears and hold her index finger against his neck at the base of his jaw.

<< **I know. It's only just beginning.** >> she answers back with a sigh, 

**_._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayyy, a wild chapter appeared! I actually quite like this one! Its a good intro for them even if its gloom in this impending doom. But hey, Ships you never heard of much right? 
> 
> Its not the end of them ;) 
> 
> Next chapter's hint : 
> 
> He felt swollen with pride by the second, especially with Loki's benevolent look on his face, not only seeing his victory, but appreciating it for what it was worth. 
> 
> p.s : Also sorry for the switching bold and italic stuff, still figuring out how I like my layering.
> 
> -17 May 2020-
> 
> -AD-


	8. Before (8:A)

_**The beauty of a man is not in his appearance or in the choice of his words, but in his acts of generosity that make him know people, places and hearts.** _

_**.** _

_**.** _

**_._ **

Thor lets them fall a few steps behind as he analyzes the situation.The rattling of his armor and the clicking of Loki's boots continue the calm rhythm of the discussion.

Odin had warned him to worry more about his image, but to stoop to the household chores of the bounty men?

He remembers, under the setting sun, how proud he had been to finish his first quest for the village. The armor he wears proudly now was just a wild dream of an ambitious teenager.The principle of the quests was that anyone with the required skills could access them, to make a few more coins when the need arose or simply to help the community. Whether you were too skilled for a task or not skilled enough meant nothing, as long as the quest was completed and approved by the applicant.

The king spends several days of every season in the court of judgment for all those who want to obtain reparation for a poorly conducted quest; a life lost to kill a Bilgesnipe being the most common, or the repair of a broken tool by the contracted bounty men.Certainly, he had made a royal version of these household chores lately, by reputation, the trio of warriors as well as Thor had been able to eradicate several beasts harmful to the villages of several kingdoms.

These were quests of his experience, of his calibre,but nothing more rooted in the community than what Odin and Loki were proposing today.There was nothing wrong with getting their hands dirty, but what's the point if they already had the money. As well as their skill might well be too high for the kind of quest the village of Axfen.Why not leave such quests to the people who need them for the economy?

He could ask the question directly, but he does not think he will get a clear answer.If he is certain of anything about the past and Loki is that he is precise, but sometimes more vague than Heimdall himself.

Or the Loki he spent his childhood with.Since his return, Loki seems different.If only because of his stride, oh my , more feline as well as the length of the pronunciation of his vowels. Or just what was visible, Loki had been antisocial for decades, and now he's offering it for quests with the trio and Thor? Wavering around a swagger he had never perceived before of the man.

Strange.Thor believes there must be a reason for this new familiarity.Warmth was not Loki's specialty, even though he had the quality of being stubborn for those he loves. Which they all seemed to get from their mother's side.His point was that Loki was in his doings.Thor wasn't an expert, and he didn't want to be one.It was already wearing him down thinking about it, all the traps, the lies that could hurt each of them.

But there's this gullible excitement building up in the pit of his loins. This new quest that's all about spending time with his brother.Of course, it's not his preferred method of reaching him.

<< **You're quiet. That's new.** _said Loki's amused voice as he reached for his step._

- **Not really, I mean I don't think so...** _he says, arching his eyebrow at the remark,_ >>

Loki thought he'd changed too?

He feels like he stayed the same.

<< **How would you know that? You're just around yourself every day.** _Loki replies unequivocally,_

Thor didn't know what to say, so he improvised.

- **And you don't ?** _He answered quickly, unsettled,_

Loki turns his head towards him with a grin.Thor can't tell how much he missed him,just that damn smile.

- **I'm not pretending I haven't changed. My time away has opened my eyes, though.**

- **Has it, how?**

Loki begins to soften his gait as he approaches the city sign.

- **Opening my horizons, meeting new people, new experiences...** _he calls out one by one gently as he takes off his gloves,_ >>

Thor grunts, the thought of hearing more frightens him.But jealousy, the jealousy that was born out of the unknown, the jealousy that he asked himself every year what Loki could do at the same time on the other kingdom is gaining ground.

<< **Spare me the details,** _he hears himself say as he looks forward,Loki seems to have taken the opportunity to point out a poster of his shiny black nails._

\- **This one** , _he said simply, giving Thor a moment to read it,_

Classical writing that is very pleasant to read, cursive and spirals in a way he had never mastered before, Thor sighs at the end of his reading.

\- **This one? Why not this one?** _he said, pointing to the request for help in capturing a dragon,_  
Loki snorts amused.

- **What's the point of following me on a quest if you don't open your horizons? If you open your eyes wide, you might just find something to learn.** d _eclares the god of chaos with an ounce of sarcasm,_

- **I don't love you anymore. You're arrogant, Loki** ** _._** _He unequivocally says to tease him for a reaction, almost meaning out of annoyance towards their next task ahead._

- **How** **stupid of you to not to have noticed it sooner then.** _H_ _e replies with an amused sniff._

And for the first time that day, Thor was happy to see that not everything had changed. >>

.

.

.

It wasn't that Thor hated his elders, but he didn't like the arrogance they displayed. Especially when he couldn't respond to them in the same way.

He wondered what Loki was doing, while he, with his big hands over a cup of tea, had to be polite to an old lady who seemed to be happy to ask derogatory questions.

Loki should have stayed here, talking was his specialty, wasn't it?

<< **I think so, Lady Sif perhaps** _,he said uncertainly, not realizing that each of his answers could cost him a condescending comment._

The sound coming out of her throat was filled with judgment.

- **Maybe? You should know that at this age, it's the age of marriage you know. After that, you get too sensitive to the little flaws. Trust me.** _She said with one hand against the table._ >>

Thor turns his eyes to the corridor, wishing Loki would end it all.

<< **I'm keeping my options open, Sif p** -, _he interrupts himself by realizing how grumpy his intonation has become, he resumes by clearing his throat,_ \- **can choose what she wants.** >>He hadn't given too much thought to the marriage, the lady wasn't wrong, but everything was going so slowly that the idea hadn't come up. Maybe that's all Sif was.

A possibility.

<< **You think you're doing her a favor like that, but you'll regret it soon enough.** _She carefully added, looking towards the same place as Thor,_

- **I remember, from the time when the great Odin did not need a stick to move properly, that he was as young as I was.** _She seems to remember this with a contented sigh,_ **And then to go on, he became king long before his union, every damsel in the county thought she was the lucky gal. That was long before the business between the nine kingdoms became spaced out. When he found your mother, it was both devastation and mutual respect, because not long after they were married, they had you. A blue-eyed boy, as playful as a little brown bear.**

Thor wondered if she would end it at all, he couldn't see an end to the thought or a moral of the story anytime soon. But the mention of his presence in his story soothes his boredom enough.

- **That's why we were surprised when they had a second child, Loki's birth was not public. No, I heard the child had managed to make her sick. Or at least that's what was said in the villages, to explain that the birth was private.**

**But I still don't understand,** **or at least,**

**don't want to understand. That this boy had a tuft of charcoal black hair and forest green eyes**. _She exclaimed, passing an index finger over her own lower lip._

- **What does this have to do with marriage?** _He asked confusedly,_ but at the same time he was careful with the subject, and his precautions increased with regard to what the lady was implying, whether voluntarily or not.

- **That Odin offered her something that she herself knew she could not refuse. And she did it again and again. Because Odin knew what was best for his wife. Even if it didn't always end up as planned.** _She said with a confident nod, confident in her own response._ >>

Thor grunts inwardly at the mention of the All Father knowing what's best. That wasn't always true. No, the king had made his share of mistakes. Maybe as a Prince he was closer to get a glimpse of them, but Odin didn't look as perfect as she paints him right now. He swore himself to leave the room soon, bored and slightly irritated.

For example, their father had allowed Loki this trip between kingdoms for a decade, and Thor could not feel more like a stranger to his brother.

Thor grunts, but the smooth dapper answering back voice seems to prevent him from answering.

<< **Indeed, Matilda. Your furnace was infested with a bird nest. Especially crows. It's taken care of, they shouldn't be back anytime soon.** _He said,_ _as he wipes his hands on a cloth_ , **I added a protective seal just as a precaution.** _T_ _he soot gradually dyes the object as he speaks,_ **To answer your other question, I would like to add that Frigga is an independent woman, if you want to speculate, wait until we are gone. It's the least one can do, isn't it?** >> _he says nonchalantly_ _putting the black cloth on the table_ _,_

Thor smiles politely at the lady, as he straightens up hard, the chair creaks at the sudden movement he makes.

Appreciating Loki's tact, but still impatient to get it over with.

<< **I was only saying my opinion, take it or leave it, young man,** _she said slightly offended_ , **I may not have the manners of a lady anymore, but I have the experience to make up for it! Live and you will see.**

Thor pushes the chair back against the table, both relieved by the end of this activity and the promise of spending time with Loki.

**-I think you're absolutely right, our manners have gone out the window, we're starving, do you have a recommendation for our feast?** Loki says like a diplomat, and now that he says it, Thor acknowledges his own empty stomach.

- **Take two turns after the forest, don't say I'm the recommendation if you aren't good as gold, don't forget the tip, they need it more than you do.** _She says in a maternal tone, both gentle and strict._

Loki sour smile is fascinatingly so genuine that Thor is wondering how he hasn't made him smile this way since his return.

- **Of course, there's no doubt. Feed the birds outside, not through the windows, it makes them find all the entrances to get more. And don't add sugar to the water, you'll make them sick.** _Loki doesn't even seem to linger to get the money, although he'd be surprised if the lady were to give it to him._ >>

The sound of the door slamming heavily seems to make Thor pucker up, annoyed by the discussion itself. He can't believe that Loki seems to have enjoyed the exchange, it's not his habit.

<< **I still don't understand why you chose this one and not another."** _he said puzzled, Loki turns his gaze to observe him as he walks slowly._

- **The day is not over, tell me when you understand.** >> _he says simply before observing the wildlife around them._

.

.

.

There are many things that Thor had gotten into the habit of doing without even seeing the effort it takes to exercise it. So much so that they had become invisible habits.

Services, whims, a habit taken for granted.

Their meals had been full, the conversation had been casual.

The atmosphere was pleasant, Loki didn't seem to judge him for his lack of

knowledge on certain subjects, and he tried to do the same for him.

It was refreshing, so much so that this old-fashioned reflex manifested itself in a simple flick of the wrist as the beer finished being poured by the waitress. No words are said during the exchange.

He doesn't remember when was the last time he handed Loki his mug of beer and having this habit of receiving it with an exact colder temperature.

It had become a habit since Loki had learned to do it so long ago, to want to make it useful and help him. He remembers asking Loki to do it for a hundred of his drinks, without even receiving a second thought of using Loki's magic for something so futile, but the very idea of a cold beer the way he likes it was very appealing. All his decades of using this magic to maintain the temperature of his beverage, Thor sniffed amused at the situation.

When he gently exhales as he swallows the liquid, which is as cold as he remembers it as if the glass itself had been carved in the icy mountains of Jotunheim.

<< **If you're interested, I can teach you.** _Loki replies with a slightly flattered smile,_ **seeing how much you miss it, it's quite simple.**

Thor licks his lips with a moment of silence to think about it. Loki insinuates that he wouldn't need him to do it anymore, but part of the fun was that Loki was the one who gave him the privilege.

- **I don't know if I can do it, spells are your expertise, Loki.** _he offers with an honesty that surprises them both,_

Loki crosses his hands together, thin fingers intertwined as he presses his elbows on the rustic log table. The thematic burnt caramel color of the place clashes harshly against the pallor of Loki's skin and the shades he proudly wears. Thor appreciates the contrast, it shows anyone who enters that Loki is not like them, he is special, that he has always been special.

- **If you know how to Implore electricity, you probably know how to heat up a tea. It's not magic that's foreign to you. Come on, humor me, try it. If you fail, I won't ask again.** he said softly with a charming smile,

Thor sighs with a little smile.

- **Only once, I'm listening.** He warns gently,

Loki starts to put his hands around his half-empty beer, Thor takes advantage of this to get Loki's cup of tea which seems almost full. He almost asks if Loki has waited until he holds out his beer to do this exercise. He wouldn't be surprised if he did.

Loki could have waited years to simply teach him this kind of thing. The attraction of doing it himself had never been strong enough knowing that he assumed that Loki's place by his side was something that would never change. He had been wrong, but this time he likes the idea of learning it, whether it's to impress Loki or something else.

He puts his big hands around the cup with gold embossing, he wonders if the workers at the pub decided to give them their best cutlery for their stature as Princes, it was those little details he never really paid attention to, but it seems that spending the day with Loki had that effect on him.

He didn't particularly dislike it, he appreciated the attention to detail even though he didn't apply it to himself.

He didn't felt the need of fancy napkins or mugs. A simple one would do just fine by him.

He can feel the warm washed water from the porcelain. He raises his curious gaze to Loki's face who seems to be waiting to declare his instructions.

- **Close your eyes, try to determine the position of the clouds and the axis of the kingdoms around you.** >>

Loki's words are familiar to him, so he has heard them before from his mother's mouth and from his teachers, it had usually become a reflex to know the position of the kingdoms around his being. To easily call Mjölnir to himself, or invoke his lightning.

He tries to do it without closing his eyes, but the rebellion inside his body is silent as he sees that Loki is so serious about teaching him. He closes them with credible conviction, letting the calm gently settle in with his brother's velvet voice and the human sounds of laughter and food in the room.

He knows this is the easy part, so he really concentrates, then waits for the next orders. 

<< **Take the temperature in the palm of your hand, soak your bones in it. Then take your index finger and turn it clockwise on the rim of the cup, go around it a few times. Soaking in a new temperature, one that comes from yours, in this cycle.** he says softly

Thor begins to do the instruction, he hopes he doesn't fail, or disappoint Loki. So he continues to follow the rim of the cup more than five times just to succeed.

A cold hand comes and rests on Thor's hand, he is so surprised that he ignores the cup between them. He looks directly at Loki who smiles at him.

**-Why did you, I didn't...** - _He starts surprised,_

Loki looks at the cup to get him to do the same.

- **Congratulations, you have invoked the temperature of a boilling kettle on my cup, which puts you past the pre-apprentice mage class**. he says with a clear, jovial laugh, **Impress the masses with this knowledge. You've done well.**

Thor watched the smoke leave the cup with eyes big as well as bright.He can't believe it, so much so that he can't help but growl.

**-Didn't you do that Loki? That would be so cruel**. he says quietly, trying to contain his excitement,

He felt swollen with pride at the second, especially with Loki's kindly look on his face, not only seeing his victory, but appreciating it for what it was worth.

- **Of course not, I even stopped you before you broke that poor cup, you're a warm-soul type of person. A lap or two would have been enough.** He said with an amused but proud tone of voice, Thor smiles even more at the remark.

Incredibly satisfied with himself.

- **With a little encouragement and patience, you can learn all you want Thor.**

**Thor... That's what I've learned on my journey, and if you give me a chance. I'd love to teach you.** >> Breathe before taking a sip of his tea, the one Thor knew was warmed for him,

Thor could feel this flower of hope and pride growing inside his chest.He could be enjoying this new Loki quickly at this rate.

.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was excited to finally be able to add a new chapter to this fiction that I love so much. :D I like the dynamic of Thor and Loki in this chapter, it gives hope on who they could be with a little hope and a lot of chapters later! :P
> 
> Hope y'all are staying safe ^^
> 
> \- 18 may 2020-
> 
> -AD-


	9. After (9:A)

**Find reasons to live, instead of excuses to die.**

.

Thor growls heavily as he can feel his heart swelling in his temples. He exhales with the simple realization that he can feel the warmth of the sofa containing him in the bubble he never wants to leave. 

He feels the tight embrace of bandages against his forehead and his collarbone. He tries not to feel this descent of his mood, this fear of not having succeeded.

_He's not worthy, he'll never be worthy again._

He ignores the bitter taste in the back of his throat, the one that soaks his tongue with a terrible texture.

He almost ignores the warm breath on his left arm. The curious finger which slides gently against the bruise which the belt had created. When his gaze pierces the fog and the blindness of light he feels warmer than ever. He meets a gentle gaze, the sight of hazel eyes. The view is tender, he cannot tell when he last saw a living woman. The sun seems to fill the auburn irises, giving them the appearance of a pool full of honey.

He lets his own slip towards the young woman's fleshy but dewy lips, a warm and shy smile seems to welcome him.

He likes the intonation of her voice as she initiates the conversation.

<< **Thor right...?** >> she blows softly,

It was a good dream if it even was one.

Thor caught himself smiling softly back at her.

He couldn't tell when was the last time..

.

<< **So you're a doctor?** >> Starts Darcy with an ounce of hope in her face, 

What Bruce recognized all too easily, the woman seemed so expressive that he wondered if she had ever lied once in her life.

She observed the resemblance of a remastered room into a laboratory.

He doubted that there were survivors just about everywhere, but he didn't expect to have met any others so soon. He had enough of Thor, who never seemed to want to be sober. But Bruce was convinced that in the apocalypse, he would run out of fuel soon enough. He rests his gaze on the laptop he uses for his data, he then pulls a wired USB camera to their immediate location.

Darcy watches the place with an impressed sniff. Must have run on a lot of power.If they'd both robbed the neighborhood, there'd probably be enough to run that kind of power.

Although, she wouldn't know, they were charging their car battery using cables and praying that the car wouldn't explode in their hands.

It used to be a challenge, she never thought she would be able to go so long without the internet or even something as simple as a radio, but today it has become a way of life. The internet was just like any other system, it had to survive or perish. There was no doubt about what had happened to it. But Darcy asks where are the ten people who made her laugh on Tumblr in her good memories. Had they found a new community? Maybe they had simply become pockets of meat for the dead.

The years had passed, and yet she still had the feeling that others knew better than she did about what they had to do. If she had thought that this was the case during the past, now it's a pain in the ass.

This guy seemed to know a hell of a lot more about what he's doing than she did. What makes her wonder what he's doing in this lab, finding a cure? Help the survivors? Being a doctor? To whom ?

<< **If I tell you, could you say your name and age on video?**

He says backing off a foot, considering this might be useful to him.

She seems confused but she takes the position he points out to her without quibbling, it had been too long since she had felt the excitement of being filmed that she had to take a second of constraining silence before starting.

Bruce feels that she is more desperate than he thought.

**\- Oh uh, I'm Darcy Lewis, 31, but don't tell everyone.**

She's watching her reflection of her lost-self on the laptop.

**It's been a long time since I touched a cell phone.**

Bruce can't tell if she's talking to the camera or him.

 **My Ipod has been dead for 6 years but I still have it, I'm convinced I'll use it someday!** She seems distracted by her own nostalgia, but by some black magic, she seems to remember her train of thought.

- **So can you answer my question?**

Bruce puts his hand on the back of his left arm with a small inner sigh, both amused by the video statement and the naivety of the young woman. He notes that she must have been in her early 20's when all this started. That explains the overwhelming enthusiasm and the lack of any sense of personal space.

- **Which one?** He said with a slight amused curve on the edge of his lips,

 **I'm a doctor but I've never taken the exam legally,** he continues as he points to the library further away which seems to be accumulating more books than it can afford.

 **There's been a certain cruel lack of certified doctors to correct me lately. If it's just an iPod, the word you're looking for is technician, but I can only charge the battery if it's salvageable.** >>

He says gently, considering that helping her would only benefit the chances that she wouldn't turn against them, he can't help but think that he left the other one with Thor in the dining room.

The young woman's eyes light up with a thousand lights at the declaration, as if he had set off fireworks.

<< **Would you really do that? You are my savior. You don't know how I hate Lady Gaga and Billy Ray Cyrus and nickelback now, and it's not even their fault! It's the damn only CDs left in Loop, it's not the lack of trying.** >>

She explains, both exasperated by the mere mention of the names, but relieved by his proposal.

**.**

Jane watches the man serving himself a jar of peanut butter.He serves it with his fingers and Jane hates how her mind goes sour.

She gently pulls a stool out in front of the island to initiate conversation.

The blond pulling towards the grey seems a bit stunned, he grunts to answer simple yes and no questions. He also seems to be still hurt, so Jane swears not to let the idea of his rough hands sliding down her waist distract her for another second.

The camp was far away in her mind, so being alone without Darcy filled her lungs with fresh air. She didn't hate her, but living with her every day and having to follow all the ramblings of her mind declared aloud began to get her fed up.

She was about to continue her questions when Thor's gaze straightened to look down the corridor behind her.

She didn't need to ask to know who was approaching.

<< **Jane! My new favorite doctor would know how to help your cancer and slow it down!** She says without any shame to be embarrassed about,

Jane feels grumpy on the inside, especially when the pure blue eyes meet hers, with that tinge of empathy that Jane had seen appear in the camp before.

 **-I'm the only Doctor you know.** Said the doctor with a sigh as he saw Thor, who is not hiding from tasting his pot without any trace of shame. 

He pulls a spoon out of a drawer to stuff it into the pot with a bitter look at the man who is almost twice his size in muscle.

- **Listen, Darcy, I know you want to help...**

**I completely understand, but it's not treatable. I've tried. I don't know what part of my body it's in, but I know it's there. And there's no hospital willing to scan me for the modest sum of a leg, you know?**

She says with a slightly sharpened tone,

**You're very sweet, but I've accepted my case. If you want to help me, you better start doing the same.**

The man with the patched glasses steps forward with one finger in the air, reflecting.

- **What did you try?** He says simply, almost like the shadow of a dare, proving a theory that Jane can't help but hate. Everything he stands for and insinuates.

 **-Everything, Lupron, Doxil, Cytoxan, but it's like butter.** She replies to him to throw him in a loop.

- **See? I more than believe myself. And I'm not letting you die in a zombie apocalypse of some damn cancer. Especially when you've just told me and it seems like you've known for months! No, sorry Jane, I'm not like that.**

She says with her arms folded, determined and stubborn.

**-Did you ever think it wasn't just about you?**

She coldly let go without thinking defensively.

She doesn't know how the sentence came to her lips, maybe it was fatigue and irritation that was attacking her brain, or maybe it was just the adrenaline from earlier that didn't know where to go... 

But having all three pairs of eyes on her, with their judgments, their ideals and the presence of a hope that she had given up weeks ago seemed too much to take in all at once.

**-You know what I think?**

**I think I didn't deserve this, come on Doc, we've got a machine to bring back to life.** >>

Finishes Darcy with a voice cracked by her emotions , she seems to turn around and leave the room the way she entered it.

The man with the pair of glasses seems to watch her for a few seconds, then observe Thor before silently leaving the room.

Thor, the man who had survived an attempt on his own life, had known what to do,found what she had wanted for so long. He looked at her only once before handing her an almost finished bottle of rhum. 

For the first time in a few months, the relieved smile on her lips was far from a lie. It is only on this sad realization that she sees who she will get along with.

**.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little segway for the story, little info dump but not too heavy. Some angst and yet some hope. Hope you're ready for the Thorki incoming soon. ;) 
> 
> Four chapter away from where I am currently writing the story of this fiction. I really like the breathing room it gives me. Thank you for readin' leave a kudos if u wanna see some more! :P
> 
> \- 19 May 2020-
> 
> -AD-


	10. Before (10:A)

**The time we spend together will never be enough.**

.

.

  
The sweat seemed to dig a path on his body and from what he could see, he's not the only one.

The muscles in his body were screaming for any sign that one of them was about to give up. He wouldn't say no to icy water on his face or even a few minutes to catch his breath. But the very thought of these activities makes him yearn even more for a loser and a winner.

The thought of letting him win reaches his mind. Fandral is a fearsome assailant, armed with his sword or not.Thousands are the Soldiers who couldn't say they won a fight against his best friend. Thor is very proud of this, as if it were the apple of his eye.

So much so, in fact, that he finds pride in knowing the most mundane facts about his assailant. But if he knows anything, it's that Fandral won't let him. If he wanted to confess, he'd have to make him work for it. There was no glory in giving up for fatigue.

Fandral had worked so hard to continue this friendly battle that they had started as children. It had followed in adolescence, but where Thor was doubling in mass, Fandral was increasing in height. To leave them in this unequal struggle against time and gravity. He'd seen Fandral learn to wield the sword the second he passed the test to enter the royal courts. Thor couldn't see the contrast any more than he does now. Of this young man, with a nasal voice and a sulky face, for this man before him, armed and confident.

Thor knows very well that this means a great deal to them, the weekly fights they share never make them feel the same.

He ignores the blade in his direction at close range, so he knows he must have shaved off a few hairs on his left arm. He pulls his foot back to take a step back, letting Fandral charge towards him with speed. Thor enjoys being close to his enemy for what is about to unfold.

He lifts the base of his sword with his right hand up to the sky to prevent them from hurting him and to create a passage for Fandral's sword to slide against his own blade, both blades passing over his head. Fandral's arms are directed towards him to compensate for the height of the blades. As the blades slide over his own head, Thor appreciates how the speed of the movement allows him to use his left arm to grasp Fandral's attacking arms. He tightens his bicep's grip around Fandral's forearms. The movement forces him to rethink his technique. A noise of frustration answers him as he performs the gait, Fandral adapts quickly enough to the new situation. Thor takes advantage of his second of glory knowing that swords are not his strong point. Their eyes meet for half a second, Thor's blade is near his friend's beard, waiting for a counterattack. He's not shouting victory yet, it's just the beginning of the maneuver. He is delighted when he hears Fandral's sword reach the ground, he wastes no time in throwing his own further and making this fight in a terrain he is more interested in. That of the fists and the weight of their bodies.

Thor recognizes his advantage as they begin to fight with their fists.He's heavier and has more than one level of strength higher than Fandral in this type of battle.But Fandral surprises him by hitting him in the stomach with both feet, the blow is powerful enough to surprise Thor. Realizing that his grip is weakened by the sudden turn of events, he can feel Fandral using his weight against him to detach and regain an attacking position. Thor catch upon the fact that Fandral is learning from his mistakes faster than he is. He seems to have forgotten that fact, between pride and nostalgia perhaps.

He wonders if there's a way to surprise the Asgardian, Thor feels like he's just an open book to his loved ones. Loki wasn't like that, Loki was different. They all knew him, but he he--

<< **Someone's definitely distracted** , Fandral is amused, **It makes my victory almost worthless...Maybe a stake could change the game?**

He proposes with an arched eyebrow, provocative and interested.

Thor is intrigued, Fandral only had to ask if he needed anything. What would he want that he doesn't already have?

 **-I** ' **m listening comrade, you've definitely got my attention.** He replied simply, 

Fandral wipes his forehead with his sleeve and looks around before looking at him. Almost in intimate confidence, Thor doesn't know what to expect from this moment.

But it seems very important given the reaction of the fair-haired man with a mustache.

- **I'm allowed to invite whoever I want to the contest if I win. Not the same teams from years past. You're a good teammate, but I've got someone in mind for this one.**

He says half excited at the thought, Thor opens his mouth but nothing comes out. 

He almost forgot. The leaves from trees all over the kingdom would soon fall.

The contest, the one he hadn't won with Fandral in the last few years.

- **You only had to ask, you know, I wouldn't have said no.** He said honestly with a little smile.

- **That's because you don't know who I'm gonna ask.** Said he with a suggestive wink, this one makes Thor confused, who was he going to choose? 

Thor has no problem letting Fandral win for this prize, this gamble. But he played dumb because it was important to him, because it was obvious that Fandral had had to think long and hard to decide to tell him now.

- **That's what you think.** He raised his fists in front of him.

Thor can't help but think on the other hand. 

Fandral had decided to change the Harvest's comrade now, was it because Loki was now here? But Loki had never had any interest in playing before, why would that change? And why would it be for Fandral? 

Thor feels a certain jealousy building up in his thoughts, he prefers to let it fuel his fight instead of his mind. So, what if Fandral wanted Loki, he had every right to. They seemed to get along well, and the idea of a sorcerer and a swordsman together was a very clever idea. He keeps from grumbling annoyed, he owes it to himself to win the Harvest of the Gods this year. To show Fandral that he can do it, but more importantly... To see that proud look in Loki's eyes again... He can almost feel the warmth in his chest at the thought of that simple little smile with the wrinkles that comes with it.

- **We'll see** >> he blows softly, animated by the idea of giving him the hell of a fight to win.

**.**

**-**

**-**

**-**

**-**

**.**

The sea water has never been as refreshing as it is now as he slides his head outside. He takes a deep breath and then carries the lost hairs on his face to the back of his skull. He opens his eyes to spot Fandral further away. He's already standing on the sand, Thor joins him soon enough. 

He watches their clothes drying under the glittering suns. The sound of the sea pounding against the rocks is soothing.

<< **I want Sif to be my partner.** declares Fandral in quiet silence, 

Thor raises his head with his elbows to look at the bare back of his friend sitting on his right. 

- **For the Contest? Oh, the thought hadn't crossed my mind.** Thor replied confused, almost relieved, 

Fandral stops breathing for a moment before responding

- **For the Harvest, Yes.** He replied far away. 

Thor acknowledges the discrepancy in response time as suspicious. 

- **Fandral, do you have a crush on Lady Sif**

He asks sincerely, his tone is both surprised and warm.

Fandral's laughter clung to his ego for a moment.

- **I want her to respect me more Thor, she's started to see me as a nuisance. I don't think she's jealous of every woman I fuck. But she seems to judge me well, even if they're all willing. Maybe she envies my freedom of speech, she always had to fight for hers.**

Breathes the man both soul-searching and concerned. **I adore her with her spirit, but she is changing. I just want to spend time with her to see what's going on or if it's just in my head.**

Thor's frowning softly. He hadn't noticed.

- **I don't mind if you invite her, if you can persuade her,**

he adds with a teasing smile, wondering if that's really the case.

Did he keep his eyes closed for so long? 

**-Oh Thor, you hurt my little heart.** He replies with a similar smile. **She may have changed, but I'm still the same unspeakable seducer. Come on, who are you going to choose if Hogunn and Volstagg choose each other?**

Thor licks his lips as he lets a little confused grunt out of his throat. The salty taste attacks his tongue wonderfully as he prepares to respond.

 **-I believe I have a greater challenge than yours. I hope to ask Loki's permission. I miss him terribly,** his hand comes to find the freckled shoulder. 

Fandral watches him gently, almost analyzing his face before speaking.

**-I think you're going to have less trouble than you think. Sif isn't the only one who's changed, even though she's still with us. We can see that distance doesn't change the result, the people we love evolve. I wish you the best Thor.**

He clears his throat gently and Thor takes the opportunity to ask him a question that was beginning to weigh on him. He can't think of anything else but Loki's vague gaze as he told him a variation of the same thing the day before yesterday. People change and this distancing...

**-** **Do you enjoy his company anyway? Sif...I understand her reluctance, but the rest of the team doesn't seem to care too much about him.**

The sincerity in his voice and Thor's concern gives Fandral hope for a while. 

**-We trust you Thor, if you think Loki knows the limits of his tricks, he's welcome in the guild. That goes without saying for anyone you like. You'll vouch for me when things go wrong and everything's going right.**

Thor exhales as he watches the light pass through the turquoise water, a silent determination filling his heart. Loki seemed more open, perhaps the Harvest would be a golden opportunity.

To win with Loki, team up. 

When had they ever teamed up just the two of them together?

Thor couldn't remember exactly when.

Needless to say, that had to change now. >>

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope y'all stay safe or apply good precautions against this thing.
> 
> Sending some good vibes and hugs your way!
> 
> I am so surprised I manage to stay on track with this fan fiction. 
> 
> I'm glad tho, staying in quarantine gives me the time to get some chapters done in advance for better scheduling. Little bro time in this chapter, next one is some angst and then 12 is some Thorki fluff!
> 
> -26 May 2020- 
> 
> _AD_


	11. After (11:B)

**Never** **waste your time with someone who believes their own lies.**

**.**

.

.

The young woman was tougher than Thor could have imagined. Every sip was imitated, or almost.

Thor lacked the mind for words, so he listened.

Words were exchanged alone, and the setting sun was not the only reason the young woman allowed herself to get drunk.

They had left the kitchen quite quickly after the others had returned to the laboratory. Thor wouldn't allow himself to follow them anyway. He only has access to the lab when he's the subject. Bruce can only scold him tonight, Thor dares to ponder whether he will join his bed for warmth or share it with the other cheerful young woman.

Thor feels this fear squeezing him for a moment, in this deviation from routine. He enjoyed the brown curls tickling his face, the soft, occasionally rough snoring. The humanity in hearing the sound appeased the thoughts that were rushing through his head. And that, for those nights when he didn't fall asleep as fast as a log. The alcohol used to vaguely possess his gullet to let him snore so loudly that it attracted death.

There was nothing sexual in the way he liked the doctor.

Thor only saw Bruce as this annoying human with a good heart. There's one in every group, that person who takes the leadership role for the sake of others, or themselves. One of those kids who grew up a little too fast for their surroundings. Thor can't help but think about what it means. Part of him is waiting for the second shoe. The one that will drop once the young humans are gone.

He doesn't know how or why, but he's convinced they won't stay long.

It's almost ironic, this Jane's voice soothes him, it reminds him of his mother. The voice of reason, despite the pain and the memories. There's this silent understanding as he looks at her. She seems in no hurry to hear him speak. He knows he wouldn't say anything nice anyway. He's only too used to it, to this irritation. That caged feeling that keeps him inside. He wonders even if the young lady is taking pity on him. She should, at least, if she would know the truth. If she would know everything that happened, what happened to him. For it to end this way, disregarded. He wants to talk, to tell her what matters.

He needs her to know, even if it doesn't change anything.

He needs her to know that he's just an untamed lion in a neat little cage.

<< **I used to be a king**.>> had he blurted out, between the grumbles she vents about the behavior of her best friend. 

He looked at the wall so he couldn't see her reaction, maybe even protect himself from it. She hadn't cut him off, the silence became thick and dense. Maybe it was what he would call akward. But she resumed quite quickly, as if nothing had happened, he took his bottle back to his mouth and enjoyed the burning fire of the alcohol burning his throat.

He shouldn't even have bothered.

He watched the night, the one that is coming fast. He wonder if he shouldn't warn Bruce. He still seems to see the days go by, while the scientist could spend hours as minutes in this gloomy room.

If Thor had to choose whether he admired or feared Bruce's dedication, he wouldn't want to speak too quickly and choose. Bruce didn't believe himself to be a prophet, he knew that the contamination is incorrigible. The dead will remain so, they rot in plain sight. No one needs a degree to notice. They're sufficient, destroying the remaining population bit by bit. But the remaining question was what future is in store for them?

He could not help but smile and cry at the thought that there was someone, someone who had been such a close friend. Who now had to watch him suffer, from the tower, watching the bankruptcy of his life. The descent of his glory.

Was there any hope left?

Thor walked slowly towards the radio station on his bedroom desk. He activates the lever to send the transmission while Jane continues to speak in her enlightened voice. He wonders if the young woman doesn't want to leave him alone, she wouldn't be perfectly wrong. He can't understand why she didn't leave him there.

He wasn't a hero if he had ever been one.

All this questioning, in one dark night.

Thor enjoys his dark night.

He prefers it to the stormy night he discovers after every one of his nightmares, he doesn't know if it comforts him or tortures him not to be able to reach that energy. The same one that allows him to see the sun behind all his clouds. 

.

-

-

.

-

<< **She's not wrong, you know.** Bruce sighs as he removes his glasses with the shiny metal tip. He uses the opportunity to use his yellow cotton shirt to clean the lenses. **It's a luxury to be able to choose your death in this world. Even more accepting it.**

Darcy dropped the book she was trying to read on her stomach, but increasingly she realized she should have brought a dictionary with her. **  
**

- **It's not whether she's wrong or not that matters. It's that I'm pissed off. She purposely kept the news to herself every day by looking me in the eye and saying, ''Oh, yeah, Darcy, I'm fine today. I love you, too, my favorite dumb person!'' It's not fair, and I know I'm right to blame her for that.**

Bruce allows his tea to be drunk slowly, the steam from the tea indicates it hasn't cooled down yet, but his throat is still yet too dry.

**-Her time is running out, if you blame her until she dies. As tempting as that sounds... I wouldn't advise that option. You can even blame her after she's dead, but this moment, today, tomorrow. I'd tell you to put it aside.**

Darcy bites her lower lip and she feels the water pooling under her closed eyelids.

The mention of Jane, no longer existing?

She had not even had time to think of it yet.

**-I'm afraid I'm the girl who dies at the beginning of the movie without Jane.** She feels this tightness in her chest as she talks. The words sound faster and higher pitched as she continues. **She's the one who figured out how to charge the bus with solar panels. She's the one who knew how to take gas out of other cars to save ours. I knew how to turn on the propane, but it stops there. I don't know how to live tomorrow without Jane by my side. Alone, I'm screwed. I can't last long if I run my own way.**

Bruce is watching her with caution, he can't comfort her intimately, he doesn't know her any more than what she already told him. Even if she talked a lot, she talked to say very little. At least, before now, Bruce wants to sigh and tell her he's not that kind of Doctor but that would be lying. He remembers the blue eyes, the voluble tears that drowned in the thick strands of a blond beard. Words, over the years, it was even words that he would add to a story that Thor allowed himself to whisper to him. 

When sadness overwhelmed him and alcohol wasn't enough. That the warmth of his body was the only thing left that was alive.

Bruce ignores the notepad in front of him, he doesn't give a second look at his notes. 

- **You're not alone right now. Even if she disappeared, you wouldn't be alone. There's no shortage of houses in New Mexico for you not to move into. Thor and I could help you. You don't have to be alone. If that's what scares you the most.**

Darcy laughs nervously before she uses the sleeve of her sweater to wipe away a tear. 

**-And break up that nice little old married couple arrangement you've got going on? Nah. I... I know there's a community several days' drive away, it's the journey all alone I don't like.** She jokes.   
  
Bruce is pursing his lips.

_An entire community?_

He tries not to be distracted by the new information and answers honestly.

- **Thor and I have spent a lot of time around each other, but I'm asexual and he prefers women. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to get Jane to drink with him until she's too drunk to think straight**. Bruce warns her gently, knowing that she deserves to know. But he knows the importance of his words. Especially when she turns to look directly at him. The tears are flowing hard and she looks torn inside. **I don't know if he's always been like this, but I don't think Jane will refuse his advances. Terminally ill patients have sometimes life crisis behavior. I wouldn't spare you that information. You seemed close.** He's playing a dangerous game, but he can't allow her to get on his nerves one too many times. Letting her decide what she wants to do with Thor. **No one expected to be ideal in a situation like this. It's better to know what's going on so you can make up your own mind more quickly.  
**

**-You are such an asshole for sticking it to me like that.**

She's sniffing hard, looking for a tissue through the room with her eyes. B **ut I know, I saw it the minute she looked at him. They are totally into each other.**

\- **I don't think it's the loneliness that should frighten you Darcy.**

he just says,

**If I were you, I'd enjoy every day with Jane. They're important to her now.** >>

.

.

-

-

-

.

The heat of the day greets Jane with a sweet sigh.

She feels someone else's weight on the mattress and sniffs the pillow she is leaning on. The smell is both familiar and foreign. She recognizes it as the smell of a man, but she is not yet awake enough to think about the past night. It's a smell she thought she'd never smell again. Darcy's scent was so sweet... fruity in comparison.

When she walks into the kitchen, she meets two pairs of eyes and a noise that makes her think of the radio. She doesn't seem to believe it. 

Everything in the room seems so awake, she recognizes Darcy's back, she seems to be cooking something on the stove. Bruce is reading a newspaper with his tea at the table.

She looks for the source of the radio and realizes it is a laptop. She's too happy to hear it that she doesn't let the idea of the old recording spoil her good mood.

A plate of eggs and toasted bread gently slides in front of her.

<< **I'm sorry, let's forget it. And now Eat.** >> Darcy suddenly declares Darcy slightly sulky in tone, 

Just from her words, Jane exhales with relief.

Jane smiles softly at them, she knows it's best not to question this situation, the choice of her best friend. She already appreciates the effort.

She looks at her plate and then Bruce, perplexed.

<< **Where did you find the eggs?** >>

-.-

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a bit here and there, but I had to introduce some information. Next chapter Thorki from the past!
> 
> A little fluff and banter for the angst that's slowly approaching. 
> 
> Hope you stay safe and well!
> 
> Love y'all
> 
> I'm sending you strength for these readapting times!
> 
> \- 28 May 2020-
> 
> _AD_


	12. Before (12:A)

**Why would you give him a part of your soul, but never share your thoughts with him?**

.

.

.

Thor is watching Loki from his side of the table.

Every single time looks the same.He's there, so close, occasionally with his nose buried in his books.

As soon as he puts down his book and finally lingers to eat,Thor feels like a child, looking for his gaze in the crowd.

Loki can't help but smile softly at the sight of Thor's.

The smell of hot meat and glistening sauce as well as fat laughter is shared for this typical late night.

However, this time Sif and the trio have lingered on various activities. Leaving him alone with his thoughts, another bad idea. 

He wouldn't have blinked twice before, there was so much to do in the kingdom. But as soon as Loki's smirk answered him, Thor was convinced that he had to spend the evening with his brother. 

Whatever the cost, he missed him too much.There was a huge hole in his heart with a very peculiar shape.  
Sometimes it had horns as well as sharpened daggers. 

As Loki left the room satisfied, Thor cut his way through it with his body, leaning against the golden column on the left. Loki watched him gently in the vicinity and finally broke the silence.

<< **Thor, you have the face of someone who wants something from me. Am I wrong?**

Loki starts off sneakily amused by the opportunity of power offered to him on a silver platter,

**-Maybe. But I simply want you here with me.**

He answers honestly,Loki seems flattered, he puts his palm on his pillar with caution.He has great respect for the harsh way Thor's vulnerability shows, except that what prompted him to admit his need, which was the alcohol he had ingested.Wasn't it?

- **What's on your mind then?**

He added that he had been tempted, to test the limits of his potential companion in mischief, Thor turns his gaze to the dining room which empties gently, he meets the benevolent eye of his mother who is talking with scholars.

She seems so calm and soothed, Thor smiles at her with as much elegance as a lazy smile could offer.

 **-I didn't think any further than that** ,

he admits, turning his gaze back to Loki with his own bright look of life and his nose slightly pinkish from the alcohol he had intubated during the meal. 

So many possibilities. 

\- **You're too careful. You always knew how to have fun, have you changed so much?** **O Great Loki, have you become too mature to wreak havoc? Are you no longer bold?**

Thor's provocative act was both obvious and intriguing.Loki seemed both amused and incited to respond.

**-You speak Thor, but are you willing to trust me?**

He approaches with a sigh, Thor is both interested and tempted. He sees Loki's malice in the wrinkle on his forehead, in the facial reaction to his affront. 

Thor loves this debate line, the one that gently slides into the competition. 

Tonight, he feels untouchable, he would go and conquer the world and tie it up in a bouquet of roses if that's what Loki would want.He can't decide whether it's for love or to fill the lack of bravery he's facing these days. 

Nothing seems so thrilling between the golden gates of the castle anymore. The routine is shaky and the meals repeat themselves often enough for him to notice. The announcement of Loki's return had been the news of the year.

- **Let's go outside, you'll see that I don't need to trust you to win.** he growls at Loki's fine words, his hand slips to take the fabric of Loki's tunic from under his palm, he crumples it hard as he draws Loki to him,  
Had Loki grown up since he left? Thor feels a lot less intimidating in this movement than before.Loki gives him back his gaze in the whites of his eyes. Thor tries to slip words out of his mouth but the sight of his brother so close distracts him.

- **Gardens of Freya, now, ready or not, I'm going.** He manages to babble on for just them. >>

.

.

.

-.

.

.

Oh, the heat's boiling hot inside of him, in his veins and insides, that damn magic.

<< **You're just a cheat. An arrogant youngster who doesn't waste a second to cheat at the first opportunity.**

Growl Thor with irregular breathing, hands on his knees.

Loki's cold hand slips against the curve of his back, slips along his ribs and then passes in front of him with confidence.

**-You bark and moan, but you don't bite.**

His tone is almost mocking, with the way he chews every word without hesitation.Thor clenches his jaw and exhales from his nostrils with a sigh.

\- **You're right** , he confesses softly with a thin line of sincerity, **I won't bite you. It is indeed my decision, as the coldness is yours. Poor Loki, you don't seem to know what manners are.** he adds with a self-disparaging tone, slightly irritated by the loss of their competition,

Loki sniffs at his audacity and Thor comes out with a teasing smile as he meets his knowing glance.

- **Manners? It's so voluble, why would you want to please so much? For people you know only by the palm of your hand**. he retorts falsely offended, **M** **y manners are personalized, I only bother to souls who have my ultimate trust.**

He lays his hand on his own heart theatrically and Thor frowns at the turn of his words.

- **Life skills aren't based on what people think of me, Loki, don't you know that?**

He asks worriedly, the notion seems so easy to him.

- **I'm sure it is. You see, you learned everything from mother, father and the people around you, to create this... Thor. This pre-fabricated bubble of what is expected out of you. That people learn to love. If its not based on what they want and think of you. I can't tell what a sense of worth is. Your curse my dear Thor, it's good that few are the things you can call your own**.

Thor feels a pinch around his chest at the retort. It's not just a game now, this feels more serious, more vile.

- **Take that back. Take it off, now. It's not true.**

He says it harder when he stands up, Loki licks his lips and turns his back at him to walk. The gesture seems to activate this competition, this vengeful clown he wants to take over. Its the drop that's a little too much.

\- **Oh really**? He tries with a certain audacity, **Thor Odinson, an armor created for a man wiser than himself, a hammer created for hands more worn out than yours. Eyes that people associate with the kingdom, hair that reminds one of gold. A swollen head that responds to what people think of it--**

Thor races to pin Loki against a stone statue of one of their ancestors whose name they don't know. Loki smiles against it.

Thor takes a breath as he realizes his last sentence. He grunts hard and holds Loki's shoulder with his fingers tightly on the back of his tunic.

\- **You're being very radical about proving your points. This is dangerous. Very dangerous.** He adds around his neck to intimidate him. He's looking at Loki's profile, which seems to be lit by the moon. He doesn't seem to be breathing, or hiding it well.

- **Always. That's the only way we learn. Gods, nothing burdens us more than our feelings. It is not time that gives us worry, nor power. Don't you think you learn better lessons than when you're involved? When there is something vital at the stake.**

Thor is slowly letting go of Loki as he feels his muscles relax. It was only a game. Loki didn't think he couldn't exist outside the realm. Loki loves him and believes in him.Loki wants to teach him something. That's what he meant, isn't it?

He can't help but focus on that word.

 _Stakes_.

Fandral knew how to use it, and once again, Thor couldn't avoid it.

 **-You want some trust, Loki? You want stakes?** he says roughly as Loki turns around slowly, they're face to face and Loki seems as overwhelmed as he is. There's some distance, no longer than his hand between their torsos.

 **-What's on your mind Thor? What are you trying to tell me?** His words are almost silent, 

Loki's curiosity transforms his face, he seems brighter and more interested than ever. Moonlight illuminates his eyes in a very enticing way.

Perhaps even malice. Thor cannot know which, distracted by his own thoughts.

**-I want your hand, your partnership for contest. Your oath... Your malice. Everything, I want to understand, to help you. To win, together.**

Loki opens his mouth, visibly surprised, as if even the existence of the event had left his mind since his return.

- **I'll allow it, only on two conditions.**

Thor frowns, but feels his heart leap at the affirmative answer.

- **Declare yourself forfeit if all this becomes too much for you.** Thor is about to speak but Loki puts his hand over his mouth with a sly smile.

- **And don't forget to convince Frigga that it's a good idea, so that Odin can conjure it up before the competition even begins.** He exhale softly before disappearing. Leaving Thor both confused and excited at the new opportunity. Loki didn't say no. >>

He doesn't realize the weight of his conditions yet, treating them as mere steps, see details in his objectives. 

Somewhere further on, in an empty corridor at this time of night, in the bowels of the castle. Loki gently squeezes the tunic that covers his stomach. The fabric folds easily under the pressure of his palm and fingers, leaving his knuckles white at first glance.

Doubt slowly sets in as the realization emerges.His heart seems so confused, it is only Thor.It's only Thor.Why were the butterflies in his stomach overwhelming him so significantly. 

He hadn't said no. 

_Oh no._

He hadn't said no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friction in paradise, but especially butterflies!I really enjoyed writing this passage. It sounds promising! ^^I wish you all a good time, and for those of you who feel like you have too much time, why not take advantage of it to do the things that were only a dream when you had less time?I really appreciate this two week streak that I manage to continue lately, yay!
> 
> Love,
> 
> -9 June 2020-
> 
> -AD-


	13. After (13:A)

**Why fall in love when you can fall off a cliff and feel the same way?**

.

.

-

Loki felt impatient, the turn signal of the car seemed to taunt him with obvious arrogance. He can almost feel the difference, the sweet and enticing anxiety of realizing that he no longer has control over the end of his journey.Could it be that loneliness didn't seem to weigh on him as much as when he realized his own helplessness in the face of the inactive objects he needed to exist.

Cars, food, clothes, the list was so long that Loki felt this pungent tension building up in his jaw and his knuckles.

Many times where he would have no need to ask his lover to leave the shower between their sensual escapades. For they just gave him an excuse to give himself an anal shower. Breaking the sparkle for this irrationally gruelingly practical side of being human. He only realizes this privilege in the moments of struggle knowing that magic would have solved the problem before he even gave it a second thought. 

When magic was in union with his body and his internal organs. It was a memory so distant in his recollection but close to his mind. That he only had to study a spell to make his life easier and to focus his interest and energy on things that mattered to him.

Loki holds a hand to feel the smooth surface of his medallion, his empty gaze in this road whose wear and tear was the only clue that someone had used it before. Wear that existed before he even crossed it. 

One that he allows himself to assume existed before he ever set foot on this world. 

At last.

He doesn't hate this world, this world is vulnerable, it's messy. It's real.

Asgard..

Asgard had this dose of magic, this dose of gold. Something that was rare in the kingdom he now haunted. 

Asgard had been a crazy dream preserved by particles of his being that are in intense need of explanation. An explanation for an old fool, one last thread that he clings to so he can remember it better. It's hard to hang on to what little he has, the possession of a privilege doesn't feel like it until he assumes the loss of that responsibility. The chance of such a privilege is not felt special until one arrives in a world where magic struggles hard to exist. When it has become as voluble as water, as rare as diamonds and as concrete as smoke. 

Loki sighs softly as he feels the pedal pressure become rubbish, he presses hard to test the theory one last time. Useless indeed. The engine no longer seems to roar and vibrate in its usual cadence. The wheels end their cycles as he turns his head towards his trusty backpack, a simple idea arising from the sight of the object. With no concern for the road ahead of him, which he considers safe.

  
He approaches it to get something inside. The belt tightens against the base of his torso as a warning. 

He uses the speed lever to point it to the first available option of the dial with the use of one hand, he holds a square object from the left. A whisper of excitement slides under his skin to let him interested to see the object light up.

He watches the numbers appear against the frame with a slight smirk.He detaches himself from the seat without hesitation and leaves the keys in the ignition when he locks the vehicle. He grasps the straps of his travel bag and gets out of the vehicle apprehending the rest of the day. 

He observes the deserted highway and the way the weeds have decorated the cracks in the asphalt with their presence.

So he would have a rough use for his new boots today. 

He carries the bag over his shoulders before taking a sip from his water container. All there is for him to do is look at the road from both sides, analyzing the idea of backing up his route knowing that he had seen buildings not too long ago. The heat is tolerable, the sun is subdued and illuminates the greyest of clouds. He shouldn't be long now.He didn't know what to expect.He made it his concrete choice to move on.

.

.

.

-.-

.

.

.

The subdued heat of the afternoon was damp. 

Loki began to see the echo of a city in the distance.

Even though his body was pulling at his tendons, he couldn't say when he'd be done. The skyscrapers deserved their names, for the most of them had survived the passage of time. The highway is as ghostly as the vehicles that inhabit it. Vines and nature having taken over the machines. No chance that one would be in working order, they are nothing but uncomfortable beds and houses. 

  
When a distant rumble reaches the hollow of his ears, Loki pretends not to hear it, saying that he ignores it wouldn't be a derogatory remark. 

The seconds are heavy as he feels the pit of his stomach titillate him with the vile excitement of the thoughts jostling in his mind.

The vehicle finally came closer, so close that Loki could feel the ground vibrating beneath his feet. The wavering heat of a vehicle close.His voice in a loudspeaker was so pleasant to hear despite the aggression of the microphone.

**-Do you have the right to walk on this territory?** Loki smiled harshly as he watched the city in the distance, he didn't warrant a glance at the car slowing down to follow its gentle pace.

 **Don't make me repeat myself,** says the voice with a sigh, even though it was pleasant enough to hear the smile that forms his words, **I'm just a poor worker on a hard hot day.**

Like a disillusioned victim looking for some kind of ease, Loki cannot help but be amused by the details of this role-play. 

**I have the whole day, but I'd like to share it over a nice meal**.

That sounded wonderful to the befall prince's ears. 

**On your knees, hands up, if you have weapons, leave your bag out of your grip.** He added with ease, these words being the most authentic thing that had come out of his mouth since his appearance. 

Even better.

Loki lets his knees hit the cement hard, the dull pain seems to accentuate the serious side of this pretence. He lets the bag slip from his shoulder to the ground without even thinking about it any longer, he doesn't find comfort in his survival gear any more than he should. He abandons himself completely in the moment as it hit the floor with a dull thud.

When he hears the engine stop and the door open, Loki claws at his medallion with his hand. He closes his eyes gently and exhales as he feels the raw energy activate.

Loki can feel growing the strands of semi-long brown hair that clings to his face. He closes his fist to test the spell he has invoked. 

The metal rutilates gently as he slides his fingers against his palm. He only raises his chin in affront when the officer moves towards him. The garment seems to be adequate since the soldier doesn't make any remark about it.

 **-What are you doing in that corner of interstate Bucky?** **The team has already picked up the food from the area.** said the blond man with a smile, Loki, languishing for his touch when he saw his cerulean blue eyes. He smiles back at him with a complicit look on his face. 

**-I'm impressed with that beard, Captain.** He retorts with swagger to break the ice quickly. He notices that his accent doesn't seem completely believable yet, the spell still seems to be adjusting. Loki takes an interested pause to give it more time. **Did you miss me so much that you stopped shaving?** **You're going to end up denying me access to your pants if that's the case.** He starts off easy, as if no time has separated them, he knows Steve won't correct him to the nearest word, so he learns to love the improvisation of their moments. 

Steve is surprised by the answer, he bursts out laughing out loud.

His clear laughter sounds like cold water to Loki, like descending into an icy sea on a scorching summer evening. The melody is refreshing, as important as his presence. He can see the t-shirt he is wearing under his bulletproof vest hugging the curve of his biceps perfectly. Loki bites the inside of his cheek as he stands up slowly, his hands still raised. He knows exactly what can happen at any moment.

The strong hand of the blond soldier finds its way onto his shoulder to incite him to lower his arms, so as the sight of a smile full of white teeth welcomes him with warmth. Loki tries not to melt into the familiar gesture.

- **Glad to see you again Buck, life at the base isn't the same without you.** he confides confidently, Loki can't leave his friendly gaze,

**-I would say the same, but I like the silence of the lone wolf life, but I still miss your ugly mug every day.** he replies, approaching one foot, Loki observes Steve's reaction, the one who remains relaxed.

_Unfortunately, today is a good day._

**-Come on, come with me, I'll carry you wherever you're going.** he says, leaning over to pick up the bag, Loki doesn't deny it, he follows him gently as he slides the bag into the large box of the vehicle. He closes it tightly and looks at Loki again. He seems lost in thought for a second.

Is he having second thoughts?

**Hey Bucky, you'll tell me if there's anything wrong? It's not like you to set your tracker so close to the base, you know you don't need an invitation to come.**

Loki raises an eyebrow at the direct question, he can't tell if it' s part of the game or Steve's actually asking him. He's trying to find an answer that should satisfy both sides of this discussion easily. 

- **And not be able to save you from your awfully boring job?** **You're jumping on every excuse to get out, looking for a mission. I'm just using it to see you, too. It's no big deal, punk. Heard about a good meal, haven't had one in ages, lead the way.**

Loki watches him slowly drive around the car's box to get to the steering wheel, when he joins him, he allows himself to readjust the seat. He crosses the view of his reflection in the outside mirror but he doesn't give it more importance than he is allowed.

Steve turns the ignition on and then straightens it up on the right track.

Loki observes his left hand, the way the light reflects off the shining metal. He licks his lips and turns his head towards the driver.

**-I think I'm going to stay the night, if you'll let me. One meal sadly won't be enough.**

The captain turns his gaze from the deserted road to look back at him.

- **No need to ask, we have enough to put up with you whenever you want. You're welcome there.**

He says to press his words and their importance, Loki purses his lips.

He wonders if Steve's bedroom door has a lock on it.

This is just one more step in this exchange.

He smiles warmly at the blonde and turns his eyes to the road, one arm out against the door.

- **Perfect then.** he nods, **I hope you've got energy because I'm empty, I've been walking all day.**

The words sounds naive enough but Steve seems to get the message quickly.

- **I've got enough for the three of us.** He breathes in and looks at the road seriously, **When was the last time you...?** he asks with discomfort to be brought back to reality.

Loki wouldn't have brought this message so early in their game, but he can't afford to lose his appearance at the group meal he knows he's going to have to attend.

He knows better than to talk about all this at first, for fear of breaking the bubble of trust and their connection.

He appreciates Steve's tact, so he takes note of rewarding him later.

- **A few days, nothing undeserved**. He blows back despite the thick accent of his childhood friend that runs through his mouth, 

**You know I don't touch people who wants to live. I'm physically incapable of that.** He lies tenderly between sighs, **''I'm guilty of chopping down the cherry tree, I cannot lie.''** he can almost feel the captain's withdrawn feeling growing stronger.

 **Don't make that face, it's to everyone's advantage.** He's swallowing and deflecting the conversation with what he does best.

**Tell me about how you're doing, I miss modern life too much. Sometimes I wake up wondering if I missed the train. If I forgot to carry you safely to your classes. But with the war before... I think we had it easy. This is...something else.**

Steve seems to relax towards the end of his dialogue, at the end of his thinking.

- **Nat' often asks when you're coming back, Clint is finding new places for his perch every day and the community is almost the same if it isn't for the couple we've added to the team recently. A doctor and an engineer. Buried what was left of Fury the day before yesterday, the troop is discouraged. I think your presence will bring a little joy to our lives.**

Loki hum pensively.

**-Natasha and you, have you gotten closer? She's good for you, she often knows what to say, and with your tendency to take the weight of the whole world on your shoulders it would do you some good to share them together, in every sense of the word. She's not ordinary looking either, if you know what I mean.**

Steve swallows with a slight laugh that could almost be described as nervous. 

**-Nat'? Our Nat? There's only you, Buck, I'm only waiting for you. I...** he sighs heavily. **She tried hard, but my mind's elsewhere when you're not here. Life comes together when you're here. It's a battlefield when you leave.**

**-Steve...** He almost sighs. He almost sounds sorry,

**-I know.. I realize it's not possible, but for every moment you're here, I'm fine with this... dream. This bubble, I think you love it, too. It suits us.**

Loki watches Steve's hand on the gearshift, he approaches the metal one to put it on his. 

**-Of course I'm okay with it. You're a good guy, Steve.**

**That's all I've been trying to tell you.** >>

He gently catches up with his words to feel the fun and intimacy of role-playing, hand on hand to better feel the heat,

the energy that exhales from the captain's skin to gently reach the Loki artifact under his shirt.

This was an exchange he could never ignore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little confusion maybe?
> 
> Trust!
> 
> I'm not hovering anymore this fanfic the way I hovered TMR, I somehow know where I'm going with all this ;)
> 
> \- 14 June 2020-
> 
> _AD_


	14. Before (14:B)

**_Sometimes we want it so badly that we ruin it before we even start._**  
.

  
.

  
<< **It wouldn't be a fair fight, Thor, you know that. We made that rule when you were only children.**

**You're old enough to know that you with Mnojnilr and Loki's knowledge of most of the quests in the contest is unequal to that of the other contestants.**

**These are tools that are only royalty has that is inaccessible to the other members.**

Frigga begins in a serious tone despite the warm tinge of warmth spread in his words. 

Thor observes from the balcony, both annoyed by the response so predictable.

**-I only have to refrain from using Mnojnir. And Loki...**

She laughs softly.

**-Yes, I'd love to hear your fix for Loki's forbidden knowledge.**

He pinches his lips and inhales as he plays with a silver scale on his chain.

**-Loki can't... can't win, so he guides me**. **He helps me without giving me the answer, and if I win, it's just me and him enjoying the victory. Isn't that fair?**

She's smiling softly with an air of complicity.

**-Do you think he wouldn't find a way to tell you the answers between the lines? I love your ambition Thor, but some quests are a two-man quest. He can't watch you lose and do nothing. That's not the Loki I know.**

Thor grunts harshly.

**-I'm very dense.** **And Loki sometimes too vague. You could make him a deal. He wouldn't dare go against your rules, just make them specific so he doesn't use your words against you.**

He says his hands are waving more than he'd prefer.

- **Don't sell yourself short, and what would the villagers think if you win? That I let you win? That Odin has favorites? We all know what a problem that would be.**

Thor is muttering in frustration, merely because he knows she's right. But now that the idea had sprouted in his mind, he can no longer imagine himself without it.

**-What people say is not within our control. I... I only want to connect with Loki, Mother. I only see us as distant in the past, as well as in the foreseeable future. I only want to embrace the situation. Healthy competition. Don't you usually go for that kind of attitude?**

She lays her hand carefully on his.

**-Plus, you both seem to know that he's warned not to put two members of the same family together as a team. He's not...** she seems to be searching for her words for a moment. **Appropriate, for two brothers to team up in this kind of competition. The tradition of sharing the seird is not the most appropriate for this kind of situation.**

Thor frowns at the mention of the ritual

**-Loki and I are not so lost and distant that we would not pass the test of our souls. We're still good friends and comrades in arms. I don't think we're enemies. He doesn't hate me, and neither do I. Fandral and I passed the test with barely a light scratch.**

Is he convinced of his words as he drops them.

**-It's not that aspect of the connection that worries me.** she says softly, **Loki is so much in his mind and you are so much in your heart that I don't think the seird mix would be fair. You'd just be a split, and the symbiosis would be nothing but exhausting for both of you. Don't you understand that you and Fandral are childhood friends with the same interests and values? The mixing was only superficial, you and Loki would only be mixing ink with water. I... I'm afraid one of you is gonna get hurt trying to please the other. You understand my fears, don't you Thor? Weren't you going to share the ritual with Sif in this New Year? Such a gesture would show him you're serious about your relationship.**

Thor purses his lips and looks at some distant pillar behind her to distract him from his mother's feeble attempts, he feels love and forgiveness for what she is trying to do. 

But the lure of her denying him this simple pleasure only makes his blood boil. He is convinced, in the resentment in the pit of his stomach, that she is not telling him something. She tosses food to one side to distract him from his path. She's only controlling the collateral damage before she even gives it a chance.

He sighs heavily as he realizes that convincing her won't be his mission for the day, it's just a waste of time. He now sees why Loki had sent him here, to realize the importance of his request, for the kingdom, for his family, as well as for the entrance fee of the contest.

**-Sif and I are not...** He starts slowly, looking for words to describe how he feels about the commentary. Words would be nice to appear if he knew how he felt about the situation.

He can't ignore the comment of the old lady from earlier that week.. and now the look of hope from his mother. There's this powdery glimmer of hope that he can't identify, that Sif has his parents' blessing. She's always had it, and if he admitted it to himself, it brought a lot of normalcy to a relationship that was just a convenience at best.

**-A mother like me hears the whispers of the guards about the prince spending most of his nights in a room other than his own.** She smiles as an accomplice to her son. 

Thor closes his fist, as she sits close to him but at a comfortable distance.

- **I hear your pleas, I wonder about my intentions. I cannot answer you, I am distracted by the games that are coming soon.** He answers politely to extinguish the questioning in the queen's eyes.

**-There's no rush. Take whatever time you need. I'm only teasing you because you're my pupil, you're my little boy with the heart-shaped lips. You'll get what you want in love in due time. Don't worry my boy.** she said, laying a hand on his bicep affectionately, Thor felt his heart warm just from the sight of her smile. >>

He smiled gently in response, despite the realm of thoughts that seemed to fill his skull.

.

.

.

.

  
<< **Are those exactly the words she used?** Loki asks suddenly irritated.

Thor appreciates that Loki cares about his answer and their partnership as much as he does. He doesn't seem to notice that Loki's body stretches like a bow. 

- **Unfortunately so. I couldn't convince her.** he blurts out disappointed in his own abilities.

Loki puts his hand on the table hard with a clear sound crisp.

**-No Thor. Did she really use the fact that we're brothers more than our privileged court status?**

**I need to know.**

The voice he's using is so strained that Thor is suddenly concerned.

**-Loki... We're going to figure this out, that's not going to stop us. Don't let a simple no stop you. That's never been what stopped us before.**

Loki's lips are pinching and his jaw is clenching hard.

**-Thor, brothers have participated in the competition before, sisters, twins, even cousins. Don't you remember the candidates from years past?**

The words were sharp and his tone was insulted.

**I can't believe it. That her rebuttal was this.**

**I would have accepted that we have an advantage in many stages of the competition. That I'm exempt because of the behavior that caused my comeback. Or even that she would have created a new passive-aggressive task for me to keep me too busy... But she just told you... ''No Thor, I do not want you to participate with your brother.'' It is all lies.**

**Can't you discern that?** Loki sighs heavily as he looks up at the sky. 

**She spits in our faces and calls it the first signs of rain. If she could choose any reason other than that, I would give her the benefit of the doubt. But it's all too weak. She's terrified about us being on the same team.**

Thor is watching Loki, both concerned and interested. 

There's that morbid curiosity that seems to be on the tip of his nose again. How is it that Loki was sent back here for his behaviour? What did he do? Why wasn't he informed? 

They're brothers, family. There's nothing more important than that, this kind of information can't be that confidential. Can't it? How come he hadn't heard a peep of it before today? 

**-I don't know how to feel about this, but I think we'll find a way. I want to share this time with you, we're good candidates and it's not our fault we were born princes as well as brothers.**

Loki looks up at him with a spark of malice, and a slightly open mouth. At the same time challenged by the declaration and the idea that intrudes into his mind.

**-Thor, don't you know why I have returned?** asks Loki in a tone so light that Thor is impressed that his body has adapted to his emotions so quickly.

Thor swallows and brings his beer in his lips to stall for time. Should he admit that he was ignored or forgotten in the briefing? He was no longer the kind of person who would show up at family gatherings, but when Loki returned he had been warned. They had taken the time to warn him but without explanation, he hadn't given it any suspicions before, but now that everything seemed to be connected, he didn't know who to believe. Loki seemed convinced that he knew the truth, and that he was only a hand away. 

**They didn't bring you the news.** Loki repeated, and **I thought you were just trying to save us from an embarrassment by blatantly ignoring it. Well, I'm sorry I doubted you, Thor. It seems that you are now the only one who is not ashamed of me. Perhaps they're trying to spare you the burden of sharing the secret.**

Thor growls irritated that Loki seems to be making his dialogue so long. 

He only wants the short version, the real information. 

**-Tell me. I won't judge you.**

Loki sniffs amused, almost ironically.

**-I'm not sure about that. You don't even know what's waiting for you on the other side.**

Thor crosses his arms in a defiant manner. 

**-I want to know, I'm going to find out.**

**Sooner or later.**

Loki takes a gentle breath. 

- **Believe me, later is indeed peaceful**. 

They watch each other keenly, looking for an outstretched hand, any sign of defeat.

**-Loki, tell me. I love you, I won't judge you**. ,he is saddened by the silence that builds up over the seconds and loki's stubborn behavior.

**-Win the competition with me and I'll tell you. In every detail and I'll answer every question you have.** said Loki with conviction, an ambition that even Thor can recognize as revenge.

- **We cannot even team up together, what are you going to do about it?**

- **Let me worry about details like that, win, and you'll get your answer.**

Loki replies cryptically with a mischievous smile. Thor can feel the soft hair on his spine straightening in the intensity of his gaze.

**-Frigga only wants what's good for us** , **she shows it in a clumsy way..**.

Loki slips his chin a few inches higher, to maintain some dignity. 

**-If you'd know, you'd know it's not clumsiness.**

Thor tightens his lips.

**-All right. I win, and you answer every single one of my questions. No twists of words, the plain and simple truth. I want your word.** Loki sniffs amused by the answer.

**-I can only promise you that if you promise me that we're gonna win.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayyy some of you have read this and have a little idea what the secret is.
> 
> But I hope revisiting how this secret is revealed isn't too boring, but I like what's at stake.
> 
> And for those of you who don't have a little idea, just keep following me to get the rest soon ;)
> 
> Thank you for taking the time to join me in this story, I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart! ٩(^ᴗ^)۶
> 
> -18 June 2020- 
> 
> -AD-


	15. After (15:A)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony Stark doesn't have issues with himself, only with his doctor. Who also happens to be a pain in the ass. Dashing stranger ahead, who and what has been done to Nick fury? Because this ain't painting a pretty picture, afterall.

**Trusting you is my decision.**

**Proving me right,**

**it's your choice.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

Anthony could have shot his foot before answering that kind of question.

He blamed the fact that they needed a vacation away from each other for this kind of junk argument.

Stephen needed to be right, no one else could have the same chance.

Who's wrong if not the arrogant doctor?

The guy had a ballet up his ass before he began speaking, some people are just there to observed, huh? The second he opens his mouth it's ruined. 

He snorts deeply amused at the thought. 

He admits he's upset, annoyed even. 

But the phoney repartee of his ego seemed to satisfy his desire to be right. 

He taps his index and middle fingers frantically on the Arc reactor plate glass, looking at the green and yellow field as far as the eye can see.

What did Stephen expect him to respond to this? There's nothing more grueling when the conversation of two friends only ever revolves around the same subject.

<< **Is this just a game to you? >>**

he voice echoed again and again, he could feel Howard's judgment as well as Pepper's. Now Stephen's seemed to add to this insurmountable pile. 

He had the frankness of saying he was an engineer, but it was a mountain of feelings that he couldn't overcome with any gadget.

He didn't believe that the apocalypse was going to end him, it wasn't the fear of what died that seemed to haunt his thoughts every day. 

It's what's left.

Anthony breathes in and out, every time he tries to breathe to calm it down, thoughts multiply to keep him busy. 

Strangely, the silence between the two of them knew how to calm him, or even the silence while he fixes the car alone, although he prefers the sound of a radio much more than the breeze of the moment.

He did a good job of keeping himself busy, with all his household appliances and machinations running on the same solar panel conduit, there was always enough to fill a day. 

Little chores that he considered household chores, weekly. Replacing a blown fuse, sawn wire, or even solder that breaks under the humidity and heat of the desert. All it took was a few minutes of his time, sometimes hours, spent in religious concentration. To cool the engine that runs out of control or to repair the air conditioning that has given up any chance of survival. To change the local oil or change the propane tanks for the use of the oven and the heating system built into the van.All this time spent repairing, concentrated on one thing that is very important despite its simplicity. 

There was something rewarding in the honest work of an electrician.Anthony had many regrets with humans, but almost none with machines.Stephen is so much more complicated that, Anthony couldn't find the exact source of the problem. So he is grateful that he doesn't have to spend any more time with him than he already does. 

He's thankful that they stopped for supplies at Roger's base and his team.The integration had been rapid, Stephen was going to fill the empty teacher's hole for the trainee doctors and Tony was back in the garage. That quiet, spacious garage.It consists of four sub garages for every kind of device that ancient human existence had known how to use, be it planes, helicopters, tanks and cars. Although Rogers' bike seemed to occupy a whole space, by the number of parts laying on the floor.

The poor blond man had brought any parts found during excursions to the nearest towns. Half of the pile had potential, but the kid couldn't tell the difference between the parts that weren't worth it and the ones that were. In fact, the second Rogers knew he was back at the camp, he had begged him to sort them out and set them up in exchange for the coffee offerings.Not that the one at the camp was despicable, but the one the soldier had offered was from his personal stash. 

Which meant that it had been methodically guarded for the time being. And Tony couldn't ignore the effort.Still, the garage was cozy. So did the base.The bed was bigger even though the blankets left a distant memory of his earlier Egyptian fabrics. 

Anthony couldn't lie, he hadn't put his things in the wardrobe and drawers yet. He hadn't tasted the simple pleasure of sleeping in the bed, the sofa in the third garage was perfectly decent.

His clothes were in the van that was on the repair lever of the garage.

He only entered the main building out of necessity, for the food that offers an appealing continental breakfast and sometimes good spaghetti evenings spent drinking and chatting.Their camp offered the bare necessities, it was much larger than the van but smaller than the farm field where they had lived before they decided to go in search of the murderer.

There was this obligation that sleeping elsewhere or with Stephen gave a name to what was going on. Yeah, well, he'd fallen to his knees more than once for Dr. Strange, it was that bloody loneliness and it didn't look like it could be matched with one hand.

Less effective than the surgeon's expert hands, there was no more appreciated and anticipated than experienced fingers slipping under his clothes in a bewitching silence.

During what seems to be a fantasy, Anthony is distracted by a rather intense noise.

Well, it's only intense because he wasn't expecting to hear it at that very moment.

He straightens up to get close to the end of the roof, to see the source of the noise quickly.The adrenaline attacks his heart and he feels the familiar sensation of a cracked rib throbbing in his chest.

He tries to breathe more calmly as he comes down on his stomach to watch the scene he feels is the only viewer.

The scream comes from a man, the rage of the scream reminds him of memories that he wants to push back as far as possible.

The sight of two inhabitants whose names he doesn't know, but whom he notices having weapons at hand quickly shows him that the blond man who is shouting for release has no intention of following in silence. In the chance that someone like Tony hears him or comes to his aid.

Which becomes a big dilemma because Tony knows very well that he has no jurisdiction or power influential enough to help the poor guy or just get answers to his questions from one of the soldiers. Given his lack of options, the engineer promises himself to learn about this phenomenon. It's unclear, it stinks of Nick Fury's kind of silent kidnapping tactics.Nick's dead, Coulson's dead.

There's no way someone's holding the torch to his legacy this close. Still, he's got to figure out where the underground door leads.

It's doubtful that there aren't facilities to restrain people who kill or attack anyone on the base despite the lack of laws or a judge, there's always that principle of jail that's very clear. Lock up the spring and let it starve to death, shoot the head off the dead man before he goes through the four stages of decomposition. That's it, one less criminal, or one less human being who doesn't work in a team. The people are satisfied because they no longer have to fear and the spring can't start again. Barbaric but effective, it's the three-stage apocalypse. He could no longer count the number of people who have died because of a nervous finger on the trigger of a revolver.

As he sees the bare, bleeding back of the unknown man, he quickly recognizes who was going to treat his wounds. He takes a deep breath as he realizes it involves talking with Stephen after a week of radio silence since they set foot in here.

Lucky that life before this mess had prepared him well for the lame excuses, because he's going to need it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayyy A little filler to connect the dots between some characters. I think I communicated it, but just in case :
> 
> Stephen
> 
> Tony
> 
> Loki (Bucky)
> 
> Steve
> 
> are all now on the same military base.
> 
> As well as a blond unknown.
> 
> At the same time,
> 
> Banner
> 
> Thor
> 
> Darcy
> 
> Jane
> 
> are in new mexico at the safe house.
> 
> If you're ever confused about something, don't hesitate, I realize it's clearer to me because I make the story, but I don't always see the plotholes. That's why I'm the kind of writer who loves beta readers and beta editors.
> 
> Anyway, have a good day/night, folks!
> 
> -2 July 2020- 
> 
> -AD-


	16. Before (16:B)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sif had enough and Thor's very open about it. She always seem to know what is better for them doesn't she?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right on time for this one! See you in two weeks y'all ! ( ͡ᵔ ͜ʖ ͡ᵔ )

**And in freedom, most people find sin.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

It was just a typical activity. Thor wasn't too surprised by Sif's request. 

  
A hunt had the satisfaction of bringing something to the realm he could not deny. This contribution of sweat and honest work was refreshing in the wave of complications he seems to be experiencing these days. 

The sight of Sif's body bouncing against her horse's saddle is not unpleasant either. The way her muscles tend to anticipate sudden movements and keep their course during their gallop was simply fascinating to watch. In spite of the familiar rattling of their armor, -even knowing that they had put on the bare minimum- that exposed their location.

  
It's not that Thor often found himself often observing the powerful thighs of his lover, but he had to make it a priority to look straight ahead. His horse had understood that he was only asked to follow his companion because Thor was not very clear in his direction. An amused sniff is just the prince's response as he realizes that there's not much he's decided on these days. Or the only thing he's not completely clear about is how to make up for lost time with his brother.  
He's clearly wondering if the game is worth the reward if doing this with Loki is really what his mother wants to prevent. 

  
There's something comforting to know that the Warrior Trio and Sif don't seem to know any more about what's going on with the youngest prince than he does.   
He wonders if the gossip whispered in the dustiest bar is worth listening to, just because..maybe they were right for once. 

  
The feelings that Loki had communicated were in no way false. If they were lies, Loki seemed to believe them more than anyone else. It's time to do what he thinks is best. He lacks too much information to make a choice worthy of any judgment.

  
The reflections of the suns setting in one of the hollow water-filled holes in their path seemed most wonderful. The forest had this calming effect on him, he wonders if Sif chose the place precisely for this reason. 

  
<< _You're so distracted, it's worrying Thor, how do I know you're watching my back?_

She asks him with a concern he hears even in her voice, he is delighted that she doesn't take false appearances, that she shows him her thoughts by telling him such a comment.

  
But the idea that he's too busy thinking to keep them safe goes straight to his heart. 

  
- _Don't exaggerate, I'm fit for battle, I wouldn't have accepted your offer knowing that I'm putting us all in danger. Your intention is good, your execution is weepy. What do you want to know Sif?_ he answers honestly, his tone is calm and assured so that she looks at him with absolute confidence. 

  
She purses her lips and relaxes her arm that was stretching her bow so tightly that Thor is wondering how it is that the wire still hasn't burst under the pressure.

The bow hangs freely on her hip as she breathes in. 

  
**-** _I don't recognize this side of you. I thought you would have asked me to be your partner in the harvest, I just waited for you, day after day. Do you not consider me adequate?_

  
Thor allows himself to appreciate how she doesn't attack him directly, he notes that she had exhausted much of her patience waiting for him. It was a surprising realization that she hadn't yet screamed or even ignored him to get his attention. This was more serious, it is now that Thor realizes why she lured him to a place that was comforting to both of them. 

  
**-** _I..._ start Thor so softly, stunned by the intervention of his lover, that she takes it as silence.

  
**-** _Why did I have to hear from Fandral's mouth that you traded me like a piece of meat in his hand? I don't deserve this disrespect._

_It's important for me to have your honesty, it always has been._

She says so coldly that Thor realizes that he spoke too quickly, if he thought he was out of the field with this situation, it was an abrupt thought that led him so far that he wonders how he could have thought that was the case.   
  


He gently passes his hand over the mane in front of him before sighing. 

  
**-** _It was not my intention to make you feel that way, Sif._

  
She sniffs amused in a dripping sarcasm. 

- _It never is, Thor, but the damage is done. You owe me an explanation and amends. That is, if you still care about what we mean to you._

She says so faintly in spite of her anger that Thor wants to get off his carriage and come cuddle her in a warm, loving embrace. 

He can't see a woman he loves suffering like this. 

**-** _You're right.. That's just it._ he blows a sorry look on his face, the hollow of his shoulders draws him together in shame, _I have no excuse._

She looks out to the clearing in the distance.

- _I don't know what to do anymore Thor, I love you. But you've been breaking my heart for a long time now. Long before Loki showed up._ She says seriously, so calmly that Thor asks how she can say such a thing without even feeling the urge to come closer.

The notion of Loki doesn't surprise him any more than that. The tension between Sif and Loki had always been a debate, so much so that it had started when they had only been children. Everyone had known not to touch Sif's soft hair since the incident that had started it all between the two gods.

He sometimes wonders if Loki regrets having stolen the scissors from the housekeepers. But he's aware of what's going on. He questions why remaining passive seems to be the solution for his body at the moment. Perhaps he doesn't feel the strength to fight for what he's already lost.

- _You're not wrong. I'm not sure what's going on._

He confesses so softly that he asks if Sif has heard it, she doesn't seem to show any sign that she has.

**-** _If one day you find your way back, and you're aware enough of your mistakes not to repeat them, I'll be there._ He can hear her throat closing around her words. _But I'm done waiting for you, Thor. Find yourself, but don't expect me to be free when you find that part of yourself that I love._

She lets her horse approach Thor's horse and finally puts a soft hand on his shoulder, to which Thor takes her in a gentle embrace.

Their foreheads gently unite for a few seconds. Thor can't deny the urge he feels to give her a chaste kiss, but he knows their time is over. 

He hasn't even had a chance to beat them, he knows Sif too well to try. He believes her when she says she's been waiting, so he imagines she's been waiting all her life since they met for this moment. For the moment she learns that Thor is not what she deserves. He'd like to be, would love to go down that conventional road their parents have woven for them. But the realization is painfully true as he crosses her gentle gaze despite the tension in her jaw.

The comments received from others towards their couple seemed worse for this reason. He can't drive the sadness out of his heart when he sees everything slipping away.

 **-** _I bet you I'm bringing more meat than you to the castle tonight!_ she shouts with friendly competition, one that gives Thor hope that all is not in vain.

A smile is born on the hollow of their lips, freer than ever. He throws his horse at a gallop so quickly that the landscape behind him is nothing but gravel smoke. As Sif had just done what he hadn't dared to do for years, Thor was afraid.

But the butterflies in his stomach didn't stop under that fear, they were rejoicing in the new freedom he hadn't tasted in hundreds of years.

He wondered what had given Sif the necessary boost, but he was pleasantly surprised to see her grow up.

So much so that it was his fault for not having had the chance to do it as calmly as she had. The fear of breaking her heart was gone, but he knew them both broken from that part of their childhood that ended that very day.

- _That's what we're about to find out! I'll bet you double your contribution, you'll be amazed!_ He laughed with a childish smile, despite this fantastic competition that he loves so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little filler for this off-stage scene, honestly I didn't have any difficulty doing this scene, it was almost natural. Sorry for everyone who expected less of Sif in this story. I try to respect her more than I did in some of my fictions.
> 
> Still, it's cute to imagine them galloping in the wind together like children. Good day/evening people, have fun and keep your childlike hearts ^^
> 
> -16 July 2020-
> 
> -AD-


	17. After (17:A)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane is desperate and trying to hold out hope. Bruce reminds her that her dignity is not worth it. She has a choice that they didn't. She's basically rich. Angst inducing chapter incoming! (duh!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I post this earlier on Ao3 to celebrate the fact we reached 400+ hits so soon! Thanks y'all, don't hesitate to let me know if you like what you're seeing!

**In the end, all you have to do is pick your favorite poison.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

It almost cost Jane everything to keep up appearances. To think that there's no damage would only be to deny reality, not to observe her surroundings and the simple workings of time. It's only been a week, and yet. The soft sand between her fingers is fading so quickly. But if she stayed in this branch of outspokenness, it wasn't very pleasant. She had begun to see the greyish spots on her skin, wherein a certain light she could see all the damage. Thor's shirts were always too big, but Darcy's had never been too big before now.

Before this nameless diagnosis, she only lied about harmless lies, the little white lies, the ones that didn't seem to hurt anyone. And to think she felt bad for those, before all this. They had barely prepared her for what the new lies would bring. Breathing out that she was just nauseous spared her from a conversation she had no energy for. Especially knowing that it was only a paradox of argumentation to the point of exhaustion. Not to talk about all the times her body seemed to be burning from the inside out in her stomach, just to clench her fingers and leave her knuckles white. As if the pain was being channeled into the strength of the tense muscles. It was no longer enough to feel the tingling mist of blood flowing back to the tips of her fingers. Shortness of breath as she watched Thor's distant back walking away. The sadness overflowing as she met his alarmed gaze as she fought the urge to fall into the unconscious while she still felt him within her.

  
No, keeping up appearances wasn't easy. It was a sick game, with no winners. One she could do without playing, forever. But now it was part of her everyday life. No more walking around outside without a bodyguard, now trapped in the corners of the bunker that was their home.

Jane's silent routine seems to fit well with Bruce Banner's. A man who, in retrospect, seemed the smartest and at the same time stupidest man she had ever met. It didn't take her long to discover the bodies he kept in the frozen basement room. Literally, as well as with horror, she had seen some trial and error. If she ever wanted someone to try to find a cure, she duly regretted it. She barely recognizes the sacrifices of mistakes. She knows very well that it is only people who have already died, but she cannot help but see the humanity in the smallest of things. At the sight of the room, at the man's sigh, she had decided to keep the secret to the grave. Darcy could not tolerate anything that took place underneath her feet. Already Jane had once found her speaking to the passive dead who only walk aimlessly through the streets. Jane had really found joy in the requests to go to town, but now that Darcy had taken her place, she seemed only worried all day long. No one could tell who was more worried, Jane in case Darcy never came home, or Darcy returning without her best friend to greet her with a fond hug.

Their dynamic is interesting, such that Jane only has time to learn. Thor is never very talkative, he is a man of so few words that Jane believes that every word he has ever spoken is on the same page. He always leaves every morning with the simplest of glances. That of loneliness and revenge. Since she has been studying others more closely. Jane has begun to observe their eyes more than ever. Darcy's had that tinge of hope, the one that never seems to fade despite the sadness on her face. Bruce's was just empty, the eyes of someone who does the same thing over and over again even though his hope has been dead longer than she can interpret it.

Jane recognizes that look, the one she sees every time she looks out the window at night. That of a soul lost in the idea of helping the world, at the risk of her own life. She can't help but look at this goddamned reflection. Each of the windows barricaded one by one before going to bed to wish for a better day. The hollows and folds in her face seem like reminders of what she never could accomplish. Had the world lost the one ounce of meaning it had before? Had it ever had any? It was only a short, naive, and exhausted conclusion. Unsatisfying.

  
The sound of her choice to sit down hard does not seem to register with the biologist. It's true that the view from the roof is beautiful in the sunset. There is that peace, the peace of knowing that even if this planet is lost, the rest of space is still there. It's a sweet irony that they're the very source of their own misfortune. Space itself seemed better than ever before. Their breaths and the hard rumble of the night seemed to accompany them gloomily. When the soft but deep hum of Bruce reached the hollow of her ears, she didn't seem surprised by the interruption of the silence. It seems only static in the noise of the world anyway.

<< **What keeps you on going?** Ask her voice so soft and husky, she lacks the words to simply add to it.

The man's gaze turns to her with such a sorry look that Jane felt forbidden to even look back at him. The dark circles and the grey that attacks his hair tell a story so peculiar that the curiosity in her cannot be silenced. Or at least not anytime near soon.

**-When I was nine, life at home wasn't ideal. My mother was not thin, but she was full of curves and passion, a soul as warm as Mexico. She rolled the "r "s for pure pleasure and perhaps felt guilty for scolding me.**

It begins so tenderly that Jane finds herself thinking it's a beautiful story. She only wishes she hadn't been so wrong.

**She didn't stand a chance against my father, a thoroughbred American. I only thought I was lucky when he went to work. The birds always seemed to sing louder from my window when he wasn't in the house. From that tree so green I never wondered how it ended up in our yard. I, uh--**

Bruce's face turns towards her gently to see if she is listening to him, or even understands what he is saying. She nods gently, turning in on herself to see if she's listening to this little story he seems willing to share. Her t-shirt lies humanly around her knees to keep the faint warmth it gives off. She can't help but look at the plants in the greenhouse a little further away with interest, with the hope that looking at them will allow her to get a better mental picture of the scene. She can feel the man's heavy gaze on her body, but she doesn't answer him. For fear of ruining the story, of changing the subject, of doing something wrong. Everything goes so wrong easily nowadays. He seems to swallow his own saliva before continuing. The tension of a story with a punchline only seems to be anticipatory. She realizes how little she knows about the entire lives of the people she's been around lately. Isn't that a terrifying thought? She wishes she could care, but it wasn't the kind of life they were living anymore.

They couldn't afford to care.

- **Every time he left her wounds to explain later. She seemed to speak only of _arbol de la muerte_ , which unequivocally made me more curious than ever. My Spanish is rusty, the notion of the tree had never crossed my mind too far.**

**She whispered so low that I could hardly hear her. _Dios, si mamá muere, déjala probar el árbol de la muerte._**

****

He said it in such a soft accent that she would have mistaken it for words of love.

**She said to me, in a language he never took the time to learn... To avenge her death, if he could kill her. I didn't know that one of my father's first biological projects was the tree in the yard. That's.. a story for another day. I don't know if the general at the military base I grew up in had any idea that my father was conducting experiments outside of work hours. But he would eventually find out...**

A break of a few seconds seems to convey the same impression. He slowly straightens up as he now looks up at the sky.

**A tree of death, she prayed only to the gods, but she asked me to kill my father indirectly if he succeeded in killing her. The tree in the courtyard was a manchineal tree, more common in the Caribbean but equally available in North America.  
**

The precision of the plant race seems accurate despite the sorrowful sound in his voice.

**One should not ingest its berries, they are as untraceable as they are dangerous, the death of their ingestion is simply awful.**

He breathes in softly as he closes his chair, announcing his departure from the gesture. Jane can't help wondering where he's going with this, why the long detour to talk about it at all? **  
**

**And when she really died for good, I tried it. I hated myself more for not saving her than I hated him for killing her. I didn't know I was one of his experiments, too, so I survived. I threw up and cried my life away... Jane, we weren't all created to survive. The tree with the red rag, the one with the green berries..like an apple.**

He looks vaguely at the garden shed with a dim twinkle in his eye and teary smile.

**It's the only thing I kept... it'll kill you faster than your cancer will. You wouldn't become one of them. There'd only be enough of you left to exhume.**

**Don't let your disease make you into something you're not.** >>

He blows the words so softly that she mistakes it for a cry for help.

When the roof door closes, the tears she had held in the heavy silence finally meet the air. She crosses her arms around her thin legs in an attempt to get warmth as the sunlight leaves them to bring darkness. No one had dared to talk about it yet.

She doesn't hold a grudge, she had said that she had given up looking for a way to survive. She just didn't expect him to offer her one to die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had a busy week, but I'll catch up on my chapters!  
> If ever some of you are curious, I even published a rewritten fiction on my profile ;) (Hint: Heartbeat)
> 
> Sometimes I ask myself questions from the reader's point of view to try to see if I'm still on the right track, it works pretty well!
> 
> ''Adrien, how does Jane's cancer have anything to do with Thor and Loki ending up together?''  
> (Hm, I'd say it's as much for the world as it is for a specific goal that's going to come later. Still, I like the creepy side too much to go too fast on the intro. Those who did read Trust My Rage know that I don't mind reaching 200k for a fic that I like.)
> 
> Ps: We're still in the introductory chapters of my story. It's long in tempo because most of my chapters are between 1.5-2k. That's a perfect size for me and my schedule, but I feel like they'll grow much faster when the action is about to happen. Don't lose confidence, I'm building the world slowly, but when the stakes are introduced, it's going to roll faster ^^
> 
> \- 28 July 2020-
> 
> -AD-


	18. Before (18:B)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor is quite lost about what he is supposed to do. Fandral is great, dashing but even he can't be the answer of all his questions. Drunk Thor goes to another of his friends with his worries. Finding more truth he can burden himself with. 
> 
> He is the god of Thunder, that didn't change fortunately. Has he been so obtuse on purpose all this time?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the 450+ hits! Oh and the lovely kudos, my my, I am spoiled. May you find what you're looking for. I'm just a silly french fanboy learning how to write properly. Hi from Canada y'all!

**You only need to believe in yourself during the storm.**

**.**

**.**

.

Thor crossed Fandral with his eyes without much difficulty.  
He feels at ease to bring such a subject to his tender friend, but he cannot prevent this vile curiosity from overwhelming him. 

A warm hand grabbing the shoulder of his teammate from behind, Thor is surprised by the effectiveness of his face to communicate for his conquest to leave them alone. Fandral brings a vindictive pout to their exchanges, but he doesn't complain. The prince is most delighted, Fandral has a tendency to dramatize with ease. 

** <<What do you want, my friend? It's not like you to change my plans for the evening, I hope you have a good reason for accosting me like this.   
**

he squeaks mockingly, **  
**

Thor does not give more thought than necessary, he knows him too well to think he is not welcome. If anything, the mustache guy loves a challenge.

- **I need to ask you something, it's about--**

Start it to get it cut quickly, 

- **Sif? If you are wondering why I was the messenger, I have the nasty urge to tell you that a sharp sword met the thin layer of sweat on my throat before I could even argue. What's furthermore, you had all the time you needed to tell her about it yourself. She was just asking for it, I'm trying to pick up the broken pots, you see.**

Monologue his dear friend with a tongue-in-cheek that Thor simply can't help but ignore. 

He shakes his confused head at the rapidity of his childhood friend's mouth. 

**-No, no, I'm aware of that, I was going to say Loki. I have a question about Loki. As well as the harvest.** He repeats it more clearly, 

Fandral arches an eyebrow at the mention of his brother. 

**-Haven't you already asked your question? But let's go, I'm listening Thor.**

Thor straightens up and then slips onto a bench, followed by Fandral who takes the one in parallel to observe him. **  
**

- **Loki swears that people of the same blood have already shared the harvest, as well as couples. But Mother tells me it's a bad idea. I only want to ask Loki's opinion as a last resort. I don't think I'll bring this matter to father either. What do you think?**

Fandral uses his index finger and thumb to gently curl the tip of his goatee. A gesture so comforting in its meaning, his brother-in-arms seems to be thinking carefully.

- **Hogun is a better man for the job. Considering that he has already fought in the harvest with one of his lovers.** He begins quickly, without even looking more than his glass on the table.

**I would advise you to go and ask for the book of the collections of old competitions. The poetic souls of the past have always found space to write down their observations during those times. But I can well say that if the Queen has reasons to disagree with your idea, there must be a good reason. I don't remember her requests not being fair and equitable in the past. It is indeed a bad idea to drink the bowl of aphrodisiac before the ball as we did.**

He pinches his lips while Thor looks at him perplexed.

**She only wants your good, yours, and Loki's. I think this is just one of her attempts to protect you, with little white lies.**

Thor sighs in a knowing look.

**-White lies are only good for children.**

**But...Thank you, my friend, you are right.**

He sighs as he slaps his palm on the table, hastily. **I'm going immediately.** >>

Fandral lets a small laugh overwhelm him with the childish excitement offered by his brother-in-arms as he watches him leave the pub quickly. The mischievous giggle of his conquest as she lands on his thighs seems only the most enchanting thing, as well as promising.

.

.

.

Granted, he doubted that knocking on the door of Hogun's temporary home would cause him any trouble. Knowing that the landlord loved him as much as butter, Thor didn't worry about it for too long.

The many ciders and beers only heightened his joy as he saw his teammate's thin, square, irritated face. A roar of joy reaches his throat as the sheet covering the window is pushed back again, the face disappearing as quickly as it had appeared. Thor can't help but whistle his laughter as he marvels at the realization that he thought he saw a shooting star. He sits hard against the courtesy bench, the one cold against his naked arms. He appreciates the freshness of it as he waits for some sign of life from his friend. He observes the dark night as Hogun sits at his right. Silent as ever, Thor cannot hold back his enthusiasm.

<< **How beautiful, from your mountain, I can see the stars and the kingdom in the same look. How beautiful it is, my dear Hogun**.

He said with an air so impressed that Hogun arched an eyebrow. 

**-I hope you have a good reason for coming and knocking so hard at my door at this hour.**

Declares the dark voice of the warrior, if Thor were to wear his ear, he might even hear the breathlessness of his later activity. 

**-I didn't wake you up, didn't I?** he says with a small fat laugh, he looks down at the man and allows himself to observe him. 

This hair was untied, for once. Thor couldn't help thinking that it looked good on him, it had a mysterious halo on his face and his tern look.

He wouldn't say it out loud, lest the man thinks he was teasing him.

He could see that Hogun had simply put on comfortable cotton pants, bare feet against the grass, and Thor wondered if the sensation was appreciable. 

**-No, not yet. But you were very close**. He answers so softly that Thor wonders if he will manage not to be distracted by the silence. 

Thor takes a deep breath. 

**-I need your advice and support**. He said, letting go of the weight of his shoulders hard, the exhalation that accompanies it. He has to admit that it helps him to continue this line of discussion. 

He is very close to Hogun, as much as he is to the trio, as well as to Sif. But he cannot help but realize that he has never been the most curious about Hogun's past. A piece here and there, the man was of few words. Despite his enthusiasm for the battle and his loyalty, Thor knows that asking is not always the right thing to do, especially if the person in question doesn't seem very talkative. He could always count on him to accompany him into battle, to have his blind spots, and to keep him alive on cold nights.

Thor realizes that he knows very little about his friend. 

- **On what subject?** Nods his head in search of a conclusion. 

Thor clears his throat hard, before looking at the view. 

**-On the bond of souls in the harvest. The effects of a couple of people of the same family as they are partnered.** He says more soberly than he felt. 

Hogun hum tenderly to the reflection of his request. 

**-What do you want to know? You have tried the harvest with Fandral, as well as Sif before. You have experienced their effects**. He says softly, searching for his purpose, 

Thor inhales.

Hogun is not wrong that he felt what was happening during these trials. But he doesn't know the reason, the functioning of this ordeal. How could he? He had never asked, and no one had taken the chance to try to explain it to him.

Thor recognizes this as his dense nature, so he doesn't blame others for simplifying what they want to say in order to talk to him. But he wonders at all the details that he has missed by asking for such a thing from others, all for what he realizes is cowardice.

**-Yes, but** **Sif** **and I were not...intimate during this time. We were just beginning to take an interest in someone other than ourselves**. He says honestly, slightly confused,

Hogun hum again, this time the tone is revealing, slightly indecisive. 

- **What do you think you've opened up your interest in Sif after all this time spent ignoring that she had any feelings for you?**

He asks courteously, so politely that Thor feels the sentence like a punch in the stomach. 

He squeaks harshly at the realization.

**-My love for Sif is unconditional, it's real.**

Hogun nods his head with a little sound of approval. 

- **Aye Thor, of course, it is. So is the notion of platonic love you have for Fandral. The fusion of souls either welds what already exists or destroys it from scratch. Thankfully, you've never known the other side of that coin.**

Thor runs his hands over his own face in this awful revelation. 

One that doesn't stop worrying him. He doubted that the bond of souls brought him closer to the people with whom he shared this moment. But he didn't think it had an eternal impact.

Did he believe in them so strongly that he had no doubt that they would weld together for the better?

Thor was flattered by this, but he was scared.

The stakes were so clear that he had probably never listened before now. He can't even imagine what would have happened if life had decided to show him the other side of that medal. Would he ever have known such a true love for Sif? Maybe the attraction would have found its way. But Thor is forever connected to his first love, Sif. Oh, and Fandral, and to say that he didn't understand his need for a womanizer before all this, he realizes that all his doubts and judgments about the blonde had disappeared with time. Was this part of what the event had planned for him? 

What would it choose for his future with Loki? Are the stakes worth it? 

Hogun takes his eyes off him to observe the city in the darkness of the night. 

**-I don't have any information on the side effects of a bad exchange. But I hope you find what you are looking for, my friend.** Continue the man in a gentle and respectful tone, with his hands on his own thighs. 

Thor finally exhales.

-I **'m looking for a lot these days. I am lost, I thought I wanted the throne, but for some time now...I feel heavy. Ignored, forgotten. People no longer shout my name with glory, I am stagnant Hogun. I need this victory.** He answers more honestly than ever, 

Hogun's face remains sober, without any judgment that Thor sees. 

- **Victory is bitter if you win it only for glory. It will be one of the hundreds of others that you have defeated before. Which you now take for granted so easily.**

He begins tenderly so as not to shatter his ego.

**Never win the harvest to win, win it to learn about yourself and your teammate. That's what it's all about. To make friendships, romances, and emotions where they were made before. The harvest is just a game, the trials of the challenges, but the relationships and trust that create those moments...It is as real as you and me. Priceless.**

Thor bends his body gently as his head reaches the shoulder of the Vanir. 

**-Such beautiful words, you have the soul of a poet.** Laughs Thor, he slightly amused but impressed.

Hogun sniffs amidst amusement, not very impressed by the drunken prince's repartee.

**-Isn't that also why you need me so much? Your world is of raw weapons, even denser people and bitter beers. The world is very cold for those who laugh whilst looking for feedback in the crowd.  
**

He then says that as he lets Thor find the hollow of his thighs to lie on, a hand approaches the golden hair so close that Thor grunts as it turns over his shoulder. 

**-I'm still too dumb for that kind of cocktail of words,** he regurgitates with a single snort,

Hogun's gentle, shy little laugh gives a lazy smile to the youngest, inspired by this discussion, he seems full of thoughts.

A harsh knock from inside his home resounds.

Hogun tenses slightly. 

- **Do you have company?** the blond asks naively.

Hogun looks down on Thor's face. 

**-I'm not very warm in the pillow talk moment, whether you bothered us or not...Only for you, Prince Thor.** declares the man's mocking tone of voice to make up for his honest comment. 

Thor laughs for a few seconds as Hogun signals him to get out of the way. 

Which he decides to do without getting too upset, fortunately.

 **-I have a good chance of sleeping under the stars thanks to you, I can't wait to get home. You should do the same.** Add the tongue-in-cheek warrior. 

Thor puts himself back where his friend sat, spreading out his body length on the bench to make himself comfortable.

**-And don't fall asleep with that view? Oh Norns, I would never dare to find the comfort of my bed when this really cozy bench is all I need.**

Hogun sniffs amused again. He reaches the door, his hand around the handle.

**-I think it's going to rain, go back to your quarters Thor,**

He says in a fatherly tone. 

Thor grunts followed by a small fat laugh.

**-I...I am the rain Hogun! I am free to do what I want when I want**. Roars the mighty prince hammering the sky with his fist. 

- **Of course, Prince Thor.** he deigns to reply amused, >>

Hogun allows a smile to appear on his face as he closes the door behind him.

Thor looks up at the sky, looking for answers, for what might tell him what to do.

Minutes later, the rain finds its way onto his face. His snoring is an uninterrupted nuisance from darkness to dawn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being late, but to make up for it, there's like three other fanfic with this one my profile one. Around 10k each already (✿╹◡╹) OOps. 
> 
> Coming in with the schedule now tho. 
> 
> Exposition, exposition...I tried to make it the more sympathetic i could despite the fact that this chapter is an info-dump. 
> 
> I take full responsibility if the Hogun I wrote differs from your idea of the MCU, knowing that the comic book one is hyper pessimistic and big-hearted.
> 
> (I've learned that in the MCU they've decided he's a Vanir, but in the comics he's just not asgardian, people learn things every day huh.)
> 
> I like the idea of the trio being balanced aka that the strengths of some are the weaknesses of others to make a great team. (Ha!)
> 
> Having Loki/Bruce with Heartbeat helps me to get out of Thorki a little bit and diversify it's quite refreshing and nice. Bruce and Thor come out of the different aspects of Loki, it's fascinating.
> 
> Can't even talk of a Doom patrol fanfic I'm also pursuing. But that is also pretty fun.
> 
> In short, enough of my junk.
> 
> See you soon!
> 
> -August 29, 2020-
> 
> -AD-


	19. After (19:B)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony decides to investigate, but first he really should go into bed. 
> 
> Loki gets a revealing visit, one that with some hindsights, manages to bring in doubts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying to keep up with the french version of this fiction. I'm back on track baby!  
> 500 hits, damn y'all I'mma be about to blush!

**We aim for the head and reach the heart.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

Anthony slipped a foot into the new bed. In truth, he had no argument that he had any right to join the warm body of the surgeon. The thickness of his pillow only taunted him and tapped his nerves, he pulled it out to pull it further in a sustained sigh.  
The gesture seems so brutal that it seems to change the sound of the soft snoring of the sleeping person. Anthony swears with every language he knows in his skull. Two dark orbs are now bright and shining in the soft light of the night. He bites his lip as the younger one speaks in his hoarse voice.

<< **You lasted longer than I thought. Tell me, what made you come back?**

Anthony grumbles harshly at the accusations, especially so quickly since his return. **  
**

- **I need a reason to come see you? Who do you think you are, royalty?**

Stephen's amused little smile only feeds the engineer's repartee. **  
**

**No but seriously...Well ok, your hands are divine and sometimes your tongue. But it stops there.**

The little laugh that only looks like a snickering makes a wonderful spectator for him. **  
**

His lover's repartee was not the sharpest when he woke up. To his advantage, Anthony had several hours on his clock.

**-Shut up Tony**

Strange so elegantly delivers.

He sneers hard as he approaches under the blanket, now pushing the weight of his body over his right shoulder.

 **-Do you want my answer or do you want me to shut up? You're not making sense princess.** Retort Tony tactfully,

The doctor grunts in frustration, his face digging into his pillow.

- **You know what to do. Otherwise, you go back to the garage.** Declares the voice muffled in the fabric.

Anthony breathes in and slips a hand over Stephen's shoulder blade. The skin is warm and soft, he can feel the movement of the muscles under his touch.

- **Wouldn't you rather I shut up around your dick?** He says with a naughty stare.

The laughter he hears almost hurts him directly in his ego.

Scratch that, he is now ruined.

 **-Nice try, spit it out Stark. Then we'll see whose mouth is doing what.** Sustains the man so close to his face, taunting him like hell.

Anthony swallows with a knowing look.

He sighs and gives up with the thought of the man's strong thighs against his hips.

 **-Did you just transfer a blond guy with medium-length hair, ugly battle scars, and a mustache who desperately needs help with a Scandinavian accent to the ER?** he asks with a hesitant pause. 

- **Tony, what are you getting into again?** sighed the voice of the man who now sounded more exhausted than ever. >>

.

.

.

The car ride with Steven had been in comfortable silence. Something they learned to appreciate in the bad omen of the apocalypse. The infiltration felt only usual, Loki knew very well that it was the same result every time. These people had not known the soldier of winter, it suited him perfectly. The military base was just a playground, the one that was full of people broken enough to understand him. James was just Steven's ghost, the role was only for one viewer. For those who knew the captain, they had never seen more than a few pictures of him anyway. Although the widow and the captain were the only things at stake. This arrangement suited him perfectly, it involved the warmth of a body every night and the comfort of food and alcohol. The security of not having to protect himself from other strangers. Even though his lack of trust in humanity did not allow him to not hold a few knives on his body at all times. Loki could let his hands slide longer on the captain's waist, on his shoulder. 

This unspoken permission he could not help but use. All he had to do was slip a few unorthodox words into the hollow of his ear to make him change his position when he made his salacious remarks. He found comfort in the challenge of making the blond blush. Each play and situation was a lot of fun. Having permission to get the blonde's body for any of his desires was as different from his other relationships.

It is not that of a shameful little secret. He never wants to be someone's dirty secret ever again. Whereas Th-He hadn't had the pleasure of feeling this vile sensation of being the most perverse thing in the room before on earth. Luckily for the captain, Loki had only the pleasure of having experienced the greatest of orgies, the most complex of climaxes. His mouth as well as his words proved to be most expert so that his tongue finds the place where it is most useful quite often. Steve's abused lips being one of the most beautiful views of his new life. 

Loki would know it to be a lie to say that their pact of silence isn't the most profitable. The unsaid filled the silence in the most wonderful way. Loki found it to be routine, he doesn't consider himself very regular by nature. But the warmth of the bed and the freedom of his kisses was bewitching.

He could almost fall for the soldier if he allowed himself to be weak and responsible for this boundless relationship. It took only two days before his pleasure became a distraction. But it seems that the mouth of a determined redhead could change plans very quickly. All it takes is one little lie. He couldn't tell which one. So much so that she had an advantage over him from the start.

  
Loki had this creeping theory that every one of his pleasures is accompanied by a dull pain. The one that doesn't make him enjoy the good times enough not to be disappointed by the pain waiting for him on the other side.   
Loki's back, which still bore the subterfuge, had met the concrete wall quite violently as she approached him. He was about to taste that dull pain full of doubts. He was convinced he could feel her tune. Natasha had suggested something in his ear. Something that he had soon been able to hear. It was lingering under the whispers of his own thoughts.

< **< I know who you are.   
**

The words had been tactfully placed in the hollow of his ear. Loki knew better than to be a follower of this sham. **  
**

**-That's what you seem to be assuming.  
**

He replied with a confident grin, the woman's warm breath slipped against his jaw. **  
**

She arched an eyebrow. The game seems to start quickly, the hand that comes to grip his appendage is bossy, but as he grunts, she doesn't pull it off.

**-Don't you remember me, James?  
**

She asks hopefully, something that Loki can only feel. She knows the character... He allows himself to breathe again with relief. **  
**

He can only improvise, the closeness tells him that it is more serious than a simple friendship.

**-You know what they say about before.**

He blows with dramatic flair, she snorts amused. **  
**

She clenches her jaw with a piercing look. Loki does not refrain from raising his hips against her hand.

 **-Your Russian is rusty my dear friend.** >>

she says quickly before retiring, dissatisfied with her investigation.

Straight back and narrow stare, it is written all over her body. 

Loki arched his eyebrows at the remark.  
Although the first comment had missed his breath. 

This one made him jump a heartbeat.

Had he spoken in Russian? In the woman's language?

He had only learned to speak English and Latin on his own. The Omni-language had made learning difficult, he thanked himself for having learned the languages before he landed on earth. They had been a great help now that he had lost the ability to understand all languages. But as he watched the interesting woman walking in the distance, he was surprised to be stunned. Although he had been able to find a way through a life that was not his own. 

Had he really spoken Russian, or was she playing a dangerous game? 

She looked too annoyed to be playing games, her hands as fists. 

For once, Loki was more scared than ever.

Not knowing that these powers were only borrowed from others. Omni-language was the gift of a king and a queen, an honor that crosses kingdoms. Loki had lost this right, he had never seen it again. The time was so far away and he thought he was worse off than before. Why should he deserve this privilege again? Is this just a cruel mistake?

Loki didn't have the heart to think about it.

He had crossed the threshold of being worthy. He felt the pain of simply thinking about the past. He could almost wonder if Thor had finally died. He still doesn't know whether he is ecstatic or terrified of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my, what's this attempt at plot? 
> 
> -1st September 2020-
> 
> -AD-


	20. Before (20:A)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor and Loki shares a frustrating yet endearing conversation. The roles feels reversed but Thor doesn't let that get to him, does he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Home Sweet Home. (✿╹◡╹)

**Unfortunately, the only one way to love someone...** **is to keep a certain distance.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

Thor would like to warn anyone that he has an opinion. That he does know what to do without having to go all the way to the village to get his answers.

But since Loki's return, he often finds himself without words. Although he thought Loki was bluffing when he said he had changed, he didn't see the sign of the opposite. He reassures himself that he will do better in the harvest, in the trials. That is, if they get to that stage. 

The idea itself was becoming more and more dangerous as he made his discoveries. He wondered if Loki had indeed chosen not to mention this part. He doesn't think he was so clumsy as to forget it. Even Frigga had been able to translate to him the idea that the tests could be dangerous. He does not confirm that the metaphor "ink in water" was the clearest or most accurate...But she had tried to condense it into a sentence to inform him and it was enough for Thor to realize that it is not as black and white as he previously thought.

He doesn't often find himself in the library. That is a shame.

It is an interesting thing to explore the biographies of great warriors who died of extraordinary causes. He alternates his reading with those of former participants. Since he was born, it is strange that there are so few entries. But before his age, which was quite impressive by itself, there were hundreds of written papers.He is even surprised to be interested, although he admits that the section he has chosen is captivating because he can identify with the warrior who scratched the paper with his words.

A man of simple pleasures, loud laughter and strong love.

He is only the most disappointed to realize that the god's work is incomplete. Several intact and empty pages out of ink almost irritates him. For once he was not reading out of obligation.

<< **It's a very interesting sight**. declares Loki's voice behind him.

Thor grunts harshly at his impromptu appearance.

- **It's not completely unusual.**

He mumbles the words under his breath.

Loki sniffs amused, Thor can feel his face close to his own as he observes what he is reading.The blond man inhales as he notices the tiredness in Loki's eyes. One that stands out from the slow blinking and pronounced eyebrow movements.

 **-How would I know? I wasn't there.** He drops out so casually that Thor finds himself thinking that something is wrong.

Loki walks around his body and around the table to put his palms against the table. He throws his weight into the movement while he remains very quiet.  
Their eyes meet so seriously that Thor allows himself to observe Loki more and more.

Hair in a knot, light clothes, without any mark of belonging to Asgard or even their families. No green, or red, only black and gray. The tunic he wears does not conform to the shape of his body as leather usually does.

- **Good point.** He breathes perplexed, Loki seems to be painting a story that brings Thor to some confusion.Loki looks down at a book and turns the pages gently. Thor can't get back to his reading with Loki so close. He puts a loose piece of paper on the page he had started before closing his book.

- **Can I help you with anything, Loki?**

He asks in an innocent, slightly amused tone.

- **Excuse me?** Loki careful gives a nod as he is raising his head, 

he seems to be out of his mind.

Thor is wondering what kind of activity is behind this outfit. Loki accessorizes, he uses several materials, he has a fashion sense that Thor enjoys seeing. Tonight...Not really.

**-You're the one who came here, to see me.**

He seems to be in control of the conversation, Loki just seems to follow without any purpose. And it's not like him, Thor can't figure out if it's a game or Loki is really so distracted.

**-Do I need a reason to come to you? Especially in the library?** He replies tactfully.

The question seems naive and simple...

- **But you're the one who initiated the conversation**. He adds with a little protest that he has to take the words from his brother's mouth.

Loki seems to notice his tune and sits down with interest.

**-Are you all right Thor? You seem somewhat distressed.**

Thor grunts and looks away.

**-Does this discussion have any purpose, Loki?** he said, running out of patience in the long silence.

Loki frowns and scratches his chair's arm to remove the treated stain from the wood. The gesture is either nervous or frustrated, Thor does not dare to assume.

**-Not every conversation has a purpose, Thor.**

The repartee is ridiculous but the dark man throws it with such a nonchalant air that Thor raises his gaze to the sky.

- **Are you trying to make me angry?** he asks with an exhalation, despite what he says, he tries not to let this poor scene get to him.

He's not that busy, he can always borrow the book and finish it in his room, on his balcony. Although he had to clean his armor tonight, he could change his activity in between while it dries.

- **Why would I do that here? But if you ask, do I make you angry?** Ask his brother cautiously.

Thor slides the book into his lap, taking it off the table indefinitely.

He looks at Loki, who seems relaxed and confused.

- **Loki.** He says in a warning tone.

An amusing twist is created on his mouth. Thor can do no more than observe Loki laughing at him with his face.

- **Thor.** He emulates his tone.

Thor breathes in hard, this time he pulls himself up against the chair. With his back straight, he decides to take advantage of this silence and the situation in a single moment.

- **Don't you have anything to say to me?** **Then I will speak.** \--

**You just did, my friend.** Cut Loki even more entertained,

Thor closes his eyes under the wave of frustration.

**-Let's talk. We have this free time, so let's talk**.

He initiates the conversation gently.

**\- I was under the impression that we were already talking, but please go ahead.** **I'm listening carefully.** Declares Loki with a small smile that he no longer hides.

Thor puts his hand on the table.

- **May I suggest that you still haven't told me what your plan is to enter the contest.**

Loki inspires and watches the book aisles with vague interest.

 **-You can, but I take the liberty of not answering you. An offer can always be refused.** He says with certain professionalism that Thor recognizes as bluffing.

Thor smiles at the sign that he managed to read about Loki. The game is just beginning then.

**-Do you have one? Are you going to tell me?** He continues, **Isn't it the purpose of a team to share the steps of the plan?**

Loki shrugs his shoulders in a selfless movement.

**-Yes, it is.** he answers vaguely,

**-You answered which of my questions.**

Thor purses his lips in silence.

Loki turns his head to cross his gaze, the silence grows with each passing second.

He seems to choose if he wants to share his answer, Thor feels convinced that he wants to reach his new goal.

**-All of them. Do you have others?** he says tenderly,

Thor arches an eyebrow at his repartee, but he doesn't let himself be fooled. Not yet, he likes to make this game last longer.

**-Yes, several. Are you interested in talking to me?**

He knows he repeats it, it almost frustrates him to have to repeat it so often. But he's sure that Loki will catch him with his words again if he's not careful.

In fact, the discussion feels more and more like a test.

**-I thought this was already established.**

Thor nods his head gently, fueled by his frustration to better concentrate.

**-Why did you agree to do this with me, the harvest. Knowing that it could be dangerous?** he asks curiously.

Loki pouting intrigued by the conversation.

**-Each of our adventures is dangerous Thor.**

Thor realizes he's right, but he doesn't let that statement get him down.

- **Why take the risk? You wanted to teach me things, is teaming up for the harvest against mother's and father's wishes part of the lesson?**

He's almost delighted that Loki seems to be just there to bounce back from his questions. Each of his reactions helps him to understand more about what's going on, even though Loki's body is a puzzle in itself. Not to mention his cryptic reactions.

**-You're the one who invited me, don't you remember?**

Thor closes his mouth for a moment.

He is stunned at the reply, although he knows it, he hadn't considered that Loki wouldn't have asked him if it was only because he asked.

- **Maybe...Maybe you were waiting for me to do it.**

He doesn't know why he's trying to prove this point to Loki, but he goes on. Too intrigued to know the follow-up.

**-Please, I'm not Sif. I know how to ask for the things I want** , he says almost insulted.

Thor bends over gently, sliding his arms against the table. Focused on that kind of...questioning he seems to get. He tries to savor every second of it. It's hard to tell if Loki is lying with such honesty.

**-So why didn't you ask me to be your partner?**

Loki puts his chin in his hand, his elbow against the chair arm. Slightly annoyed by the rhythm of the conversation, or at least that's what he seems to be communicating with his body.

**-Aren't you usually going to do the harvest with your precious crew?**

The question seems to leave more doubt than answers, but Thor doesn't push any further.

- **What do you want to teach me, Loki?** he simply says.

Loki licks his lips gently as he seems to think about his answer.

- **The list is long, the tea spell was only a pale beginning.**

Thor frowns hard.

- **Only magic?** he says with conviction.

Loki sniffs amused.

**-This sentence does not exist, even magic is not only magic.**

Thor crosses his hands together as he interprets the answer in his head.

**-Why do you think you can teach me things and not the other way around?**

Loki smiles in a feline way, amused by his question.

**-Why can't you? I've been away for a while and you seem to be in the same place I left you. What do you think Thor, can you teach me something?**

he says with a bold little smile, one that seems to light Thor up even more beautifully.

Although the answer has reached one of his doubts, one of his fears, he tries not to show it with his face.

**-It's arrogant of you to think otherwise.** He says simply not to step on his own words.

- **That's good. I'm arrogant, don't expect anything less.** Let go of Loki with complicity.

Thor is amused by the reaction, a smile on his lips.

**-At last, a real answer.** he says with a small dashing smile.

Loki laughs softly.

- **That's what you think. But I don't blame you, you still have a lot to learn.**

Thor grunts even if their exchange is more friendly than angry.

- **As you seem so eagerly happy to repeat, yes.**

Loki tilts his head to the right and takes his chin out of his hand.

Thor misses a beat when Loki's hand gently drops on the table. So close to his own.

**-Are you ready to forget everything you think you know about your little bubble, Prince Thor?**

Loki's audacity and affront seem so real, so true that Thor feels like Loki is convinced of his words. That he believes them and is really trying to open his eyes to something. Although it's not clear what yet.

He observes Loki for a few seconds and realizes that he is not as frustrated as he was at the beginning of their conversation. That he feels like he has had some answers even though he would like so much more. Although Loki gives them in small doses.

He breathes in hard. Loki's smile and look is so intense that he doesn't want to leave him. He feels the competition reaching him, he doesn't want to be the one who left his eyes first.

Loki laughs softly, a fresh and intelligible laugh.

Thor is surprised to have enjoyed this strange visit from Loki. Although the god convinced him that this moment had no purpose, Thor was not so sure. He had the impression that something went right. That he has passed this little test, this little pun. And honestly, this thought impressed him. Loki always left him confused, but it seems that Loki had given just enough so that he could follow without feeling insulted indefinitely.

He can't tell if it's voluntary, but he feels pride growing in his chest. Loki's laughter and smile seem to only keep the fire in his heart burning unceasingly.

**-Open your way to me, for I will follow you**. >>

Although he has done this before, Thor knows not to follow this decision blindly.

If the game had a new name, new rules, he would be able to learn every word of it. And that, with the pleasure of being able to follow the god and smile at him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyy I'm catching up, the last few weeks have been eventful!
> 
> I like this scene, I haven't found the exact reason yet but I like it.
> 
> I seem to do a lot of pre-harvest chatter, but I try to make it fun even though it's mostly exposure.
> 
> Anyway, enough of my blah blah.
> 
> See you next time!
> 
> -September 8 , 2020-  
> -AD-


	21. After (21:B)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It takes a lot of gut to ask the big question. But Jane does oh-so willingly. Bruce shares his doubts.
> 
> Darcy asks something else, Thor is rather conflicted about his lack of answers. Maybe he really should learn how to listen.
> 
> Maybe..Just maybe Thor actually knows more than he lets on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M LATE. But I didn't forget. Life is a mess, but this fic is not over. Thanks for all the kudos that kept appearing in my inbox every week. It really helped me get over things quicker, and go back to this weird thing that is this fanfiction.  
> This feels like a fever dream after watching The Walking Dead and Marvel. Yep. Totally their lovechild.
> 
> Fuck it, THORKI.

**A different language is a different vision of life.**

.

.

.

<< **Is there any chance that the cure exists or are we too eager for stories and legends?**

Jane didn't dare to say these words in the first place. Not with everything that was going on in her life. Although hope is dwindling, she clings to it like a lifeline. Even if she has to die, why did the whole world have to go down with her? 

She was never the suicidal type, no, death was not any better.   
Although the idea of silence and peace is wonderful between two exhausted sighs. She knows she has no idea what death has prepared for her. The dead bodies outside are still alive, enough to need to eat and walk. But it's not enough. Although the reason for living is biased for everyone. She likes to have a positive opinion about it, same goes for the distinction between her body, perhaps even with her time left. It's hard not to compare to what's happening outside.

All she does is wear clothes, have emotions, and make choices. But she is nothing but a wreck. The grief of her past life had never hit her more than it does now. 

  
She can no longer feel what it means to walk down the street and meet people, smile. That the biggest problem of most of the world is capitalism. The famine is only increasing. She cannot say what hurts her more. The end of her dreams and ambitions, or the acceptance that she will die in the near future. She will never again know what it is like not to be afraid every day of getting caught. To be tortured by life's stupid problems. 

She hasn't asked herself about a cure since she found out about her cancer. She knows that feeling bad about this lost time, about her many months of thinking only about her condition makes her selfish. But she doesn't have the heart to blame herself any longer. She is very tired, resentment and regrets are not on the priority list in her battles to live one more day. Maybe that's why she's asking for it today.  
Because she is going to die, but the world does not deserve to go down with her.

The world still has potential, as long as there are people to occupy it. 

- **I don't know where to start. But I can bring you into my current theories. I don't think you're going to like them.** Answer Dr. Banner softly. 

- **I don't like a lot of things, that doesn't make them any less of them true. Don't spare me, I'm going to die anyway.**  
  
Bruce puts his hand on the desk with a look darker than this world.

- **I think Thor knows more about the cause of this apocalypse than he claims. I've never believed in magic before. But the corpses are not human. Or at least not entirely. I've seen it.**

He says directly. She feels her breath hitch.>>

.

.

.

-

.

.

.

  
It is with some tact that Thor realizes that Darcy is very different from Jane. Although their arrival is still a few months recent. 

  
He has had the displeasure of sharing time with both women. Jane...was a different matter altogether. Thor was convinced that Bruce was right. That he shouldn't get attached to a corpse. But Jane's warmth and hope was most comforting. Much more than he would admit to her. Jane isn't a great listener, but she tries. Thor gets frustrated with himself, so he stops trying. Although he has lived on this land for a some time, Midgard still has a lot to teach him. He just doesn't want to listen to it. But as time goes by, alcohol becomes scarce in the valley.

He would not wish to have to live without it. Not with the knowledge that he is surrounded by people.   
He doesn't consider himself anti-social. But people can't be disappointed if they don't know what he can offer them. That's why Jane and Darcy are so different. Jane talks, in a world that is just like them. A world where he never has to answer her because she speaks for him. She seems to guess on the nights when he is lonely. What to say when she seems about to faint, he has nothing more to say. If she says not to worry, worry he will not bother with.

She's not right or wrong, but she's telling him straight like it is.

Darcy was a different kind of beast. 

  
A creature of confusion, who spoke only for the sake of speaking.   
Thor can't imagine how many times he felt his chest pinching.  
In this urge to tell her how wrong she is, or to tell her to shut up. 

She reminds him of children who talk without understanding the weight of their words.   
He doesn't know if it's a good thing or if Jane is encouraging him to shut up.   
Darcy encourages him to talk with anger or frustration.  
Bruce was none of those things. He's not very talkative either, the bare necessities of life. Although he is seduced by the idea of his stories.  
Sharing stories at night, in the same bed. The warmth of the other one against his chest. He misses this vulnerable moment. Now that Jane occupies his bed, Bruce has never decided to join them. 

The thought that he would never do it again haunts him.  
He can't say if that's why he decided to answer to Darcy today.   
He knows very well that she is used to his silence. But he understands her nervousness about having to talk to cover for him. Although she doesn't show it much, Darcy is very smart. 

He doesn't know if it's because she was born human, or just a personality trait? But she seems to make connections quickly. She learns quickly, so Thor doesn't have to repeat himself.

<< **You know, before I was Jane's assistant. When I was a teenager I went to take care of kids who had trouble learning English. Don't ask, it just looked better on my resume.**

Thor didn't give too much attention to the monologue while he was driving. His face straight, looking at the scenery. Part of him doesn't want to know the end of the story. Although he's probably going to hear it whether he wants to or not.

**Some boys were just too upset to want to learn. Some children had trouble at home that took their attention. But there were those who had a really big problem with words. Often immigrants, because starting to learn a new language again...It's just a lot. Even I only know one.**

Thor frowns.  
  
**Are you learning English too? I've noticed that Bruce corrects your grammar sometimes. That and your behavior. I know it's none of my business. But I wanted you to know that I see you, and I'm proud of you.**

Thor grunts as she finishes her sentence. Why had she started talking again already? Nothing was keeping her quiet, was it? Should he show her not to do this in a more convincing way?   
Thor knows very well that he could ignore this compliment. But he can count the number of times he's received one since he's been...up there.

  
This simple compliment makes him feel like a villain. 

  
It's not Darcy's fault that she hasn't met the god.  
She just ran into Thor now...Thor appreciates the idea that he would have loved to talk to her before. Just the idea of comparing himself to his current self takes his breath away. 

He's not a liar, he never has been. He finds pride in that fact. _Although he has so little pride nowadays._

  
**-Yes...** He says so softly, his voice is hoarse, dry. **Thank you.**

Darcy lets a little sound of joy come out of her throat. Thor has a wave of pride in his chest. There's no doubt it's the cause of her reaction. 

- **Do you always understand what I'm saying, or do you play pretend when you don't?** Darcy says excitedly, she tries to stay calm and Thor sniffs. These are just words. He doesn't see why it matters.

\- **I know, but I don't like talking**. He blows with a little growl, 

She pinches her lips with a small understanding smile, he realizes that he has turned his eyes towards her so he turns him back to the road. 

- **Oh okay. Because it's hard?**

The intonation she has is harmless. Thor is certain of that, especially knowing that she seems to be trying to understand him. 

  
It's strange that it's coming from someone other than Bruce.

- **Maybe**. He adds with some doubt, he doesn't want to look weak, not here, not now.

She crosses her legs on the seat, Thor looks at the trees on either side of the road. 

- **Oh I see, what's your native language? You have a round accent, sounds like Russian...Swedish?**

  
Thor can't recognize her exact words, so he doesn't give them importance. The question is most intimate, although he knows she doesn't realize it. 

- **You wouldn't know it.** He realizes that his voice is more withdrawn and harder to recognize. He is almost sorry about it.

She takes a breath and turns her head towards the window. 

- **As you wish.** She says with a little disappointment, despite her smile. **Does Jane know you have communication problems?**

Thor swallows with a slight glance at Darcy.

 **  
-She is busy. Don't go bothering her.** He says as a warning. Darcy raises an eyebrow.

- **I see. Although I know no one needs words with a little conviction in bed. I hope you take the time to say No when you don't want to. That's the minimum requirement. At last. It's none of my business.** She picks herself up with a little sigh, one that Thor listens to carefully. 

- **I haven't had the comfort of a woman for longer than I can remember. Jane is exactly that. Be careful what you say.** He blows with a little regret, although he's not proud of his answer, he knows that Darcy now has more information about him. 

  
She purses her lips. 

- **I know she does, she helps. But I miss her. You would have liked her before too, I think. Before she was just the result of his needs.** Her voice fades as he realizes she's so close to crying. **Every day, what is inside her dies more and more...Thor, will you still let me stay with you if she dies?** The demand is predictable, vulnerable. 

- **I don't know why you would want to stay.** He says tenderly, even though his face looks bitter, he looks over his steering wheel with seriousness.

She laughs softly.

**-It's true that you are not the most welcoming. But you do work hard, you could have killed me, pushed me out, and kept the key. I was aware that you have a heart Thor, I'm happy I got to see it.**

Thor sniffs amused, he tries to ignore the heat radiating from his chest. He pushes away the gaze he would like to direct at the young woman.

 **-Don't give me any ideas, Darcy.** He says as he hears the harsh sound of his voice dying in his throat.

She seems satisfied with their discussion because she turns up slowly the volume of the music that was previously muted.

  
- **I love how you say my name. Never stop saying it like that, even if you get better at English.**

He dares a look to see her smile despite the heavy tears on her face.

 **  
-Okay Darcy.** He says so softly, it makes him wonders if this cursed world is also a hint to a second chance. >>

  
_Isn't it already too late for a second chance?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things goes, things happen slowly. But hey, I plan to do way more chapters. I can't even imagine the reader that will get to read everything when it's over and finished. It will make way more sense for them than me playing with past and future with monthly updates. XDD Don't hesitate to tell me if it gets too confusing. I would get it. I'm confused myself. The same goes for Typo.
> 
> Nevertheless, Thanks for reading! See you next time...whenever that is!  
> (Hopefully Soon!)  
> -13 October 2020-


	22. Before (22: A)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor and Loki share a meaningful consensual conversation, with one of them holding what could be a weapon. Tricks and pricks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just finished the Unus Annus Livestream at 3 am, Now I needed to work on something for the lack of a better word, I procrastinated all day because of that damn livestream. So here we go. A little scene in between.

**War is not averse to any trick.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

Loki seemed determined to spend the evening with him.   
Thor is not displeased. Loki's presence is always permitted. Although he finds the behavior suspicious. He cannot determine what his intention is, are they pure and naive? Or is it another of his tests that he likes to compete in?   
Only a few hours had affected their climates, Thor had returned to his quarters to get a satisfactory reflection on the metal parts of his armor. She was balancing on the wooden stationery, Mjölnir resting on the balcony floor at her threshold. 

  
Thor had enjoyed listening to the ambient sounds of nature from the open door of his balcony and windows. He had stretched out his sheets, leaving them in the braided rope basket near the entrance for the maids who would soon check its contents. He had barely covered his bed when a familiar shape had used the door with a faint knock.  
Thor finished running water over his face from the hot spring he had collected earlier in the castle's public baths. He appreciated knowing that the water had been chosen from a clean, unused source, and bringing the bucket was just a habit he had developed to get the service he preferred. Although he was planning to shave the rough hairs from his neck, the banging and noise of the door had come too quickly for him to respond.   
It was a close call, although he did not growl at the sight of Loki sitting with his leg crossed on his new sheets. Although he appreciates that Loki is barefoot, he sees no shoes to collaborate with his preferences around the bed. So Loki walked around the castle barefoot and then brought these nameless materials into the hollow of his bed. It is certain that this is the case, worthy of a cat, Loki has always been able to make this kind of gesture without even giving it a second thought. But Thor doesn't let a detail get to him. He appreciates that Loki takes the initiative to join him in his room. Although he is terribly uncomfortable with the realization that this is the first time that Loki enters his room directly since his return. 

There is a certain confidence in the gesture. One that gives Thor a white smile. 

<< **Good afternoon Loki, How can I help you?**

- **Don't introduce yourself to the conversation in this way. I feel like an intruder.** Replicate the raven-haired god leaning over his reading. His tone is cordial, light.

- **Why shouldn't I? You invited yourself into my bed. I think I can get into the conversation in any way I prefer**. Reply Thor with a small amused sniff.   
Loki looks innocent as he allows himself to read, so Thor decides to leave a wall between them to continue his shaving. 

- **It wasn't busy, contrary to what I gathered.** Loki whistles tactfully, a little hum from him is added as he sounds to concentrate. 

  
Thor laughs fatly at the remark. Amused by his repartee.

- **It could have been, passion doesn't wait for the night to hatch.** He then says that he slips a liquid against his skin to facilitate access to the skin without irritating it. 

He passes his thumb against the blade, to check the precision of his cutting edge.

- **I thought you were dumbfounded, Sif left you so delightfully. I wasn't surprised to hear it in everyone's mouth but yours.** The younger one arrogantly replied, 

He looks into the mirror, which seems to reflect an image of his very dull face. He lets himself be distracted by the repartee. At the same time surprised by his comfortable audacity and his assaults.

- **Still as perceptive as ever, I see.** Whistle Thor with an ounce of sarcasm **, I am not ashamed of Sif, I would never be ashamed of what we shared. You should know better than to stoop so low. Your mockery goes over my head**.   
  
Loki seems silent for a moment.   
  
- **Like most of my words, but it's just bad habits. You're learning, that's what counts.** He says seriously, 

Thor doesn't know if he should be flattered or insulted that Loki would take the role of the teacher so seriously. As time goes by, Thor realizes that Loki is very determined. He can't tell if it's exciting or scary. Nothing good can come from Loki's tricks. He doesn't want to become the face of his pranks. Nor has he already been the face of his jokes in the past. 

- **Will I learn the purpose of your visit tonight? Your presence is not forbidden, but I am curious. Humor me, Prince Loki.** he says with a dry tongue. 

  
Loki's voice seems to lengthen as he answers, Thor takes the opportunity to start shaving the hollow behind his jaw, creating a symmetry that is as clear as the eye can see. 

- **Didn't you ask for more information? I can always leave if you think parading around in the powder room seems more important.** Throw the distant voice with a little sigh, **your wish can come true very quickly, Prince Odinson.**

  
Thor grunts as he concentrates on a deceitful hair.  
A few seconds pass before he can respond, but the sound of his bed creaking seems to alarm him. Although he may have heard it, he didn't think he was under any pressure to respond. But the call to the conversation was soon cut short by Loki's silhouette as he found the door frame. 

- **I have never felt so ignored for such a ridiculous reason. Aren't you done yet? You only have a few steps and yet you find a way to make it complicated.** Loki replies with malice in his eyes.

  
Thor arches an eyebrow with a growl. 

- **You are impatient. Is there a rush?** He says with a look towards the emerald eyes, he notes not to mention rude.  
Loki approaches in silent footsteps. Thor does not question his intention until Loki puts a hand on his shoulder.

  
**-Let me do it,** he says with a small gesture of the hand towards the blade in Thor's hand, **"I want you to be done with it and I need to talk without being interrupted.** He seems insistent. His gaze is not the most gentle. Well, Thor is amused by the request.

- **I've never seen you with an ounce of hair on your face, you think I'm going to let you do this?** he asks incredulously, Loki's smile grows larger in unhealthy competition.

He observes Loki's gaze for a few seconds in this silent exchange. Loki is challenged, although Thor is not teasing. He did not expect his words to fuel Loki's fire.

- **You're going to let me do it.** He says confidently. **Do you want to know why?** He keeps talking as he finishes the distance between them in front of the mirror. 

  
Thor appreciates that Loki is slightly smaller than him to compensate for the power of his presence. Thor is captivated by his brother's actions, although he doesn't like to admit it. He would let Loki have his life in his hands without even batting an eye. He does not doubt Loki's loyalty, that of his love, unlike that of his kingdom where he calls himself an anarchist. He knows that Loki is a wild card in a structured game of rules.   
So yes, he listens to him carefully without retorting.

 **Because I am precise, and that perhaps it is not my history to prefer women. So would I even have a shadow of a doubt that I have any experience in this kind of activity? It's up to you to judge** , he says between his two eyes. **You're going to let me do it to prove that you trust me**. **Isn't that what you've been trying to prove since you invited me to this harvest competition?**

Thor lets out a little sigh. He listened to every word with an ounce of seriousness, although he finds himself analyzing Loki's face so closely. Without the anger of last time, the anger of frustration. He enjoys seeing the hollow on either side of his eyes while his smile is the most cunning. A very human thing for gods, each fold seems to give him an approachable look. Although he knows how to move forward like a weapon. An adorable weapon, he does not share his discovery considering that he opens his palm to let Loki take the blade.

If he knows anything about Loki, it is that he is very precise with his daggers, it doesn't seem the craziest idea that he has a good eye for this kind of activity. But the idea of leaving a blade to his brother only makes him wonder if this is the beginning of a new trick. 

He allows himself to sit against the bathtub, the wood of its structure is uncomfortable under its weight, but he prefers not to complain.

  
Loki passes the blade under hot water to clean it, his fine fingers pass the weight of the knife in an elaborate pattern. The blade passes between his fingers to make two turns quickly. Thor swallows with a desire to comment on this little trick which is obviously made to make him nervous. 

  
Loki's smile becomes more subtle, it is found on the corner of his lips. Seriousness reaches his face as he concentrates. Thor wonders when was the last time he shared such a mundane and intimate activity with someone. Although he and Sif are close, she had never seen the point of doing what Loki had so eagerly chosen to do.   
He makes himself aware of how he is focused on his own breathing, so as not to blow into Loki's face. He feels his heart beating in his throat as he feels the warm blade touch the bottom of his jaw. Loki's expert hand pushes two fingers under his chin to get more surface area. Unlike the blade, Loki's hand is cold and clinical. Although he only feels it when he does it himself, every hair cut seems to leave a doubt in the air. Loki's hand is soft and his movements are precise, every time Thor moves, Loki stops calmly and waits for confirmation that Thor has finished.  
He can't say why, but his fears drain down to the sink and leave his skull as the seconds pass. Loki seems far too intent on proving his point to think up ridiculous tricks. 

And from his gestures, the style of his light beard looks relatively the same. He surprises himself looking at the mirror further away, he observes Loki's hair whipping the air tenderly. Something in Thor feels charmed, listened to, touched. He doesn't know when someone has been so focused on him. Although the villagers love the idea that Thor represents, they praise him, every gesture he makes is exclaimed with glorious reactions from every side. But it's not real, it's not who he is. It's what he represents to them that matters to them.   
After a few years, he knows that even though it's wonderful that people love him without even knowing it, it's artificial. 

  
Although he has the unfortunate habit of forgetting this fact, he has a desire to believe the best in his people.   
To believe that they want to have faith in something, Thor would be lying if he mentioned that he doesn't love that kind of attention. 

  
He wonders how the moment became so quiet. Especially knowing that Loki had something to tell him, although Thor is dying to know. 

  
Loki seems to pass the blade underwater with a pensive hum. 

- **I have a question to ask you, Thor.** he says honestly, 

  
Thor sniffs amused, wondering if this is part of their game. 

- **Yes, I'm listening, Loki. There's nothing in the world that's going to interrupt you**. He blows it with childish amusement, 

Loki arches an eyebrow, but his face is neutral. 

  
**-And yet...** He starts with tact, **here you are.**

He inhales, then lays the blade. His hands dig into the sink to get water on his palms.   
He brings his fingers towards his beard and seems to look at details that confuse Thor. 

**So,** " he begins, **"I think I already know your answer, but I have to ask you.**

He continues with a calm and interested voice.  
He puts his hand on his bare shoulder, Thor looks at the hand and then at his face. 

  
- **You ask me again and again for the plan. You seem eager to know everything, but do you want to know all the details knowing that you're going to have to lie to people you love? Your family and friends, among others. Can I expect you to be confident that you won't break down?** He leaves the dilemma in a suffocating embrace for Thor.

  
Loki's voice is not nearly as hesitant as his words. 

  
The silence that follows is only the thickest. 

  
Thor knows that he had to consider lying, or even avoiding talking to certain people to keep his mouth shut. 

He is thrilled to know everything, like an impatient child. He recognizes this urge that threatens to jump at the chance to know everything. But he looks at the emerald orbs that watch him attentively.  
Although he wants to play the innocent, the tough guy.   
He realizes that Loki gives him an escape. 

  
If they get caught, it's going to turn sour.   
He could say and scream that he didn't know anything about it.   
Although he is slightly insulted that Loki thinks he was going to use it, he admires his determination to live with the consequences alone. 

  
He cannot say whether he knows the level of consequences that Loki's plan offers them on a silver platter.   
The mere fact that Loki seems to be taking his time to do the verification makes Thor more nervous than ever.  
Although he doesn't want to lie to anyone, Thor doesn't want to feel so empty anymore. He doesn't know where he's going. Loki was right to mention it, he didn't seem to have changed in all that time. Life was repetitive. Boring, although battles tickled his fancy, Thor could not tell what he was more interested in in life.   
Now that the chains of his relationship with Sif are broken, he doesn't know what to do about his future.   
Is he the king Odin wants? 

  
He sometimes forgets to go back to the stables to look after his horse, although he adores it. This is the work of stable boys. 

  
He feels caught between two worlds, one where he has to do everything alone. And the one where he is a man in the dark, looking for candles to get the shadow of a sign.   
Loki has never before been a sign of his future. 

  
He had been a brother in arms, his family, a quick-witted man and a politician to his right. But he never thought he would stick to Loki for his future, not in this way. Loki was his younger brother of several decades.   
It's dangerous, Thor can feel it as he looks at the pale face in front of him. He turns his gaze to the mirror to see his beard trimmed slightly longer than usual. The difference is slight, he hardly noticed it at first glance. The sides are cut at a most flattering angle, where Thor would have followed the line of his jaw, Loki would have let the hair form the curve. 

  
He doesn't know if he would have ever done it this way, he had experimented before. He doesn't know what sign he had waited for before. But this one seems to be enough.   
Loki knows what he is doing, more than Thor does, it seems.

  
Although he doesn't know his brother's motives. He knows that by himself he is far too far away from the king one expects from him. Or of the lover that one looks down on, the boundless hero, armed with his trusty hammer.   
Loki was right to say that there was little he could call his own. Loki is not his, the kingdom is not his... He doesn't work to deserve them, he doesn't spend the sweat of his brow on the building sites every day. He is only the Little Prince waiting for the next battle, the next buffet to drink and celebrate. 

  
He doesn't know why Loki seems to know everything, to evolve in a direction he doesn't seem to reach. But the gesture of wanting to take care of him is most appealing. 

  
Thor, the god of thunder, doesn't want to lose the opportunity to catch this shooting star.

 **-I will follow you, you don't have to spare me**. He sighs heavily, **I no longer have the desire for that which keeps us apart. Let's not create this wall, we don't need it. You promised me that you wanted to keep us united, so we have to be on the same wavelength.**

  
Loki's gaze is brilliant, although Thor can't find the words to describe it. He looks so serious, it's all so strange. Loki takes his hand from his shoulder and finally smiles back at him.

  
- **Welcome to the point of no return.** He blows under his breath before leaving the water room.>>

  
Thor observes his reflection one last time before catching up with him in the room with enthusiasm. 

Perhaps it is for the best. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Momento Mori. See you next time guys!


	23. After (23:B)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst and domination, fairly short but Loki gets what he wants for the linger of a moment. Lots of inner doubts, for he has no idea what to do with himself when he gets to see Thor's gaze.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BOOP I'm still standing.  
> Sorry for the wait, have fun guys and happy new year!

  
**The torture of a bad conscience is the hell of a wandering soul.**

**.**

.

.

For the past few days, Loki had found some calm in the approaching storm. Although the camp had everything it could offer him, he had that cold doubt that captivated his mind. The discovery made since Agent Romanoff's recent mistake had given him a suspicion about himself. Some that he hadn't been able to think about such contents for years. Although he didn't like to admit it, he was not the better man that anyone would have expected from him. 

That many wanted to see in the darkness of his mind. He never stopped killing, and it was not a time at the base with the Captain that would change that nature. Lies suited him and the nomadic life had a certain freedom, despite the loneliness weighed on him. 

While he remembers very little of his immortal time, he recalls that killing was a glorious thing. A pride, a need, an urgency that no one asked him to justify. One that he knew how to focus on common enemies. On the poor deserving one who stood in their way. He knows that the earth does not have the same opinion of this need. That releasing souls from their bodies are not ideal or even avoided. Feared and hated. That it doesn't just kill enemies, it kills the potential they could have offered. And Loki couldn't agree more that this is wasted potential, but time seems to be asking more of him. Old habits die hard. 

Time makes his body tired, his hair changes color. He was already tired of his monstrous form, he can't allow his human form to change too. The threshold of familiarity he has with his body is so volatile that he is afraid to lose it. 

In spite of the fact that he has become accustomed to the marks of time on his skin as if they were scars from a war against time. He knows that he could not kill the whole human race to keep himself alive and young. Even though he will try to keep this rhythm out of comfort and need. He is terrified to stop if he thinks about it more deeply a second too long. 

He wouldn't know who he is if it wasn't for his magic. No matter how small and restricted he is in this dull world. Loki cannot prevent this doubt. The one that comes with time, with all his questions that will remain unanswered. What about Asgard? Did they mourn him? Has his banishment become the barrier of a bad joke? Did they forget Loki faster than him?

He could not say what more he lacks. He knows that every spell he has tried to return to it has ended up costing him dearly. He only has a modicum of dignity left and to accept this end. Although he hates it with all his soul.

Life with the captain is interesting, he lives for his easy sighs of relief. While the game is only for the captain, he enjoys the warmth of it.

Steve knows less than he thinks. But lately, Loki has been putting other people's eyes first, since the magic is scattered like sand in the wind. He crosses his true reflection in the mirrors, or for the space of a moment. He has the impression that it is indeed him that the soldier loves. He surprises himself to have a desire to be the dead man of whom he usurps his identity.

Although he doesn't share any of his fears with anyone. He knows that secrets weigh just as much as the loneliness they create.

It is only once in the silence of the night, what one would call a pillow talk, that Loki finds himself honest. Although Steve is a good substitute, a good, stable lie to be worn every day. Loki knows this is not what he is meant to do until the end of his miserable mortal life.

<< **It's my turn.** He sighs in the hollow of his ear as the blond man watches him in the moonlight.

Loki takes the wrist of the younger one to transfer the spell to him. Although it is not always precise. Magic has found a way to betray him and shape the captain's cheekbones to lower them gently. To give them this marble carved look, as well as a slight beard sprinkled with gold.

The grains of color in his eyes are shades of sky blue as he adjusts. The look of vitality becomes more serious and tight, the fine strands of hair lengthen in a   
heavy dance.  
Loki feels his heart miss a beat at the sight of the man he hasn't seen for so long. Although each time he is surprised, he realizes that the image he has of Thor is more and more mistaken. He sees that he doesn't remember enough about his nose and that the captain's nose is making a strange fake copy. He swears he will get a more accurate picture if he gets the chance. Although he knows it is impossible. The jaw moves from heart to octagon gently in a painless silence. One thing has never changed, it is always Thor that fate decides to show him. No one else from his past has reached him so hard. 

But this is not the case for Steve, he can't count the number of times Nostalgia grips him and he finds himself to be a weak woman with no hair and a tender smile. Having to hug the captain as he cries and asked by him about the past he already knows by heart. He wonders if one day he will have the privilege of seeing his mother alike the soldier who has that privilege. He wonders if his love is not enough, he is ashamed for the thought of what his mother means to him. Even when he tries, he finds his brother in front of him. It's just a battle already lost. So he doesn't try anymore.

They talked about it, that the Captain is far from a wonderful actor and that it's always better if he doesn't talk. The role of Thor is not of his material. They are far too different. Although Loki remembers exactly the grain of Thor's voice. This is something he will never forget because his head is full of insults repeated in this gravelly melody. He can never get enough of them.

- **What do you need Loki?** Blow out that voice, one that takes his breath away.

He looks at his lips, fascinated by the magnitude of their definition, looking for the strength to cross the contact of his eyes. There lies a certain power in that gaze.

 **-Don't do that. You can't replicate his greatness. It is something that cannot be recreated.** He says in a voice so weak that he cannot ignore the effect that voice has on his mind. Every word is clear and warm, the mere hesitation of the question feels unfamiliar. He could almost be fooled by it.

- **If I didn't know you, I'd take that as a compliment.** Tease Thor's face, smell, and sound, although this masquerade is certainly the most ridiculous to the naked eye. Loki finds himself intoxicated by this play pretend.

Loki feels his heart melt, but his head wins the race of reason faster. The Captain was lucky, it's exactly something Thor could have barked. With morbid curiosity, he straightens up enough to pass a thigh on the other side of Thor.

- **You always knew what I wanted. You just never wanted to give it entirely to me.** His whispers are deadly in the freezing cold, **You've always been a little boy afraid of my greatness. But I understand, I would have done the same in your situation.**

He contemplates that carefree, curious look. If dug deeper, would he find the captain's worry?

Loki rarely asks the Captain to play this game, with such precise rules. He judges himself to feel like it, although it is stupid. It is a fantastic exhilaration to drop his words against his brother. To let him know his thoughts after all this time.

It's madness to expect a different result every time.

The captain knows how to recognize that he will never see his war soldier again. 

Loki can only admire such wisdom.

He runs a hard finger over Thor's chest, he doesn't stop himself from slipping his fingers over the soft, curly hair on his chest. Although the Captain is pleasant, he is not perfect. He shaves, he keeps himself ready for action. It is rare that he can smell something other than that vulgar soap, that fetish smell coming out of his pores. He wonders if he rubs himself so hard with it that his skin bleeds. If he concentrates, he's sure he could smell it again, but this moment is about Thor. So he breathes in with a little suspense. He can hear the captain swallowing under this moment of domination.

  
Their games of soldiers are vanilla, they are of love and intimacy. Although he doesn't hate this kind of sex. He appreciates the arduous and rewarding side of a breathless hunt. He can almost feel his heart beating faster under his fingers. 

  
**Perhaps you'll never get the chance to have me completely. That's what happens to fools who turn their backs on the truth.** Although he knows the limits of the soldier, this slap comes without even a shadow of an afterthought. **Didn't anyone teach you to plead for mercy? Spoiled little rotten boy.** >> The sound of breathing was cut by the impact.

  
The nicknames slip on his tongue with ease, he can barely see the crimson red to make his handprint. And this effect almost gives him the impression that they are still gods who do not blush at all. Powerful and armed with arrogance.

  
Thor's lips open to breathe heavily, although Loki would kill for him to respond. To let him know that this behavior is enough. To show him the forbidden love that he has desired for so long. Thor remains silent, and Loki comes to kiss him hard to silence the desire to cry that clouds his eyes.

_Why couldn't he keep quiet?_

_._

_._

_._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this chapter ties into the first Loki chapter way better than I originally thought. It feels like checking in with him in a way. I like it. I plan for around 75 chapters, but knowing me it might be more. Are you guys ready to try to follow this madness? Nevertheless, I'm having fun with this. It's quite interesting to write. Thanks for making it thus far. I appreciate it. See you next time buddy!


	24. Before (24 :B)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something has only just begun. Loki unveils his plan to conquer the competition. It involves sacrifices. Thor shares doubts and fears. First rule? Always believe in the plan, even when you don't believe in the plan.
> 
> It's easier to believe in the light in his eyes than the dark of his own soul.

**He always knew how to use his smiles as weapons.**

.

  
.

The evening had only just begun. After his shave, he had found the comfort of his room to chat. Loki had claimed most of the cushions on the bed to support him in a sitting position. While Thor used his free hands to polish his armor sitting on a light wooden stool. Thor did not have the strength to ignore the fact that Loki appropriated his room as his own. It's something that seems to make Thor's heart blossom in this warm affection. One that the blond man likes to categorize as happiness at his brother's return home. Of course, he has every right to make himself comfortable and Thor sees no problem with that.

As he passes a damp cloth over the hot metal, Loki sighs softly.

  
<< **Are you bored with my tasks? Speak then, it is not only the Norns who know how much you love the sound of your own voice.** He replies with a teasing smile, 

- **Oh you are mistaken, to see you following the traditions of your father and the one preceding him is very enriching.** Declare the younger one with an amused tone, 

  
- **What do you want, I am a god of tradition.**

  
Loki sniffs amused with a look away from the fireplace for a moment. 

  
- **Very humble of you.** He blows with a little distasteful breath,

  
Thor lets him wander for a moment as he moves from his wrist guard to the mesh panel. He drops his gaze on the water, which seems to turn a brownish hue at a glance.

  
- **I don't think we're going to have a rest like this for a long time.** Adds Loki's soft voice with a certain firmness.

Thor raises his gaze to see that the features on Loki's face seem paler and emptier. A part of him wants to put down his armor and reach down on the nape of his neck, to look into his eyes and revive all the colors that harmonize his slender face.

  
But he remains silent, in this feeling that all the answers he wants to hear are hidden behind everything Loki has prevented himself from saying. He wonders why this sentence is the right one, why this one and not another?   
He can't fight this crazy idea that Loki looks shattered. Many pieces that don't mix together. Diluted stare and broken beads for eyes. 

  
The feeling is numb and silent, Thor is blind to its tune as he wishes to make the best of this moment.

 **-Then we will take advantage of it.** He says with a small warm smile, he crosses the emerald look that seems more frightened than calm. 

  
Thor wonders if Loki realizes the fear that radiates from his eyes.  
He is not going to name it, for fear of breaking this moment of trust. But his heart feels this tightness, the one that redoubles when Loki decides to smile at him to wash away all this fear. Although the intention is honorable, he seems to cling to so little. The goosebumps that accumulate under his skin serve as a sign to him. Loki's impeccable smile with this black shadow in his eyes, Thor sees death in it.

It is quite enough that Thor finishes polishing his armor so that Loki starts to exploit his attention. He sat against the head of the bed while Thor did the same for the end of the bed. Thor even managed to win a cushion out of pity. 

- **To be honest with you Thor, I don't know where to start.**

  
Thor arched his eyebrows with a slight surprise. Loki put a cushion on his thighs and then put his hands crossed on it. Thor uses his to support his lower back against the straight wood.

 **-Choose the way you prefer, we'll easily find a way to reach an agreement.** He answers quickly to soothe this attention to detail. 

- **As you know, I have a certain satisfaction in defying the orders of Odin and Frigga. The fact that you asked me to do the harvest has only given a path to my intentions. It is no secret.**

  
Thor pinches his lips as he watches Loki keenly. 

\- **I am aware that there is a deeper story behind all this.**

  
Loki breathes in hard with a humorous little noise.

  
- **Yes, a story for another sunny day.**

Thor grumbles to express his discontent but he lets Loki continue. 

**I would say my biggest problem was that we are both considered royalty, we never decided to do the harvest together. Even younger,** Loki stops talking for a moment. 

I **think we were manipulated into not doing it.** He flatters the air with a dissolving movement. 

**Enough conspiracies, I had to find a solution so that one of us would be considered less. That one of us should have a different reputation and a different title. Since I could not change the opinion of an entire population. Changing this is easier.**

Thor takes the liberty of adding a doubt.

 **-It doesn't seem that simple to me. You can't control the people in this manner and I wouldn't appreciate using the kind of magic that fills the books of the black arts of magic.**

  
Loki smiles softly. 

  
- **Of course not, that would use a spell too big for the capital, not to mention the morality of the thing. It would make me waste an unnecessary effort.**

He says a simple fact, **We must make the least effort for the best result.**

**So I looked at the case we have. I've only been back for a few weeks. You're one of the most anticipated champions of the capital. Some people are testing their worth in their villages just for the chance to fight alongside you. I cannot influence what you mean to the people of the nine worlds.**

Thor can't ignore the pride that builds up in his chest from this praise. To Imagine the children who wait hundreds of years just to join the competition. He takes this adulation to heart; he wouldn't want Loki to do anything with it. **  
**

- **I follow you.** He says in a warm warning, his voices lower. 

Loki sniffs amused at his anticipated cooing. 

- **This kind of pride in the kingdom is an advantage as well as a curse. All eyes are on you. Which gives me a small margin for error. So I propose to tarnish my reputation. So that I don't have to touch yours, or your fans. But even without a reputation, Frigga and Odin would not agree to allow us to ally. I have a sense of why, but I'm not going to allow them to make that kind of choice for us. So I'm going to have to erase the doubt that Loki enters the competition at all. Because Thor and Loki cannot be a result in this scheme. We have to change the equation.**

Thor frowns heavily. 

**-I misunderstand. What's your new equation?**

Loki is rolling his eyes. 

**-I'm getting there, be patient. You only have to listen once.**

Thor takes a hard breath at the insolence of his tone, but he keeps looking at Loki until he explains his reasoning. 

  
**-Loki should not be part of your team. To the eyes of the world, someone else must appear to be doing the tribulations of the contest.** He says as he speaks in the third person, Thor still feels an ounce of confusion. **Only we will know that I am participating.**

Thor swallows Loki's statement. This fact is already tarnished, Fandral knows. Thor doesn't have the heart to cut him off in his monologue, so he crosses his arms in his silence. 

**Each race has a team representing their kingdom for the competition. The judges agree that each race has an equal chance of winning.**

**Although Asgard will not accommodate all participants from all kingdoms. They have their own ways of determining their representatives.**

  
Thor nods his head as a sign of life and listening.

Loki profits from this pause to inhales sharply. 

**I have contacts in Alfheim who owe me a favor. I will get a place as a Light Elf. It's risky, but I think people have certain favoritism for Asgard.**

Thor shakes his head with a bewildered look.

- **Wait... Hold on, if I understand you correctly, you want to be part of another team? But then what's the point of fi--**

Loki pinches his lips, there's this heavy look that attacks Thor with full force.

  
 **-No. Thor... It's fairly simple.** He scratches the top of his nose slowly looking down before looking at him. 

**You are going to make an alliance with Alfheim. Because you are a benevolent prince, who lost his youthful love for a womanizer. You are going to propose yourself to prove your ability as a king and form a team with an elf.**

**This will give you points for kindness with the audience. And remove the doubt that you haven't chosen someone yet. The registration list is already signed with your name and the name of the elf. I took care of it this morning. Frigga should call you soon to tell you about your decision. You will have to justify your choice. I can't do everything.**

Thor opens his mouth to talk, but nothing comes out as he assimilates the information. He succeeds in only adding...

  
- **What about you?** Who floats gently in the air with haunting concerns. Loki sniffs amused, slightly sour.

- **What about me?** He says slowly with some irritation, **I will do what this kingdom expects of me impatiently. They look at me from the walls, waiting for the moment when I will be wrong. Then I will give them what they want. A mistake.**

  
Thor observes Loki in a heavy silence. One that no one breaks before the words rush from the unsaid. **  
**

  
- **They don't want you to have-** Start Thor with a conviction, which Loki meets with a cheeky look. 

  
- **Thor...you're going to have to take your part of the deal.**

**-Not if it prevents you from becoming king!**

He said without any afterthought.

  
The throat sound that Loki lets out at the agreement of words seems most ironic. A small yelp of pain intertwined with surprise.

- **This choice was taken away from me a long time ago, it is not in my life to be the King of Asgard. Let's face it. Let's take advantage of our advantages, we will get what we want. I appreciate your dedication and your naivety. But there is only one prince that Odin considers heir to the throne.**

Thor slides his legs off the bed to put his bare feet on the floor. He has this resonating radiance in his skull, Loki's words engulf his soul for an instant. Doubt quickly sets in. He walks towards the balcony with a strong urge to vomit. 

- **It's...It's not... How is it not?** He places his forearm on the golden guard, then buries his face in it. With a rounded back, he tries to regain his calm. 

**I had no idea, Loki... I...You're obviously much more ready than I am. I am only too lost. I got lost when you left. I think I lost the notion of what is expected of me. Since I brought the team on the last escapade, I don't want to put the people I love in danger. I thought war was the solution, but nothing makes sense anymore.**

Loki's silent footsteps pile up closer, a hand rests on his shoulder.

  
 **-I don't remember a dangerous escapade**. Loki declares with a mixture of surprise and confusion, 

  
Thor raises his head to look ahead at the sky and to feel the wind against his skin. 

His stomach ripples as he breathes in and out intentionally present.

 **-Barely a year after you left,"** Thor begins with a sigh, **"I chose to give a chance to a plan to attack a golden dragon that was roaming too close to the village. We believe it found a loophole in reality and came from Muspelheim.**

 **It wasn't the dragon itself that hit us...We believe it would be easy. We came across a magical being close to the border. Half of us came back covered in blood. The dragon was nowhere in sight.** **I haven't made a quest since you came back.**

**I asked the others to give me some time, to continue without me... But I couldn't.**

  
Loki swallows roughly.

- **Couldn't watch them die in front of you?** he asked in a soft, faint voice,

Thor clenches his fists as well as his jaw. 

  
- **Not when it was my fault...You don't understand. They-they were able to move on. I thought dying for the kingdom was this beautiful thing, but all I saw were mistakes. People who had followed my judgment...I...I spent the night in the infirmary with Volstagg. I thought about what I would say to his children if he didn't finish the night.**

Loki's hand clasps the fabric of Thor's garment. 

  
**-I was wrong, you are different.** He blows in the wind, >>

  
Thor stays in this position for a while, while Loki's hand goes from still to making warm circles on his shoulder. The intimate silence is almost comforting. 

**.**

**.**

**.**

  
The mere sound of his boots adds up to an anxious symphony. One that can be heard in the golden corridors. Although Loki likes to deny it about himself. We learn a lot about people and how they behave. And Thor is convinced that analyzing his brother from every angle will drive him crazy.

Even though everything is happening so fast, to follow a plan that seems to him to be the craziest. He doesn't know if it's courage or stupidity, but hearing his heart beating in his chest has a simple charm. The one that dictates his desire to live and see what will come next. Although he may have asked questions, he may have laughed accompanied by Loki. He has no idea if he will be able to do what he has in mind. He wants to, although he doesn't know if it's still the right direction. He finds himself without any other direction.

There is this doubt, the one that stagnates, he just taunts him over and over again. Although he reviews the plan in his head, to find the only hole in it. That simple hole that he is convinced they forgot to seal. Although his doubt enlarges the surface of this forgotten problem, he cannot deny the smile that is so close to growing. He has never felt as close to Loki as his mind allows him to remember.

Loki's eyes seem to be one of Thor's solutions to his anxiety. He can't help but observe them from his side of the courtyard. Loki is directly in front of him, a dozen meters away. He is silent, of marble while Odin and the gods speak. 

One of his eyebrows is gently raised, while his eyes are slightly wrinkled. Enough for him to see a point of light in his eyes. A shadow of mischief despite his golden mask that steals a significant part of his face. Thor smiles at him without even questioning the fact that Loki caught him admiring him.  
A thin smile glides over the lips of the younger ones. 

Thor cannot ignore the fact that he will not see this face again for a long time. He tries to ignore this abyss that lies in the pit of his stomach. For that simple look that relieves his heart of all responsibility.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no some info dump again! 
> 
> I put some hints on this chapter for some plot twists incoming, but hey, it's just fun to see it all unveil slowly but surely. 
> 
> Also, I'm so late for this chapter, but aha! It's February so I win that at least. 
> 
> Oh well, Thank you for making it thus far, I strongly appreciate it. 
> 
> See you at the next one perhaps? 
> 
> -27 February 2021-  
> -AD-


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